sending a letter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
sending a letter?
11
Wed, 07-02-2008 - 10:06pm

The man I've been dating for exactly four months just dumped me over the phone two nights ago. His reasons were that we lack similar interests and we don't have phone chemistry. I totally disagree on the fact that we lack similar interests and the phone chemistry part, I get nervous when I talk on the phone with him. I'm not good at having conversations with the guy I like. I'm just happy to hear his voice. We live an hour apart so we saw each other once or twice a week. He had become distant recently. He just basically said we don't have what it takes to for anything long term. He can't see himself getting emotionally attached to me in the future. These are the things that he pointed out and while he was telling me all this, I was silent because I has shocked. I couldn't respond and now after thinking about this for the past two days, I feel like I was unfairly judged.

I want so bad to write him a letter to counter what he said, his reasons for dumping me. I want to tell him why I disagree with his conclusion about dissimilar interests, explain why it's hard for me to talk to him on the phone. He wants to be friends but how can I be friends with him if I have all these unsaid things in my heart?

He has a hard time emotionally attaching to the women he dates. We have both agreed to move slowly from the very beginning. He's been really hurt in the past by a few women and especially one woman he was in an eight year relationship with which totally stripped away his self-esteem. That was two years ago and he had been in counseling for that. He just turned 40. He was married and divorced in his twenties. He's been afraid of making the same mistakes.

I'm not writing him with words to let him know how hurt I am or using words to ask him back, I'm writing to correct the misjudgment so he can see my point of view. Honestly, I'm hoping he changes his mind with my point of view. I have fallen for him and we seem to have so much chemistry together when we were face to face. And no, we never had sex. I was shocked by his words and I couldn't respond. I'm someone who takes time to process things and can't speak up under pressure especially with so much at stake. I want to be heard. Am I making a mistake? I have not sent the letter yet. Thanks for any words of wisdom.

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Avatar for tobermory
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2001
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 12:22am

Yes, you are making a mistake. He does not want to date you -- and arguing the point is not going to change anything, it is just going to make you look desperate. Furthermore, you don't really have to be friends with someone who told you that you have nothing in common, what would be the point, especially if you have fallen for him. Waht is the point? Put some distance on it and you will get over him and move on.

Tobermory

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 1:30am

Welcome to the board trustlove8,


He sees the relationship the way he sees it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 3:06pm

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 4:51pm

I can understand how hurt and shocked you are, and I am sorry about that, but you should also take some time to take a good look at this man you've been with. You yourself tell us that he has serious emotional wounds that he is having a hard time healing. Clearly, he is afraid of getting close again, and will find any excuse he can to stop that from happening. Rather than own his own feelings of fear, he finds things about you that don't work for him. Don't take this personally. This is his own fear speaking. To try to counter his rational arguments may not make much of a difference, as the deeper truth is that he seems to still be afraid of getting close.


It doesn't make sense for you to maintain a "friendship" with him, when your feelings are deeper than that. That will only be hurtful to you and a tease. You can write a simple letter and let him know you are sorry about his decision, just that you disagree, but respect the fact that he doesn't want to get closer at this time. You can also let him know that a "friendship" isn't suitable for you after having been more than that. If he truly wants you, if he has the ability to go forward and be in a closer relationship, he will let you know. If he doesn't, don't chase this man, just move on and find someone who is able to give you what you want and need.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Thu, 07-03-2008 - 6:31pm
Feelings are not negotiable. If he doesnt feel that the two of you together float his boat then all of the arguments about you and your personality dont mean anything to him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 1:50pm
Thanks all for your advice. I still haven't sent the letter yet. I am trying hard not to send it and I have re-read it several times and I'm still feeling compelled to send it that's why I'm writing here instead. I can't seem to stop thinking about us, what was said, whether I should fight for it. There are so many things going on in my head and I have so many feelings right now. I cry, then I get better but not good enough to do anything else but think of him- how I can fix it. This is crazy.

In response to your post, he says we have chemistry, likes being with me, just not the right ingredients for something long term which he had listed. He's being practical, I guess. He was so burned from his past that it has been hard for him to attach to anyone though he has feelings from me. He has admitted that he purposely keeps his distance from people so he doesn't get hurt. His father is a very distant man and my ex has gone to therapy so that he doesn't become his father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 07-04-2008 - 2:46pm
Now that you have elaborated a bit I canunderstand why you feel compelled to send a letter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 07-07-2008 - 4:07pm

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 2:24pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 07-14-2008 - 3:14pm

Sorry to hear he hasn't responded. You are doing the right thing...not calling, etc. I know it's hard.


Being emotionally open/intimate takes some practice..


I'm not sure if any of these really offer what you are looking for, but they are good:


Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Loving Men More, Needing Men Less, Judith Sills


Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs, by Nailah Shami


Have you considered short-term counseling to help you work through the issues and change some of the techinques you've been practicing to date?

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