husband manipulates, silent treatment

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
husband manipulates, silent treatment
7
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 3:08pm

My husband is stationed in Korea for a year while I remain at home in the states with our children 11 and 13.


He runs around like he isn't married, getting drunk, out with his friend all the time and blows me off on the weekends, doesn't spend the night in his dorm room and claims he is with his friend (a guy) whom he seems to emulate. He will do all these things and when I get mad he hangs up on me and ignores me for days, will not call, answer, ignores emails. My birthday just passed and I didn't get one phone call or email. We've been married for 14 years and it disturbs me deeply that he can be so flippant about our family. He blames his childhood of not being a 'popular' kid for always having to party now. Truth is, I just am not buying it anymore. What can I do when he gives me the silent treatment. It hurts very badly and makes me feel like a nobody.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 3:24pm

I can understand how his silence hurts you. However, I don't agree that he should have to stay in at night. If there's no family to go home to, why not go out and have a good time?

Has his silence been an ongoing issue throughout your marriage....or is it his reaction to your current feelings?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 3:27pm
No it's been ongoing. And financially we can't afford his constant going out and paying for his friends drinking too. Also, he did this running around a lot when he lived at home and would leave me to care for the kids for years., which also caused money trouble. It's not like a run to the pub (which I didn't mind in England when we were stationed there) this is partying and not going back to his dorm, there really is no reason why a married father of 2 should be spending the night with someone else. I don't think getting wasted every night is just having a good time. It seems like a problem to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 4:07pm

Welcome to the board jadedwife,


I can understand you being upset about your husband's lack of interest in communicating with you and your children while he is deployed. However, it does seem like these problems have been around for years and they aren't going to change very easily at this point. Especially while he is in another country. I think your best bet is to let him know how you feel and that you really want to work on these issues when he returns. Don't expect him to change right now though. I just don't see that happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 4:28pm
Yeah that's what worries me. I have a son with a neurological disorder and I think it's sad he even has me in this position when my focus and energies need to be on the children. I don't see him changing either and I am not sure sticking around is going to be something I can do with the way things are going.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 4:56pm
When is he due to come home?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 6:52pm

It sounds as though your husband is having a kind of breakdown, mid-life crisis, plus a thousand. His treatment of you is abusive. In fact, he is pretending that he is single and has no further responsibilities. Of course it hurt very much. On your side, you do not have to be there for this - or accept this treatment. You do not have to take his calls either, when he does call. You can let him know that his behavior has consequences and that you may not always be there for him if he behaves this way. Take a step back. Do not allow or accept abuse. Get yourself a good therapist and work out the hurt and shocked feelings you have. Then, little by little you will be able to make choices that are respectful and healthy for yourself.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 7:45pm
If he is not open to therapy or at least seeing how destructive his behavior is and just wants his way (or the highway) then you need to take care of yourself, preserve yourself, and get the heck out of that marriage.