Can you help me think straight
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| Wed, 07-09-2008 - 7:22am |
I met a guy off a dating site last November, he had been split up from a 9 year relationship with a girl who was 10 years his junior. He ended the relationship because he didn‘t feel loved, it became complacent and just convenient for her, but also he didn’t think she was responsible enough to have children. She left, and not long afterwards he asked her to come back, she didn’t, she met someone else and moved on and even moved in with her new guy, this is all over 1 year now. He had dates afterwards, then we met. When we met I told him I was 35(I was actually 42 and he is 38) because I get away with it and the chances of meeting people increased but I realised it was a stupid thing to do and I told him straight away. This didn’t seem to bother him too much, and it didn’t stop us spending a weekend away together , he introduced me to his friends at Christmas, we had romantic meals and he spent Christmas with me and my kids, who seem to like him. He seemed to be my knight in shining armour, we clicked. But in January, not long afterwards I sensed a distance emerging and discovered that he had started to communicate with people on the dating site again. He didn’t say anything but I approached him and basically said, please don’t mess me around, I have no time for that, if you are not happy and if all we can be is friends, then so be it, it hurt me that I’d wasted more time, but I had no choice. He admitted it, told me he was confused but was going to say something, eventually, that he had not realised what he was getting involved in and basically got scared, and decided to ‘get out’ before he fell even further. I did not ‘come into his lifeplan’. We never argued, we both moved on. The time that followed involved me moving on by meeting other people, convincing myself of all the reasons why it could never have worked, ie, he’d never been married (I have been twice), he might want kids (I don’t cos I already have 4); I can’t just do what I want at the drop of a hat; but I always wondered if it could have worked, and he was on my mind throughout that time, I didn’t come across anyone to take my mind off him but

Did you talk about it and agree to be exclusive when he was on the dating site?
Welcome to the board lillyanna2008,
I 100% agree with everything sassisizz wrote to you. I hope you take it all into consideration.
He has his cake and eats it, too!
When you're in a new relationship, and you've fallen for somebody, it's easy to see in them what you want to see and what's really there. Parts of your brain that are responsible for thinking actually physically shut down. You haven't known this guy for long enough to know if what he is telling you is the truth, especially when what you've known has been confounded by your feelings of falling for him. Why would you think you should trust and believe his words over what everybody else can see?
He's had four months to break up with her! And they were only together for two months before that. He's not some shy 18 year old trying to get the courage to break up with his first girlfriend. He's a 38 year old men whose been in relationships in the past. If he wants to see you, he should be mature and honest enough to tell her the truth. If he really has to continue leading on and cheating on a suicidal young girl because he doesn't have enough cahoots to tell her the truth, then he has some issues of his own. Why would you want to be with a man who is that weak?
But my guess is that he is staying with her because he enjoys it. Duh! He's getting sex with a young 24 year old girl. Of course, it's fun for him. Not that there aren't many men out there who would love to give that up in order to get to be with a mature woman. But if he were one of them, he wouldn't still be with her. If you really meant as much to you as he says, then he would have found the courage to end things with her. You deserve a guy who truly cares about you and appreciates you enough to devote himself to proving himself to you. Not a man who would be selfish enough to sleep with another woman knowing that it hurts you. Your love is a beautiful thing. Save it for somebody who can truly love you back in return. Not somebody who will throw empty words at you and then continue to mistreat you.
Thank you all