Loves childhood home more than family
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| Sat, 07-05-2008 - 7:12pm |
Hello,
I would like some advice on whether or not I am stupid to keep trying to work things out or I should get out of my marriage.
Shortly after we got married, my husband asked if we could buy his childhood home from his grandparents (is has been in the family since 1860). I did not want to because it is literally 20 feet from a highway with nothing blocking tractor trailer trucks going 60mph and I need quiet to sleep and be happy and healthy. I agreed on the condition that it would be short term 3-5 years and I believed my husband that it would be a good financial move to rent it or whatever afterward after we fixed it all up and we would get a quiet house faster this way.
When I was pregnant and especially after the birth of our son my husband decided that we were staying no matter what and my being home during the day and not getting sleep at night because of our infant sent my body over the edge because I could never rest. After pleading with him to move or do anything I had to leave. I am now in an apartment and though sad, I am healthy again. All my Drs. agree it was the right thing to do.
My husband has stopped going to our marriage counselor. We are "friends" currently

Welcome to the board danielle8888,
You are third on his list and and he doesn't trust you not to hurt him?
If I may, I'd like to throw something out there that could be an issue with him.
Hi Carrie, thank you.
Thank you for replying. The funny thing is in all of this is that I usually do get what I want. For example I wanted to own a multi-million dollar company by the time I am 35 and I pretty much have done that at 32.
I think what has really screwed me up in terms of being able to relate to all of this clearly and state my needs firmly is that I am an adult child of an alcoholic and that seems to really mess with you in terms of knowing what your needs are and actually realizing that you do have needs and that is okay. It is okay to put yourself first once in a while. Though this situation totally sucks it has been pretty eye opening in many ways that will make me a better person no matter what happens.
Hello,
I like your first question. My quick answer would be yes. Our dreams have always matched before - even where we would live - so I had never had to confront the issue before now. We talked all about this type of thing before marriage. That is why we had the deal that this house would be temporary and be used as a stepping stone towards are mutual dream of a quiet place to live.
Because our relationship has been so damaged by this stress and others, I cannot hold him to it now because he is not sure if he wants me. I don't want someone who does not want me. If think if I try to take any strong action, divorce will be certain. At least at this time. I am okay to give it a year to see what happens once emotions and stresses ease a bit.
If your values are in conflict then you will always have to keep your lines of communication extremely open and possibly have to over communicate so that you both understand each other's ideas and actions. Thank you for this. I agree. What I saw in his father in the way that he treated his mother I thought would be a good indication of their son's dedication to family, but I was mistaken. They grew up very differently I know understand. His father was like me and had to work hard to hold a family together from a very young age and his son was treated as a "golden" child that could do not wrong by his grandmother and mother.
Something was triggered in his head with the birth of our son and I don't know what? When we were attending counseling, our therapist even stated to him. What do you think is more important for your son, an intact family or growing up in a house that he may or not care about. My husband had no answer but only refused to move, rent or sell the home. I am not sure if he actually expected me to move out? I really did not have any question really, after spending 2 months at various relatives houses, I came back for one night and was woken up at 5AM by a very loud motorcyle. He then let me know that either he was leaving or I was because I was now making him sick.
<< I know you agreed to a short term living arrangement at this house...why not hold him to it?