Friend/family want me to divorce
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Friend/family want me to divorce
| Wed, 11-12-2008 - 5:00pm |
Hi,
I've been on many boards over the years with essentiall the same issues with DH and quite frankly now that we're going to have a child, I'm more confused (and scared) than ever.
My family does not like my DH at all. Never did because he never went to college, earning potential has always been medocre to sad, and has debt and ran me into debt.
My best friend (and some others) said I should move on for the same issues as well as things my parents don't know about (pot smoking, drinking to excess where he punched a door,

Welcome to the board maybebaby9,
Well for me personally I could never be with a man that did drugs of any kind. Especially with a baby on the way. If the only reason you want to leave him is because of finances maybe you could met with a financial advisor and possibly fix the issue. If there are other reasons for the divorce, than go ahead and file. I seriously doubt that with you being pregnant you would have to pay him money, but I could be wrong. I also don't think he stands a chance of getting the baby from you. Sounds like that is a threat to me more than anything which isn't right.
What is your heart telling you to do at this point?
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'(pot smoking, drinking to excess where he punched a door,
Gina,
I would appreciate if you didn't assume and/or judge. We all make mistakes and obviousy me putting quetions and talking to lawyers does show that eyes are now opened. I'm sure we all made mistakes and/or have skeletons in the closet.
When someone grows up in an environment of high abuse, you learn tolerance for all sorts of behaviors and you carry them into your adult life when dealing with relationships. If you never experienced this, you're lucky. You would be suprised there are more women like me than like you.
As for the other question regarding my heart:
I'm beyond confused. The only reason why is he's not all bad.
Very doating
Apologizes first
Has "improved" over the years
Affectonate
Always talks positive about me to friends
When I did have episodes of depression, he was always there (it's only now that I threated divorce is he using this against me)
Protective
Can be totally unselfish
So it's not a non-stop loser fest with him. But I will say yes the #1 reason is money but the other issues are high on the list too. It gets old always babysitting and setting rules with someone who does drink (for example no hard liquor) or smokes pot (our physician does know and says it's better than pain pill addiction. My husband has severe back pain. So now the rule is smoke in the garage not in the acutal house and he's cut down significantly). But we have friends who smoke and neither my husband nor I agree with it because it's way too social and dumb with their kids. We feel they're not being smart about it at all.
The issue also is my parents, as I just stated, have never had a loving or positive relationship. Lots of abuse and control. So how can I listen to them when they just always dealt with their problems instead of divorcing?
Same with my friend. Minus the drinking/pot issue, she's in the exact same boat in her marriage yet she doens't leave. In fact, she has more relationship time with her husband than mine. So how can she comment?
I'm not saying their concern and advice isn't warrented or because they don't care. I know they do and it's always easier to point out others' mistakes or 'should do' than their own . But it doesn't help in my confusion. I know no marriage is a bed of roses but I've never witnessed a healthy one. I know everyone is different behind closed doors and some are more open about issues than others. So how would I know if I divorced it wouldn't be a mistake?
With this baby, you would melt how he is. He talks every day to the baby saying he loves him and can't wait to meet him. He won't let me lift or do anything. Was there for every key doc appt and we went through infertility care with love and support with each other. He's beyond words excited about the baby and nearly everyone else says that this child will change him for the better. I just don't know. It's all uncertain and people can go right back to who they are.
I just feel with 40 approaching in 2 years, I need to figure out something if I ever want a chance but it breaks my heart knowing that I could also be affecting my child divorcing at an early age. But my primary concern is an unhealthy, married environment is far worse than a divorce would ever be. I lived it.
<< But my primary concern is an unhealthy, married environment is far worse than a divorce would ever be. I lived it. >>
Bingo.
'I would appreciate if you didn't assume and/or judge.'
I am not even talking about your 'skeletons' but your future.
How did I assume? I was replying to the facts. He is abusive and I don't think that you should bring a child into his life.
'When someone grows up in an environment of high abuse, you learn tolerance for all sorts of behaviors'
So do you want your child to tolerate abuse? Do you want your child to go through what you did?
Who cares what your parents or friends are thinking or doing. Do what is right for YOUR situation and your child.
Edited 11/12/2008 8:30 pm ET by ciao__gina
Welcome to the board maybebaby9,
How far along are you? I'm sure pregnancy is adding to the emotions you have already been feeling.
::(pot smoking, drinking to excess where he punched a door,