BF afraid to touch me

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
BF afraid to touch me
8
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 11:09am

I have recently been going through some kind of period of low sex drive/interest. I haven't been feeling myself. It is causing a lot of problems in my relationship and I feel like it is on the brink of ruining my relationship. My boyfriend, because he doesn't understand at all what I am going through (and I can't seem to explain it to him), just gets more and more frustrated every day. He has also said that he is now afraid to touch me. Since he doens't understand me and he doesn't want to offend me or make me uncomfortable he is too scared to initiate anything sexual, to respond to anything I initiate, to touch me in any way at all - even just normal everyday affection. It is killing us. He's more frustrated and nervous and sad every day and I have no answers for him. He's pulling away physically when I think I need him to come forward, or at least stay the same so I don't feel weird and wrong for feeling the way I do right now.


He keeps asking me what to do. I have no answers and I need help. I'm obviously not an expert on intimacy so I don't have any clue what the best things to do are. He asks: what should I do? how should I touch you? I don't know what to say. Can anyone offer any help at all? We have a very strong loving relationship aside from all of this. I don't want this one thing to wreck us but I feel like it is about to do so. Help me help my boyfriend not be afraid of touching the woman he loves so that we can move past this. :(


Thanks.


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 1:20pm
Sounds like either you are growing away from your boyfriend or are possibly depressed. What else was going on in your life when your sex drive went down?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 1:37pm
sex drive doesnt do drastic twist and turns without something else going on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 06-29-2008 - 10:47pm

Welcome to the board iv_aingeal,


Are you seeing a doctor - medical or even a counselor?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 2:14pm

ciao_gina Thank you for taking the time to respond. Nothing is better yet, but I feel like talking to people on these boards may help me understand myself and my feelings a little better.


I do not think I am growing away from my boyfriend. In fact, lately I have felt like I have been doing the exact opposite, growing a lot closer to him. So I don't think I'm growing away from him/the relationship, but now this situation is pulling us apart. :(


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2003
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 2:25pm

I totally agree - sex drive doesn't take drastic twists and turns. That's why I keep saying, to myself and to my boyfriend, that I just am not myself right now. I don't feel like my normal, usual self. Something else must be going on. When I read that I thought about depression because depression is something I have dealt with on and off for many years. Intimacy too though is something I have dealt/struggled with. I will probably always deal with depression in my life in some small way - does that mean I'm doomed to have an unhappy romantic/sexual life or that I'm going to have to always be alone? Because the depression (if that's what this is) is seriously affecting my boyfriend and my relationship in a negative way. I don't know how to deal with both issues at the same time (if that is even possible).


I am trying to figure out how to "snap out of it" and get back to my normal self. I used to take medication for depression but it is not something I do anymore. That was a decision I came to after discussions with myself, my family, my doctor, counselors. I want to feel all the emotions of life, I want to actual deal with problems, not medicate them or gloss them over. How then do I deal with not wanting sex or feeling sexy? How do I fight the depression in that regard? My boyfriend right now does not understand at all. He has never felt this way in his life, and I doubt he ever will. All he feels right now is rejected. He feels unwanted. He feels like I don't want him anymore, that I'm not attracted to him anymore. These are all awful things that I do not want him to feel, nor would I ever want to feel them myself. How can I get myself better and also make him feel less rejected, unwanted, etc.? How do I save our relationship while also working on myself?


 


Daisypath Anniversary Years Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 5:38pm

If you have problems with depression then that could be the culprit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 06-30-2008 - 5:54pm
I think it makes total sense that so much has changed in your life including stressful events. I am sure there is a correlation. Why put so much stress to have sex right now? Enjoy each other's company and spend the time doing romantic things for now until it feel natural.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 07-01-2008 - 12:14pm
Try getting back into the swing of things slowly. Start by just holding hands, hugging, cuddling, or kissing. Since your bf is worried about making you uncomfortable than try to get his started yourself. Either just take his hand and hold it or ask him for a kiss or a hug.