Do I want a break or a break up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Do I want a break or a break up?
14
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 5:33pm

I have been dating a really nice guy for 7 months. He is 27 and I am 35. He is sweet and fun and caring, but is smothering me. He has been spending all of his time with me and has taken to spending his 'down time' at my house. He is in grad school and is always 'broke' so he never wants to do anything.


We used to do things, and he used to make more of an effort, but now he just hangs around - sits on the couch, watches TV, eats my food and makes a mess! I don't know if he was just trying to impress me in the beginning by being interesting and energetic and this is what he is really like? I told him that I feel like we're in a rut, but it didn't register. Which is strange, because we used to have very strong communication skills - we could talk through things as they came up. But, that has disappeared.


My friends that are my age (and same stage in life) always invite us to do things. I can't really afford to pay his way to go to dinner and trips, so I don't see my friends as much anymore and that REALLY bothers me. He does manage to find time and money to spend with his family that lives 4 hours away (that is an expensive drive to make 2x a month), so that sends a confusing signal, too.


I don't know if I need to do more things by myself and leave him on the couch, or if I just need to break up with him and let him grow up.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 5:58pm
I am 36 and I know I wouldn't be able to put up with this.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 7:59pm

Seems like you know what's going on more than you'd have yourself believe!

" I don't know if he was just trying to impress me in the beginning by being interesting and energetic and this is what he is really like?"
"I just need to break up with him and let him grow up."

He may be a nice guy but he's also a deadbeat leech.
There's no reason a guy in grad school can't pay for his own food.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 9:36am

Thank you for helping me clarify that.

My gut has been telling me that he's a deadbeat leech. I don't know why I just didn't go with that.

I need a partner, not an anchor.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 11:58am

Hi bleubelle07,


Since you've gotten helpful advice, I just wanted to welcome you to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 1:09pm
He has made himself WAY TOO comfortable at my home. He has keys so that he can take care of my dog when necessary and he has taken liberty to just drop by when ever he pleases. He's even brought his family here unannounced!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 1:11pm
Time to get your key back.




angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Thu, 07-10-2008 - 1:30pm
at the very least
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 2:34pm

It sounds as though he's turned into more of a son than a boyfriend. He's putting little effort or money into the relationship and simply thinking of his own needs and wants. The real question is what in the world are you still doing with him? Why are you involved in this? Of course you should go on your own with your own friends. Of course you deserve a happy, full life, and one which also includes having a mature, responsible, equal loving partner at your side. You don't have to put up with this.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 5:46pm

I agree - it is all about him and his wants and needs. Last night, I asked for my key back and tried to set boundaries, and he said, "but I like hanging out here."

Well, that made me see that I want someone who can be more of a partner and less of a son/pupil.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 5:53pm

A big sign you should break up with a guy is when he doesn't want to hang out with your friends and he's the cause of YOU not hanging out with them.

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