Different Money Values...
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| Wed, 07-02-2008 - 6:16pm |
Hi All,
So, my boyfriend and I have decided to move in together after two years. We both feel like we are at the right point in our lives and relationship to do so. However, this is a major step for the both of us. As with any major step or big decision, true colors shine through. I am seeing now, more than ever, that we have different values about money...
Now, my BF and I are very compatible because we have similar dispositions, education levels, are the same religion and so forth. Yet, we were raised very differently in terms of money values and what's OK and what's not.
While my parents worked hard for every penny they earned and instilled good values in their children, for better or worse, they were very indulgent with us. They showed us a very fine style of living and enjoying life. I am used to this. I am a hard worker, but I like to enjoy the finer things in life as well. I cannot change who I am or what I want.
My BF, on the other hand, was raised in a much more modest home, where they lived under their means and were taught that it was wrong and foolish to indulge...ever. Sometimes I think they are even afraid to let loose and enjoy too much, as if it would be wrong.
MY BF has a very good job and is in the position to take his life in any direction he chooses. We want a lot of the same things. I just fear that we have different versions of a similar life in mind. I think this because "little" things about money and what's acceptable or not come up all of the time.
For instance, I wanted him to buy one really well made winter sweater for X amount. But he'd rather buy five poorly made sweater than spend all his money on one great one. Or, he's mentioned that he wants his children to work their way through high-school and college the way he did. G-d willing, I hope I can afford for my children to focus on nothing but their studies, while they're students, if they prefer. Most times, we argue. He imparts his words of wisdom about how 'thou shalt not be frivolous' and I argue for what I want. Nine times out of ten he folds to make me happy. In terms of the living situation, for instance, I want a door man building, which he thinks is completely unnecessary. But, for me it's a safety issue. He doesn't agree, but to make me happy is looking into doorman buildings.
I LOVE that he wants so badly to make me happy and does everything he knows how to be the best BF he can be. MY MAIN ISSUE IS THOUGH: Do I want to keep struggling to twist and bend him into someone he's not? Do I want to fight hard for everything? Will there be a point where we innately want the same things? Do I want a life where I have to convince someone of the way I BELIEVE things should be done? Should I be with someone who naturally sees eye to eye with me? Do I want every new venture and turning point in life to be a battle that I have to win?
Moving in together and some choices he's made, have really shown me his values. Not that the way he thinks about money is wrong or right. Who am I to say that? He is a very very good man. I just keep seeing, along the way, we are different people. We have absolutely grown together over two years and I know how much we love each other. But is that enough to carry us through the tribulations of life?

You seem to be describing the normal back and forth in any committed relationship.
Welcome to the board greengirl83,
Money is high on the list of what causes relationship issues and fights.
My mother is like you.
Welcome to the board greengirl83,
It is fairly normal for couples to argue about money. One thing that my husband and I have done to try to prevent such agruements is that we have a joint checking account for household expenses that we each contribute "X" amount of money into each money, and then we have seperate checking accounts for the rest of our money that way we can do whatever we want with it. It works pretty well because my DH is a bigger spender and I am not. I prefer to save my money.
Moving in together however is a great way to really get to know each other. You never really know someone until to you living together.
glitter-graphics.com
Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
I know that we cannot possibly see eye to eye on everything and that relationships are all about compromise. And we do have a pretty strong relationship on the whole. I just worry that some of our issues and perspectives define us. I don't want him to give up who he is to please me and vice versa. That would not lead to long term happiness.
But maybe moving in together will teach us both about the things that are really important and what's not. Maybe the compromising will come more easily, maybe it will be a struggle. But, I think we need to take this next step in order to give it a fair shot at surviving.
You've given me a lot to consider!
I tend to agree with Americajin, but with one exception.
Regarding the sweater, I think it's none of your business if he buys 5 cheap sweaters.