I dont know what to do....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
I dont know what to do....
11
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 12:02pm

Hi there..

My girlfriend and I split up about a week ago.

Let me start from the beginning.

She (Karisa) and I have been best friends for just about 10 years. In high school I was not there as a friend of support for her like I should have been. I was in a controlling relationship at the time and tried to keep peace between everyone. Karisa started to date this guy in junior year and was with him just up until this past June. (that would be just about 4 years). They went through alot together (she became pregnant but had the abortion). During their last year together, her boyfriend (Eric) just started to be destructive. He stopped communicating with her, and she was becoming unhappy. During that last year she was with him, she was always hanging out with me because she knew that she could be herself and have a good time with me. Eric was never there for her on her birthday, valentines day, any holiday really, didnt like any of her friends nor gave them a chance, and thus created a bad rep for himself. Well for the past 6 months leading up to June, I had been really holding myself back by not talking to her about my feelings for her because I didnt want to interfere with their relationship. But their relationship only got worse and she was hanging out with me more and more to be happy again. In June, I finally caved and as she was leaving my house one night, I pulled her back into me and gave her a kiss. I wanted to show her that she could have this happiness with me, that there is a better and right relationship just waiting to grow. To my surprise, she returned that kiss. Later that week, she broke up with him to be with me because she knew in her heart that she would be happy with me. And you know what? She was very happy. We, however, rushed into our relationship with intimacy and romance rather than dating first. For the first month and a half, we were very happy, and she had lifted spirits. But then she ran into Eric and broke up with me because she "was not over him yet". I understood that. I wanted her to take the necessary time to get her feelings together and sort her life out first. A week later and she told me that she KNEW she wanted to be with me. But ever since then, she started treating me like Eric treated her. She stopped communicating with me. I guess I was smothering her with attention (always being with her, not giving her any space) but I didnt know I was doing that because she never said anything to me. We lasted 4 months. I had no idea I was smothering her. I found out though I was doing that to escape my insecurities (job, school, parents). I didnt know I was doing that until after we had broken up. For the last month or so we were together it was almost like she didnt want anything to do with our relationship. All she could think about was him. It was like I never even was given the chance to be her boyfriend because she was always thinking about him.

About two weeks ago, she met up with Eric. Apparently she had been trying to meet with him for several weeks to talk to him. (she told me she ran into him again). He didnt want to meet with her because he didnt want anything to do with her. He still cares for her, but doesnt trust her. That night, I was comming home and was going to ask her out on a date because my interview went very well.... only to find out she was breaking up with me because once again, she wasnt over him.

About a week after we broke up, she came over and we had a heart to heart conversation. I told her that I am working on facing my insecruties, my problems, and I will be a better person when I am over them. I then told her about the christmas gift i got her. We have this thing she calls "Bonzai" and only she and I get it because its our thing. It means whenever she envokes the right to bonzai, she is right about anything. haha. So I printed that out with a seal of approval, had it signed, and framed it for her. I did that because I love her... she means everything to me. She had a few tears roll down her cheek when she saw that, and when we parted ways after the conversation. I told her as a promise I will be a better person and would like the chance I never really had to be her guy. She said she didnt know right now.

And now here we are two weeks after the breakup, and (im not trying to assume anything) but I think she got back together with him. (he is now top of her myspace friends list).

I dont get it...

She broke up with him for me. She wasnt happy with him and followed her heart to be with me because she knew she would be happier. Then she started to not communicate with me and saw him again and broke up with me. I spilled my heart for her. and even though it hurt when she broke up with me, I still love her and care for her very much. It seems as if she didnt even want our relationship to work because it was unfamiliar. I believe that (if she is back with him) its because it is familiar to her and easy, rather than dealing with getting over him because its hard. She says she misses him, but all throughout our relationship as a couple, she said nothing but negative things about him. I just want her to open her eyes....

I want her to see that she needs to get over Eric. Being back with him is just going to make her unhappy again. I love her very much and want nothing more than for her to have that right relationship and to be happy, like she was and had with me. I would take her to the outskirts of the city and just sit under the stars with her. I would go out of my way to do these romantic and loving things for her because she means everything to me and I wanted to keep her happy...

I dont know what to do...

If she is back with him again... I dont even know if I can remain a friend to her.

She was dishonest with me throughout our entire relationship, drops me like a dime at the sight of Eric, and all the meanwhile I am doing everything I can to keep our relationship alive and to keep her happy.....

Any advice would be wonderful...

Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 12:06pm
Oh and forgot to mention that Eric ditched her on days/nights when they were to go out so he could work on his car or hang out with his friends. And this occured quite frequently
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 12:16pm

People usually need time and space to get over a breakup before they start dating again. She didn't have that time. She's been basically bouncing back and forth not knowing what she wants, and you're not doing yourself any favors continuing to be part of that.

For the meantime, stop trying to be her friend. If she's with her ex again, you don't want to be the friend who has to listen to the complaining again. That's going to be too hard on you, and the inclination you'd have would be to keep trying to get back with her.

If she comes back and tells you that she wants to be with you again, don't bother. Tell her you're not going to be part of this back and forth and that you don't want any more games. She needs the time and space to get over him and you shouldn't get back with her unless she makes a clean break with him and stays single for some amount of time first so you can be sure she's really over it all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 12:23pm

thank you. thats what everyone else has been saying.

its just so hard. shes my best friend....

i love her so much, ya know?

....i feel like Im losing her in every way. she means everything me. but I cant keep doing this....

she needs time to get over him, not back with him.

again, thank you for your adivce

==========================

damn, sorry forgot to add this in.

It hadnt even been a week and she messages me saying that she doesnt think we will be dating again. I replied that she needs time to herself, to live her life and a week does not cut it. When she said that to me though, it felt like the chair got yanked out from under me....




Edited 11/16/2008 12:47 pm ET by tenro
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 12:43pm

So what do I do from here?

Should I get back out on the dating seen? When I think about that though it makes me sick to my stomach because I still love her so much... kinda makes me feel like i would be cheating on her in a way.....or she would be disappointed or something...

I am working on my insecurities and am facing them head on so that I can be a better person and not the insecure possesive person i was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 2:22pm

You need to move on and not TELL her that it has only been one week - that may just be sufficient time for her to decide what she wants in life. Maybe you dont see it that way..but she might.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 3:25pm

Welcome to the board tenro,


::She broke up with him for me.


If she would do it to him, she will do it to you. And she did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 7:08pm
twinflame is right...she is using you for a safety net and
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 8:31pm

thank you all for your advise and support.

As for the statement about only being one week not sufficient, i didnt mean to make it sound like i was controlling her in that. Was just stating that she SHOULD take more time to think about what she wants.

In any case, thanks again.

this is hard. Shes my best friend and I only want good things for her, and I thought I could provide that to her.... Its going to be hard to not contact her or see her.

As for my issues, I am actually working on them. I had two interviews this past week and both went very well. If I can get one of those jobs (GoDaddy.com or SRP) then that will be one issue I can cross off. School is almost at an end, and soon I can cross that off. The last one is facing my parents. That will be my hardest issue to overcome. But I am working on it, and I will be a better person afterward. Hopefully she will see that..

As for now.... my gut feeling is that she went back to Eric. That she just caved and decided it was easier to be back with him than to get over him. So much do I want to tell her to open her eyes and that she was unhappy with him before and will happen again. As her friend I feel that it is my place to say that to her, but because we were together, I dont think that would be such a bright idea.

...so..

Im just... done. Im not going to contact her or see her. Hopefully she opens her eyes.

Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate it

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 10:25pm

You are doing the right thing by separating yourself from her and the situation. If she doesn't want to see that this is a bad relationship, there is nothing you can do to make her see it. Trying to will only leave you annoyed and frustrated. Your best bet is to focus on healing yourself because there is nothing you can do for her, and there is no point in both of you suffering.

You do need to give yourself time to get over her before you get into another relationship. Otherwise, you would just be doing what she did, jumping from one relationship to the next without giving yourself time to heal. Just take it one day at a time. Things will get easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2008
Sun, 11-16-2008 - 11:29pm

Im trying, I really am.

You know its weird.

Her mom, brother, step dad and I all get along very well, even to this day. They are good people and good company. I dont really see them in person really anymore considering the situation, but over e-mail and facebook we connect rather well. We dont talk about Karisa's and I's relatonship at all. Its mostly about other things such as school, work, cars. Haha.

Id like to keep their friendship.... but I dont want to hurt Kris anymore than what has been dealt and I dont want her to feel like im intruding or just trying to get on their good graces. Should I completely disconnect myself from her family as well? That would suck. =(

Ive known these people just about as long as Ive known Kris..

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