He lies again

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2008
He lies again
5
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 3:51pm

About 5 months ago, I posted a message about my husband that I caught having an internet affair. I got some nice responses so now, I'm back because I need more advise.

We moved to Jamaica with our daughter. The transition, rebuilding the trust, not having a job has not been easy on me. Anyways, I think, or thought we were doing good. I make strong efforts not to look back and attack him for the past, and he has been behaving like a true gentleman.

Now, last week, as I was about to go join him to bed, I don't know what came over me, but I went through his emails again. I hadn't done that since my first horrendous discovery, so I guess I just wanted to make sure we were on the right track. It was wrong, and I feel horrible about betraying him like that, but I have to say I'm not happy with what I discovered. I'm just not sure how to or if at all, I should react to it.

Though I am glad to report I found no evidence of cheating, He has been lying to me A LOT. About the most trivial and stupid things: When he finds out about travel plans for work(it's always a last minute thing, he says), a one day team building Fun Day at a resort (he has yet to tell me about that), a business he is starting with some colleagues (he never mentioned it to me), who he has lunch or dinner plans with while on travel or at home... the list goes on and on...

Now the thing is, once in a while(about once a week), I ask him whats new with work, colleagues and stuff. But he never has much to report and now I find out that all along he's been lying. I don't know what to do, how to react, if I should react...

Please help me, give me some advise...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 5:26pm

It isnt ok for him to lie to you...PERIOD no matter how trivial it may seem. He should be forthcoming and honest all of the time for you to trust him implicitly. Same with my daughter's dad. He cheated, I took him back and then one day wanted to check emails and wasn't happy with what I found. But you have to think about it like this, is your marriage worth for you to just ignore the lying or do you want itto stop? It doesnt seem like he will. Maybe he needs serious counceling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 5:51pm
I would confront him about it. You probably shouldn't have been snooping, and you can apologize to him for that. However, the bigger issue is that he has been living a secret double life that you have known nothing about. How are you supposed to trust him when you don't even know him? Without trust, the relationship is unlikely to survive. He really needs to start opening up to you about everything and to stop keeping secrets. That is going to require a lot of open, honest communication between the two of you, and the first step toward that communication is letting him know what you've found. He will probably try to deflect the blame off of himself by blaming you for snooping. Don't let him use that as a way to get off the hook. This is an issue that absolutely has to be dealt with.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:57pm

He doesn't have to tell you every single thing about his life. Some men need privacy. It doesn't mean he's "lying", it means he doesn't want to share every single thing with you, all details. You found that he was not cheating. So, just leave everything else alone. It's too bad that you felt you had to check into his personal life like that. Trust means trust. It means allowing a partner to have his own world and life and not feel as though you are his policewoman. It sounds to me as though he has a real need to be his own person and have some space of his own. This does not constitute either lying or betrayal. It's important in marriage to have boundaries and a life of one's own. Or else a partner can feel as though they are being possessed.


All good wishes,

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 3:20pm

I'm no expert on this myself but I have done quite a bit of reading on this subject.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 11-15-2008 - 7:27pm

Here's your previous post: I caught his online affair


While I agree that he doesn't have to share all details with you, the fact that he's not discussing starting a business is the kind of thing most spouses would share.