wife drifting away...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2008
wife drifting away...
1
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 2:58am

Hi. Please help.
My wife (aged 37) of 14 years left me three weeks ago.
Three years ago I had an affair. It was a friendship that built over many months. My wife said there was something going on, but I could not see it. As the months went by my wife started her first bout of depression. She was also pregnant at the time. In the end I confessed about the affair, which was a couple of encounters but no sex.
Shortly after that the birth was ended up being an emergency C section, the milk never really came in, no family there as we were living away. It really was a bad time. From here my wifes depression got worse.
In July 2007 her Father passed away while on an overseas holiday. My wife coped well with this but by the end of last year headed down hill again. Over the first 6 months things went real bad. major depression. I tried to support my wife through this time but was always seen as the bad guy.
Around July/August this year things picked up. By September my wife said she wanted to have another child, which was a surprise after all we had been through (including several years of IVF).
Then, around the end of September things started going bad. We had always been very open secually, but she started really pushing the limits. She had an affair with her best friends husband, though it was more of a long distance txt email affair. She had also met a young man in a nightclub and wanted to catch up with him and see where it went. I said no, we can't do an open relationship anymore... I'm a father now and it didn't feel right. After an hour of talking about what she could and could not do and how she found me controlling (for asking her not to see another man) she sat me down and told me about a suicide attempt that had happened several months before and how this meant she was no longer going to miss out on what she wanted.
From here it went to online dating (which I introduced for US to use from our own home for OUR sex lives) but my wife started handing out her mobile number and sending mobile phone pics of herself. When I found a text asking a guy to meet her at her gym carpart at 5:20 am I went off at her. That night she stayed at a girlfriends house. The next afternoon I had us in for emergency marriage councelling. Would you believe she left this session in the afternoon and I though she was staying with a girlfriend. She called me later that night to say she was staying on a boat with a couple of guys she had met. She then turned off her phone and that night I didn't sleep a minute. She texted the next morning to say she was 'intact in every way' and would see me about 7:30 am after she had been to the gym???? and this was a work day.
Looking back it was classic mania. There was big spending, caring about her looks, and she was still on a high dose of anti-depressants.
Well, things got worse from there really. She has no time for me. I just annoy her. Three weeks ago she called it off and moved out. She is telling people she is on top of the world. I am totally crushed. I still love her and want her back.
This afternoon I got a text from her saying that she had been to the doctors and they are happy, she is happy, so unless they is faking it she must be fine.
During this separation she wants to and is dating. She has told me to date also. She is saying its not about sex and she is not having sex. I have seen emails from her to friends saying she wants to work on making a good friend again (but I fear thats all...)
last week when I told her that I had seen emails where she is boasting how many wonderful men she has at the moment, I told her she had ruined my life and I didn't want to speak to her apart from about our child. She then asked me to a rock concert that Friday night (where she spent most of the night scanning the room) and then on Sunday wanted me to go with her as a 'friend' to another concert. I talked with one of her girlfriends and turns out she had a date yesterday morning before the concert that she wanted me to go to.
Seems she wants to have her cake and eat it too! Why does she need to date, can't she spend some time alone?

What do i do? Cut contact, or be her friend while she dates other guys. I want to win her back. Truth is I don't think I am strong enough to go cold turkey on her.

Please help!

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 10:36am

It sounds to me as though your wife is living on the moon. Her behavior seems as if it is part of a manic depressive cycle - though I cannot diagnose anyone I have not personally seen. Clearly, she has had severe emotional problems in the past. Her behavior now does not include respect or caring for you. She is not interested in your feelings, only her own. She is not at all functioning as a couple, but as a single individual. From this point of view, the relationship is already over.


Right now I don't think she is stable enough to be in a relationship. Clearly, she needs and wants to be free, to explore and to complete whatever she feels was incomplete in the past. There is no way at all of knowing where this will take her.


I strongly urge you to seek therapy for yourself to handle your upset, loss, confusion and possible sense of betrayal as well. There is no reason to hold onto the relationship at this point. What matters now is to get your own life, stability, self respect and sense of well being back. Build yourself up now. Focus upon good therapy, good support systems, and defining your own values and standards, what you want in a relationship. There is nothing you can do to change her. Let that go. Change yourself. Grow strong and positive and life will show you what to do and what steps come next for you.


Best wishes,