In laws disrupting our marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
In laws disrupting our marriage
5
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 10:33am

Hi, I have been having this problem for years and I think I need some advice regarding my husband's family. When my mother was dying of cancer 10 years ago my brother in law refused to help me. She was sick for 12 years on and off. She had them (BIL SIL)and us our children for holidays. She was a saint. She just wanted love.( BIL SIL ,they are unmarried and have no family their parents being deceased) I, DH and some aids helped my mom with all the dinners.Sometimes I made them at my home and invited everyone.He (BIL)would not help with anything.Very very self centered and selfish and lazy. (same city) He said he was tired or too busy.

My sister in law visited her once in the hospital (SIL was from another city) and never visited her in the nursing home. Neither did brother in law.In fact I made a reservation and donated $100 to the nursing home so he (BIL) could attend a family only holiday celebration. At the last minute he called me up and said he would not come because he did not want to be with a bunch of old sick people. I never told mom. I made up a story that his friend had an emergency.

They both refused to come to her prayer service when she died ( both were in town that week)claiming they were TOO BUSY TO PRAY with me.) BIL asked what he could have from her household stuff. Like a fool I gave him pots and pans because I was so emotional!I never should have. I wanted to get rid of her stuff!

Fast forward, my husband wanted them to still attend our family holidays at our home after her death and I tried over the years to grit my teeth and smile although I seethed inside when they would arrive. I have told husband and he says well they were wrong and I should try to forgive. I cannot keep doing it. For the last several years SIL has not even come claiming she will not eat my food. BIL would not eat my turkey and insisted on bringing his own. When he saw how good mine looked he left his in the car at a family gathering!

Now BIL is very sick. I have turned my cheek and visited in the hospital, and prepared him food. He has lots of money. He can afford to hire help. I do not want to become responsible for him because I work at home and do not want it to fall on me and my husband. My husband keeps taking time off to help him. I have alot of work to do. i don't have the time or energy to keep helping him.

They would not help me in my time of need with my mother and mom was forced to pay aids and strangers a lot of money.I did as much as I could for her. I was sandwiched...work, kids, mom etc. They would not even come pray with me. I begged them to come and they were very nasty and said they were too busy.Imagine!!!

I think he should hire aids to help him. I will help if he is truly starving but enough is enough. He can not drive etc. Please help. My husband says he will not make me help or shop or cook for him (BIL)He understands how upset I am about it. Thanks.Again he has lots of money to hire help...But my husband says things to make me feel guilty like saying well I love him because is is my brother...Please help. It is tearing me apart.Before she died my mother said to me that she thought they were jealous because Dh was married and they were not and they were mean to me (always since the wedding) to try to break us up.Rifka

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 12:11pm

Your in-laws can only disrupt your marriage with your permission.


'They would not help me in my time of need with my mother and mom was forced to pay aids and strangers a lot of money'.


In all honesty, it was not up to them to help your mother avoid paying for help. They weren't generous, they had problems going to the nursing home, etc but they also weren't related to this woman. Why get so upset and make this about so much drama??


It is nice of you to help your BIL but your own husband told you that you don't have to so why do it and then complain about it??? Do what is reasonable for your schedule and stop feeling guilty. If your husband says he loves his brother then he can also help him while he is sick as much as he is able.


You are letting these people upset you and you don't have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 3:49pm

Rifka, I've also been through the death of a loved one, and to be honest, it's not the place of the inlaws to help. Caring for my mom or dad would be instinctive - but I would never ask my husband's sisters to help care for one of my own ailing parents. It's just too much to ask. They are too far removed. And on the off chance I did ask for help, I would not be offended if they said that they couldn't do it.

As for BIL not attending the prayer for your mother.....perhaps he's not religious. You can't expect a person without religion to attend a prayer. But even if he is religious, again, your mother is really a bit too far removed on the family tree for him to be *expected* to do this.

Anyway, now your BIL is ill - naturally your husband will care for him. Because he's family. But I'd try to let go of your feelings about BIL and SIL not helping with your mother's death. I do think you were wrong to *expect* them to help out when your mother was dying.

You touched on the issues of your BIL and SIL being rude to you during holidays. Given your expectation of them, I'd be quite interested to hear their side of the story. When we take into consideration what you have expected of them, I can understand them being not being warm to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 3:59pm

Welcome to the board rifka2006,


I have to say that I agree with Gina.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 4:52pm
Hi Thank you for your advice. I guess the reason I expected so much of them is because of what I did for them when their parents were dying. We invited them over many many times, visited their parents and gave them continuous support.After the funeral my mom and I had all the food brought into their home etc etc. She continued to give them support by inviting them to dinners etc. So did I. I thought it worked both ways but I am glad to hear your points of view. It is a different way of looking at it and I am seeing what you are saying. I helped them because I cared about them when they lost their parents. It was also my husband's parents so I did all the helping for the 3 of them. Perhaps I was expecting the same reciprocation but perhaps I expected too much. They did not feel as close to me as I did to them. It makes more sense now. They are deeply religious. Just self centered I guess. Thanks for your advice. I understand better now. Rifka
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 10:51pm

But the thing is, you helped with your *husband's* parents. We're talking immediate inlaws here.

However what you were asking of them is further removed again. *Your* parents are not in any way, shape or form connected to your BIL or SIL.

Anyway, I don't agree that they are selfish. They are simply too far removed from your mother to be expected to be involved.