Does he know what he wants?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Does he know what he wants?
2
Sat, 07-12-2008 - 12:45pm

I have been with this guy for over a year. We met online and he has been playing every bit of the role of boyfriend. Our relationship has always been more than just the physical, which I have always appreciated, tho the physical did play into it. It was never the focus of us. We have common families, interests and hobbies. We spend much of our time together hiking, talking, traveling, with each other's families, and more. We most definitely are the support for one another. Everything he does is most definitely more than just friends and I'm not talking about the physical here. He puts me first, cares deeply for me, admits to being protective when it comes to my ex, cares for my daughter like a stepchild and all of this is just the tip of the iceberg.


He is extremely busy with work and travels a lot. He shares custody of his two children with his ex 50/50 and takes them on the many MANY times she is flitting about the country for some reason or another. He is an excellent father and his boys come first in his life, just as my daughter comes first in mine. So, when we had first met each other, he would often comment that he just wasn't sure he could do a serious relationship. I never asked, he would just bring it up. He would tell me he was concerned about several things: one being that he is incredibly busy between work and family...believe me, he most definitely is. He was also concerned, as he'd never dated seriously since his divorce, that he didn't know how to introduce it to the boys (5 and 7) since they still openly hold out hope that mom and dad will reunite. My daughter is the same way (7). Then he stopped bringing that up.


As time passed, we got closer and closer. He would seek out reasons to spend time with me and just be near me. He began confiding in me and it soon became clear to both of us that each of us were very important in the other's life. About 3 months ago, he started having some medical issues and he became concerned he was a burden on anyone he'd be with. The meds also started affecting a rather macho part of his life, which he also felt badly about, telling me over and over again how awful he felt that we rarely were able to get physical anymore. He's a sensitive guy and I (obviously) know he isn't lying about that, so I knew it was tearing him apart.


It was about then that he started to encourage me to go out with some of the guys I had been hit on recently with. He said that he understood if I needed to fill the physical need in my life, he just wanted to make sure nothing else would change. That we would still do everything together. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 07-12-2008 - 5:22pm

Welcome to the board almalibra,


::Does he know what he wants?


Probably on some level he does know what he wants....wants everything to stay the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2008
Sun, 07-13-2008 - 10:42am

I think you're right. However, he doesn't get EVERYTHING he wants.


I told him that if friendship is what he truly wants, then there are new rules to play by when together:


1)No intimacy-no sex, no touching, no teasing...nothing


2)He cannot come over while my daughter is home. She already had plans for us and I said nothing to her so she came up with the "happily ever after" idea on her own. So, I'm taking her out of the equation.


3)He is no longer allowed to buy things for me like he does. When we go out to eat...he buys, even if I try. We go shopping at Target...he buys my stuff, usually by saying it will be quicker to pay for it all together...then I try to pay him back and he pretends he doesn't know what I'm talking about.


He balked at all of this. He cares for my daughter a lot. I'm not trying to punish either of them, but I do need to make sure she understands that we're just friends. He was furious about the not buying things for me. He says that it's "what he's supposed to do". I told him, sure...if we were dating, but we're not. We're just friends. He wasn't very thrilled with the no intimacy requirement either, but that one I was firm on. I wouldn't budge. Finally, he conceded that he supposed he could see my point on that one.


So, he doesn't get everything he wants. We'll see what happens.


Almalibra