Jelousy ruined my relationship. I need h

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Jelousy ruined my relationship. I need h
10
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 9:18am

Ok so here's the deal...I was/am with this guy for almost 3 years...we were together back in 2003 when I was with another man. We lost touch then back in 2005, I found him again and we started dating. We go to the point that we were saying we were married to each other!! We loved each other so much and we were always faithful to each other.
My problem was that I let my low self esteem issues get in the way of me being happy. He would always tell me how beautiful I was and everything. I know he loved me and whatnot and would never cheat. Back in the end of September of this year, we had to separate due to our roommates not paying their share of the rent and with only 1 days notice, we got evicted. He moved into his mothers, I moved in with a friend and my kids are with their grandmother.

About a month ago, I started logging into HIS emails and other places to read his messages, etc...but there was no reason for me to do that. First of all, it's wrong and second of all, he was not doing anything wrong. But because of my esteem issues, it got the best of me. He is VERY computer smart and he found out about it. He called me up saying I was sick" and "crazy" for doing it. I feel I did it just to be closer to him...if I knew what he was doing, it was like being together physically (at least in my mind).

How can I resolve this issue and get him back? His mother changed the phone number so the only way I have to contact him is through email. For the past 2 days, he has not been on the computer or anything. The other thing is, I am pregnant by him. He knows but he has never told his mother about it.

WHAT CAN I DO TO RESOLVE THIS ISSUE WITH ME AND THE BREAK-UP?? I love him and I know in his heart he still loves me. We were apart before and still found each other. I can only pray that this happens again.

HELP ME!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 10:18am

You can't get him back.
Or I'll phrase that another way... You shouldn't get him back. He's right, what you did was sick. For his own good he should avoid a relationship with you and remain in contact only for your baby's sake, if you intend to keep the baby.

If you really want the best thing for this guy, which is what love really is, you will understand why he had to leave you. He should not get back together with you unless you have made significant strides to change your insecurity through therapy - that takes years, it's not instant, and it's not a tool to win a boyfriend back. Your relationship, which you need to accept is over, is not as important as your self-improvement. I know you don't want to believe that but it's essential that you accept it.

Regardless of whether or not he still loves you, being with you is not good for him right now and he left. Please find a therapist so you can work out your own issues, only after you have made a serious personal achievement do you have any hope of having a healthy, functional, lasting relationship with any guy, if not specifically this one. I wish you luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 10:41am

I understand why he did what he did. and since this happened, i have sought therapy.
The only thing I really hope for (outside of getting back with him) is that we remain friends. We have been through worse than this (not all my fault) so I will have to wait and see.
If we remain friends then he will see the changes that I have made. i have notice a significant change in myself since the therapy.

Thank you for your advise!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 11:02am
Fortunately if you're going to be parents together then you will have contact. Maybe there is a chance, if your therapy goes well, that he will see the changes you make in the future.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 1:10pm

'I feel I did it just to be closer to him...'


No You did it because you are a jelous person. You did it because you are projecting. You have had the capability of cheating so you assume others do to.


You need help or you will sabotage other relationships.


Why are your children living separately from you? Figure out a way to live with them and concentrate on your responsibility- bringing them up in a safe, healthy relationship.


Have you decided what you are going to do about the pregnancy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 1:59pm

Welcome to the board havokskitten,


I've always wished that High School would make counseling be a requirement to deal with self-esteem, insecurity and jealous. I'm ahead of my time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 8:01pm
The only thing you can do is make sure that the two of you stay in contact for the upcoming baby and accept that the relationship is over for now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Wed, 11-19-2008 - 12:52am
My kids and Husband are not with me because we were living with another couple who lied about paying their part of the rent. They kept it from us and we figured everything was ok. We received notice first hand about an eviction 1 day prior to it happening. We could not find anywhere to live or anyone to take us all in on such short notice. So I am with a friend, the kids are with the grandmother and he is with the mother. I am keeping the baby btw because all will be straight with me and the kids after the first of the year.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Wed, 11-19-2008 - 12:53am
Thank you for the reads. I will go down the list and read each and every one!! I thank you for your help with this!! God Bless!
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-19-2008 - 11:12am

Firstly, if you are pregnant by him that creates a completely different set of circumstances. I can understand that he would be upset that you logged into his messages - of course. There never is a reason to do that, no matter how you feel, and somehow you must find a way to convince him that it will never happen again. But whether or not he can get over this, the fact is, he is the father of your child. He has certain legal obligations to the child (for support) whether or not he chooses to resume a relationship with you. One way or another, you need to reach him to discuss the child and what his role will be. You can apologize for your mistake, tell him you love him and it will never happen again...and if he cannot go forward at this time in a relationship because of that, then you must plan a way you both will handle caring for the baby.


If it is possible for you to get some counseling or help with this, it would be very good. There are many factors involved here and you certainly would benefit from professional guidance and on-going support.


All best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 3:43am
Honey, you have no idea how much you are helping me...with just this oneresponse from you, it helped me open up to what I need to do for myself! I really do hope we can keep in touch!