Game playing

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Game playing
10
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 2:16am

I'll start by apologizing for the length of this email.


I started dating a guy about 2 1/2 to 3 months ago (the first few weeks were via email). I was reluctant to date him because a) he's separated (divorce pending in Jan/Feb, or so I'm told) and 2) he has 3 children. I told him upfront that I didn't think I could or should date him. He convinced me that it wouldn't be a problem. I went out with him mainly because I didn't really think anything would come of it --- and was greatly surprised to find myself extremely attracted to him (even though he has never been my type in the past). The relationship aspect started out pretty heavy - though I didn't break the cardinal rule by having sex with him on the first date (although he was all over me - as well as several other times we went out). But then I decided I wanted him (and I wanted him bad - we had

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 4:17am

I'm confused. You said you "let him go" a week and a half ago. Being that you've broken up, why are you worrying about all this stuff?

If he's an ex, just ignore him. Simple.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 7:09am

After two months of dating this guy you seem FAR too demanding and unreasonable. To be upset because you didn't hear from him for 6 hours or because he has business, personal or otherwise to take care of, is immature and needy.

He is being honest with you, but you are the one playing games. Grow up and accept that he is a responsible adult and parent, or let him go.

You should admire that he doesn't bash his XW. It shows his level of maturity and care for his kids. You have no business
Critisizing her or his dealings with her.

He has three kids. They are not a problem, like he said. Your inability to accept his responsibility to them as their dad is the problem.

You are too immature and selfish for a relationship with a father. He also has issues if he's declaring love for you and giving you access to his kids while still married and after only a few weeks of internet chat.

This is a train wreck in the making.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 11:32am

Hi True ..... well, I guess I neglected to mention that he contacted me during the two days we were broken up and said he wanted to keep it going, and honestly, I did, too. I like him a lot - which surprises me every day as, physically, he is not the type of guy I've ever dated. He's shorter, thinner, older. My last boyfriend was 6 years younger, tall, dark, heavier. But there are things about him I really like. He is free with his emotions - even told me he wore his heart on his sleeve, which oddly I liked. But I've seen a decline in interest over the past few weeks. We did have an issue yesterday when he told me how the WIFEY wants more money. I raised my child along, getting a whopping $50 a week from his lackluster father, who eventually disappeared from his life all together when he was 11, never to be heard from again. ANd this b**ch doesn't realize how great she had it with her 3 acre, 6 bedroom house. Add to that the fact that she is a doctor, and I'm currently in between menial jobs. Yes, I feel jealous, but what I mostly feel is annoyance that he seems to cave to all her demands.


He said - not long ago - that he would do what he had to to keep things together and working and that he saw a "future" with me, but I feel like he's begun to give up, and his interest seems to have waned. I don't know why. I hate playing games, but I feel like he's sort of doing that to me - or, as suggested, he is just not that into me anymore, though I don't know why. I've been very good to him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 1:51pm

I don't think you have any idea what he is going through.


1)He still has lots of loose ends to tie up as a result of the divorce which take up his time.


2)His kids should be number one in his life.


3)He and his ex need to be on good terms for the sake of the kids. If they are friends, all the better. He is frustrated because you turn it into a jealousy thing.


He never should have gotten involved so soon after the separation. It felt good to him and was a great distraction but he didn't separate that feeling from 'love'.


He is not game playing but doing what he has to do in life right now and you are not first priority.


You keep saying that he is not your type and you are right. Find a guy who is single and doesn't have kids.




Edited 11/12/2008 1:52 pm ET by ciao__gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 2:52pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 4:40pm

Welcome to the board whatif_girl,


Until he's legally divorced he really can't promise anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 5:14pm
Thank you, Carrie. I guess I should follow the rule that if it's too hard then perhaps it isn't meant to be. I don't know why I keep getting involved in impossible relationships. One reason probably is that I don't have much going on. I spent 20 years raising my son (before he joined the marines) and I had very few friends and hadn't developed who I was. I was never a "dater". I was too busy being a mom. But I seem to keep picking guys who won't work. The last one was a negative loser who hated everything and almost everyone - except me. I guess that made me feel special. But - like most women - I kept hoping he would change - FIVE long years of hoping. If I had only listen to myself I would have been 37 and off looking for someone else. But now I just turned 43 and am still alone and have zero going in my life. I realize I've got to be the one to make the change, I just don't know how - or even what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 5:31pm

Being resentful about another persons life, nanny, etc isn't going to help your situation.


He told you that it would work and that he loved you because he believed it at the time but he wasn't in a reasonable state. He was caught up in the way he felt with you. You two are both responsible for jumping in too fast. He is responsible for not looking at how this relatiosnhip would afect his kids-In my opinion, the fact that his kids even met you is wrong. Now they are going to wonder where you went.


If you feel like you have no life, stop playing the martyr and get one. Go to school, volunteer, get involved at church, start a new hobby, join a gym, whatever it takes to meet people like you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: whatif_girl
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 7:47pm

Hi Gina, I haven't met his children. Both of us agreed that it wouldn't be proper until *after* he was officially divorced - and frankly I'm not ready. I guess you and the other folks who responded are right. I shouldn't have stupidly believed he had actual feelings for me. I think he was extremely lonely and used to being in a relationship. Trust me, I think he has figured out that this thing we have going is not right for either of us. It is going to be hard. I actually - and foolishly - developed some real feelings for him. Worse, the holidays are coming and it seems I'm going to be alone - again. I do (desperately) want to develop some sort of life for myself but I can't seem to think of where to begin. I don't have the spare money to go to school (never even got a college degree, which makes me feel even more jealous of him (he's a lawyer) and his wife is a doctor! I work (if you can call it that) from home, and I can't think of a single "hobby" I'd like to get involved in. I just don't know where to go or what to do. But I am very open for suggestions.


Thanks.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: whatif_girl
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 1:11pm

When you get together the second time around and there are ex spouses and children, there are always complications of one kind or another. It takes a lot of work, understanding, communication and maturity to be able to deal with all your new partner brings to the table. Sometimes a former spouse does become so demanding and intrusive that it can break a new relationship up. It is up to your boyfriend to handle his wife's demands and create appropriate boundaries so that her needs and situation does not encroach upon you, and you feel first in the relationship and as though your needs are being met. If he cannot or does not stand up to her and make proper space for you, then he needs help in doing so. If he doesn't want to get the help, then the relationship can't really provide for your needs.


Best wishes,