2nd marriage but his kids are a problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
2nd marriage but his kids are a problem.
8
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 6:28pm

This could be a long story, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 8:40pm
Firstly, the son isn't the problem. You are. And I don't mean that as youre an awful woman! I meant that as it seems to them that you and your children kind of replaced their family and theyre resenful for it. Still its no excuse, the children should respect you. actually they should TREAT you with respect. They dont have to (though I don't see why they shouldn't) respect you, but they have to be respectful OF you. And you should really demand that he put his foot down. He is the parent they are the kids. They have no idea how lucky they are. My mom is widowed and I want her to meet someone, but my sister disagrees. I bet my mom would be happy if she met someone...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 9:01pm

When their family was intact, they were very different from mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 9:01pm

Unless he agrees to go to individual counseling and couples counseling with you, it would be best to cut your losses now. He has to want to make this work 100% for counseling to even work. You CAN NOT fix this yourself.

1. You started seeing each other before he was divorced and healed from that relationship, he is not in a healthy place to have a healthy, happy relationship with anyone. It takes time to get over something like that and it doesn't happen in a couple months 95% of the time no matter how bad or good the marriage was, and with him being in an verbally and emotionally abusive marriage would take even longer than normal. Regardless of the type of person his wife was, HE chose to put up with it, that was his fault, and he is the only one that can fix that.

2. The letter you sent to the ex-wife about his son should have came from him not you.

""but that provoked a threatening phonecall from them which called me unthikable names and was hurtful. I asked my husband to do something about it, but.... he told me to drop it.""

3. You let him dis respect you and your feelings because you don't respect yourself enough and he has no respect for you or himself, if he did he wouldn't have let his wife treat him the way she did. If you don't respect yourself first no one else is going to. We teach other how to treat us.

4. This is the one that really gets me...YOU let his daughter dis respect YOUR OWN children, there is no way in heck I would stand for that I don't care how much I "loved someone". That is teaching your children it is ok to be dis respected, and that falls on your shoulders. You should be teaching them to love themselves and respect themselves first so that they can be that way with others, and won't put up with someone treating them this way and being "ugly" to them.

""I don't want to add any pressure on him because he tends to get depressed when the ex and daughter start their cat fights... ""

Thats sad, doesn't sound like he "tends to get depressed" it sounds like he is depressed, but that is HIS problem and UNLESS he wants to fix it NOTHING you do will help. Love does not conquer all.

Counseling would be good for you, but not to stop being self centered, because you are not, IMO you need to be more self centered. You are worrying about fixing everyone else and what is best for everyone else without doing that for yourself first. Get counseling for yourself to make yourself happy and healthy emotionally and find your boundaries and stick with them. You nor your children deserve to be treated the way they are treating you, but you have to know and believe that first, only you can stop it and a good counselor would help with that, and help you make the right decision for yourself and your children concerning this marriage. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 9:25pm

Welcome to the board mdwz,


Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 9:49pm

Carrie, you ARE RIGHT. Because it is never going to change at this point in his life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:16pm

That is totally unacceptable behavior from his son and your dh! I am disgusted...I would never ever ever let my daughter have sex in my house much less anywhere else...unless she was married of course.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2000
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 2:39pm
Some people are more liberal and I respect that, but I have 2 minor children at home and I don't want them exposed to that.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-14-2008 - 3:09pm

I would SO be putting my foot down about your SS having sex in your home!!!