hard to talk to others, i need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
hard to talk to others, i need advice
6
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 10:24pm

my boyfriend and i will have been together a year in one week. its been quite a year. we got into things very fast, and we have an age diff. of almost 5 years (he's 19 out of h.s. a year and joined the military. i'm 23 and just graduated college) i got pregnant in jan and of course its been a struggle. we welcome our new daughter in sept and are both filled with love and joy about it, but because it was unplanned our lives have both been in a whirlwind. he joined the military in oct impulsively and was scheduled for 6 months of boot camp in may. when we found out about the baby he tried to get his date moved up quite a few times, and was pulled through the ringer with recruiters and the drill sergeants conflicting words. so this kept him from a steady job when we constantly thought he was leaving. i worked weekends back at home an hour and a half away until i graduated in may where i went full time. but i hate the job and am waiting for my new better job that will allow me to stay home to start next month. gary was a couple of hours away from his flight to georgia for bootcamp when they told him he couldnt go because he'd gotten a ticket for running a stopsign less than a week before. so luckily they said he could leave in october instead and he'll be here for the baby's birth. so here i am pregnant and emotional already. and we really dont have any money. i'm living back with my parents until he is done with the bootcamp and we figure out if there's a base we can live on because we plan to get married eventually.


i really do love him. BUT.


money is SUCH A HUGE stress on us!! and he still has such a teenage mentality about it. i went through it too but i need him to put me and the baby first. not his CAR. he gets this pos cars and then they die so he trades or buys a cheap other pos. he's only been working for 2 weeks and has missed 4 days of work. i only get paid 7 an hour and it takes me 40 min to get to work so gas sucks it all up. he also spends any money he gets just as soon as he has it. he always has this sense of urgency about it stupid car issues. he has a back up car...his parents' that was totalled and not great but he just refuses to drive it. hell i drove it for 3 months while my car was in the shop and i dealt with it. i know that no a/c sucks, hello, pregnant! but to him he just cant handle it. he has yet to buy one thing for the baby. and i know that he cant save his money, and for a 19 year old he is in SOOOOOO much debt already. its been up to me to get anything.


also..he's started to get a bad temper/anger issue. i FULLY understand how frustrating life is right now. but i DO NOT cuss and yell and throw things when i hear something i dont want to hear. like the other day i accidentally put his phone in the wash because it was in his pocket, he was borrowing mine in the car while i drove and his dad told him he

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
Thu, 06-26-2008 - 11:40pm

Z
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 12:42am

Welcome to the board emeraldeyes21185,


Is counseling an option? Is seeing a financial advisor an option?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:12am

I'm sorry, but I think your post is a little rude and offers little to no constructive advice.

Age is not "just a number." No matter what type of background one comes from, a nineteen year old boy is still a kid.

To the OP: I think the best thing your boyfriend could do was to join the military. I think you need to remain keenly aware of the fact that being you are college-educated, you will be the eventual bread-winner in your family, and (this is just pure conjecture) your boyfriend sounds lazy. Even working in a fast-food restaurant (and there's nothing wrong with that!) will earn you more than $7 an hour. So you need to realize that while being a single Mom may frighten you, you don't want to end up supporting your boyfriend as well. Money-wise, you'd probably be better off going it alone. As far as preparing him to be a father, maybe you could sit him down and suggest counseling. Or maybe buy a parenting book and suggest taking 30 minutes before bed to read and discuss some things from it. I don't know, I've never had children, but I don't see what else you can do. You can't force someone to grow up. And having a child doesn't automatically turn someone into an adult.

I would try reasoning with him, by explaining that $7 an hour will NEVER get him anywhere in life. I would really support his decision to join the military. And. like I said, you don't need another mouth to feed. You need to do what's best for you and your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 10:13am

i did not CHOOSE to get pregnant by him. i've been on birth control since 9th grade (and didnt have sex until after high school anyway) just the one time the pill did not work for me. and i would never choose to terminate a pregnancy, and before we started having sex we did discuss if something were to happen whether or not we'd keep the baby and neither of us believe in terminating and i felt secure enough to not have to put her up for adoption.


he has struggled with major depression issues in the past (a lot because HE was adopted by family and had a broken home etc) i helped him get into counseling for that a few months ago, but pending the bootcamp he stopped going. and now he can no longer afford it until he gets on the military insurance. he was starting to do much better but only got to go 4 times. the first time i went with him, but we were told by the counselor it was much more important to deal with his depression and suicidal thoughts before the relationship. which i agreed with. i'd love for him to start going again so we can get into our own issues as well.


and yes my family is one of the "cool" families. financially stable, my parents are still married, both with great jobs, brother and sister are helpful too etc. i'm living with them now because it was my plan already for this summer when my lease at school was up because i was supposed to be doing an internship.


i'm also taking online classes to supplement income in a diff. field than what i got my degree in so i can stay at home for awhile with the baby until she's old enough that i'm ok with daycare then i'll put my degree to work.


i also never tried to say that i was the most mature person in the world. i know that i'm still quite young. but i also know that when i had just gotten out of high school i was a much different person now that i've been through college. still essentialy the same--and i see that he is a good person overall and deep down but we just clash on our ideas on how to be responsible about things. everything has such urgency to him and when he wants it he must have it right then and there.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 11:05am

I have heard that the pill only doesn't work when you don't take it, but that is an aside.


Hon, you can't do anything to make this boy grow up and be a responsible parent and chances are, whatever you try is not going to work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 12:37pm

HI there emeraldeyes,


Yup, you're life sucks right now, but it will get better.


There are some things that you will need to accept.