Is this relationship even saveable?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Is this relationship even saveable?
6
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 12:36am

My daughter's father and I have had 2 major break ups. 1 happened this summer that passed and just yesterday. There has been quite a bit of infidelity but nothing more serious than this summer. Basically during the 3 plus years we have been together he has looked for other women online to talk "sexy" with but to the best of my knowledge nothing came of it. He says it didn't and the girls say it didn't, still maybe it did. But this past summer we had lost our home and our jobs and ended up in a family shelter for 60 days. Our time was up we still hadn't found employment and housing lists in our cities and surrounding counties take time. We won't ever make it without the assistance we get, for now anyway. So I moved to my mom's house so my daughter and I would have a place to stay he basically toughed it out staying at friend's houses and stuff. Well we argued a great deal durring the time away and in the shelter too. We ended up breaking up 2 weeks after we exited the shelter. He had been seeing another girl and decided to be with her. I was devistated. I couldn't sleep or eat all I longed for was my love but he didn't want me. He was unreasonably mean and curt with me when he called to ask if he could see his daughter. About a month after the break up we decided we would be cordial for the sake of our daughter. And so his new girlfriend couldnt be involved with my daughter I demanded to supervise the visits, he agreed. During the visits he would talk about "us" basically asked me for another chance and it felt so right. We gave it a go. We had an excellent month in August. There was even a possibility that I was pregnant again and I was excited about it but tests said negative. I had gotten a 6 month room in another family shelter and he moved in with us after we reconciled. The room was tiny, but I was greaatful for a roof over our heads. We began fighting again starting Septemeber, so we had exactly 1 happy month together. They moved us to a bigger room but the fighting continued. we ended up in therapy for couples and it went well in the office but not out of the office. It seems like everytime we fight its about our daughter and the fact I take most responsibility for her and he isnt even working or doing housework. I get some work here and there with the agency I'm employed with but its not enough and its not steady. But one thing I really argue with him about is the issue we dealt with, which is his unfaithfulness. Well to sum it up. We are apart again, and yesterday I flat out asked him if he wanted to work it out or not. He kept saying he didn't know, part of him says yes and part says no. I have been hearing that answer for a few days

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 6:47am
Yes I think it is saveable. I think that your circumstances are bad due to the economy and a lot of short tempered/emotional stuff has been done and said by you both due to pressure. Give it another chance for the sake of your daughter. Can you get a steady job as a temp or in a store, beauty salon, or restaurant or something as a start part time but with a steady check.... and he too,something steady..maybe not a great job but it brings in cash? Maybe with a steady paycheck it will start to improve the relationship. Money is a big source of fights. Hope this helps. If you love him don't give up on it.Also how about go to church or wherever and pray together as a family.It's a good activity and will ground you both in hope and faith, something you sound like you both are lacking... You will find people to help you there too. Churches help out their families in times of trouble. The economy will have to improve eventually or the whole country will be a wreck. It will take time though I think. In the meantime try to find some STEADY part time work.Maybe your family could help with the childcare..? Hugs Rifka
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:14am

I hate to say it, but I think your DD's father is probably not going to be a reliable partner.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:28am
So then do you think my answer was very thoughtless when I said this should be it? I do love him a great deal. He is jsut so unmotivated and unhappy (and I probably dont make it easy on him at all) that I don't think he will want to work on the relationship right now. But I can't get him to see that I need things in my lovelife to be running somewhat smoothly for my life as a whole to be running smooothly. I have been putting applications in to ANYTHING that I know how to do. Im not handy and
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:31am
Yes I know what you mean. And I sort of felt by him saying no and
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2006
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:46am

Hi, I think you should keep trying with the jobs. How about sales? Like a clothing store,
drug store, Walmart, BJ Costco Sams Club, jewelry store etc. Library, school? Anything.Anything. If they say you are overqualified tell them you are desperate for a job. They should understand that.I agree that you need to get settled regarding money. No matter which one of you is earning it someone needs to earn money in order to eat and live and feed the child. That is number 1 priority along with making sure your child has care while you work.

You have to take care of yourself and child first. I do agree that the relationship part is secondary right now to the job situation. That will take work and time.You need to find the job and he really needs to find the job doing something too. Anything with a paycheck that he is able to do. If you need to, then stay with your family until you get settled and he gets his feet on the ground. Even if he won't go to church then you go with your daughter and start to network out there and meet people. You never know who will help you but most of the people there are there for a reason because they need faith love and support just like you and your daughter and him. So if you go maybe he will go eventually. I think if you stick with it you will find peace in your life and maybe bring him around to how a family can be functional in a down economy by seeing other familes love and survive through community spirit. Try. It's a new way of looking at things but at least you will meet new people and maybe they know of a job opening. Maybe some retired people can help with childcare for your daughter. Maybe they have a food pantry etc. When you are down and out the only place to go is forward. Don't look back. Just keep trying. Good Luck. Rifka

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:55am
Believe me, I haven't given up trying. Everyday