'Casually' mentioning his exes

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
'Casually' mentioning his exes
22
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 8:39am

I've been in a relationships for 3 months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 11:07am

I think you're being too sensitive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 11:56am

Welcome to the board shedevil788,


Is it the fact that he sometimes mentions these exes that bothers you or the fact that they are still friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 12:13pm

'And I do tend to get a little jealous sometimes, but that's because I care so much'


That is a rationalization that doesn't make sense. My husband cares deeply for me and he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body. Jealousy isn't about caring, it is about insecurity.


I do agree with you that he doesn't have to mention an ex when he plays a cd and he might be mentioning them too much.


'that if he can't stop mentioning them all the time, and if there so important '


What is all the time? Everyday??


'My bf has quite a track record of girls,'


A track record compared to you or really a lot of girls????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 1:48pm

Please stop making up stories and associating the stories to him that stirs up your insecurities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 3:23pm

Hm. Well I will start by saying this, something that I have seen so far to be universally true. I have NEVER seen a relationship that I would call 'great' or 'lasting' in which two people couldn't casually mention people they had previously dated. Extreme sensitivity is a very, very limiting obstacle when you are trying to fit with another person. If you value your own sensitivity too highly, you may miss out on someone who would be good for you if you could loosen up a bit more. It's also true that people are a lot more sensitive to these things in the beginning of a relationship. As you get to know him and become comfortable with him, it may disappear. I'm not exactly sure how often his exes come up so I can't really comment on whether or not I think you're being reasonable, though you have a right to the relationship you want.

Not everyone's past relationships were horrible and abusive, though I understand that it makes you feel better to hear that they were less than you in some way. I think that is human nature to compare. But you should realize that what he's doing is not a comparison. I think he's an honest person who, out of principle, does not want to filter himself. He has probably had very sensitive girlfriends in the past that he has learned from. It seems like a pretty big requirement for him.

If this is really bothering you then it would be well within your rights to say, "I want you to feel comfortable talking to me but on the other hand I am not personally comfortable hearing that level of detail about your past relationships". Hopefully he will understand and cut back a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Tue, 07-22-2008 - 11:21pm

I find it inappropriate to mention his exes in a way that is comparative to you or to constantly remind you of the things that they gave him to screw with your head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 07-23-2008 - 1:07pm

Welcome to the board shedevil788,


How casual are the comments?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 7:13am

Do you want to stop this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2004
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 9:32am

"Is it the fact that he sometimes mentions these exes that bothers you or the fact that they are still friends? "


Both. I'm okay with girls that he has a platonic friendship with.


I'm not okay with girls he slept with and still call him regularly and have explicitely said they want him back. ==> His explanation: she was there for him before, so he doesn't want to drop her cold turkey now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 07-24-2008 - 9:49am
After your clarifications I have to agree that this guy is just a snake. He also thinks that as long as he apologizes each time you get upset, that's the only ticket he needs to continue doing it. This would piss me off too.

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