Communication Issue
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| Wed, 11-19-2008 - 12:02pm |
I think I have a communication issue with my boyfriend and I need some advice. I've written on this board before and I think a lot of my past problems have come up because I'm just afraid to talk to my boyfriend about what's really on my mind.
A little background... I met my boyfriend about 2 years ago. We were both just our of serious relationships and we jumped into a relationship with each other too fast. After only a couple months, he left me and got back together with his ex girlfriend to try and work things out. I was devastated to say the least. Now, please try not to judge. He really is a very good person. He felt terrible for putting me through what he did. We had a very long talk about it and we both agreed that we just rushed into our relationship way too fast. He never meant to hurt me, even though he knew he did. He made a point to stress to me that I had done absolutely nothing wrong and that he thought I was amazing. But his past 4 year relationship had a little more foundation than our 2 month fling so he did end up leaving me and tried to work things out with his ex.
Fast forward 2 years. I never stopped thinking about this guy. He was always in the back of my head. We had such a great connection when we were together and a part of me always felt like our time wasn't done. I felt like we had bad timing before but that some day we would have another opportunity. I found myself comparing all my relationships to him and if I wasn't as happy in them as I was when I was with "him" then it wasn't good enough.
I had always hoped and prayed that one day we'd have another chance at our relationship. Well, one day my prayers were answered. He broke up with his girlfriend, took a few months to himself, and then called me. He confessed that he had never stopped thinking about me as well and that he could see himself spending the rest of his life with me. I was overcome with so much happiness and I couldn't believe that I was finally given a chance to try again with him.
Now don't get me wrong. I was hesitant starting a relationship again. I had forgiven him for what he had done 2 years ago, but I never forgot about it. He really did hurt me and that kind of heartbreak is hard to get over. But I knew that it I didn't try, I'd never know if he and I were really meant to be. So today, we're together, almost 7 months now.
Our relationship is perfect except for one thing. Our communication. I find that I am very afraid to be vulnerable with him and tell him how I really feel about things sometimes for fear of "rocking the boat" too much, or fear that he won't receive what I say well, or fear that he'll judge me, criticize me, and accuse me of over reacting, being and "emotional girl" and inevitably leaving me... again. And the fear of losing him again is so great that it hold me back and prevents me from allowing myself to be vulnerable around him. Because of this, I feel like he doesn't allow himself to be very vulnerable with me. I might be crazy, it could all be in my head, but I feel like we both hold back sometimes.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get over my fear of losing him so I can allow myself to open up and be vulnerable and show him the emotional, female side of me that DOES get upset from time to time. I try to save all the "boat rocking" for when there is an issue that is really important and worth talking about. But often times, little things come up that rub me the wrong way and instead of talking to him about them, I bite my tongue and push it away. But I'm starting to get frustrated with myself for feeling like I can't talk to him about the little things... the things that he might perceive as trivial or the things he might think I'm overreacting about. How do I break down my wall and allow myself to be more open and vulnerable with him about how I feel without being terrified that he will see something he doesn't like and leave me again? I think if he were more open with me sometimes, I'd feel more comfortable being open with him. But he's not. I feel like he's just as scared of being vulnerable with me as I am with him. And I'm afraid that because he has hurt me in the past, even though I've forgiven him, I'm afraid my heart still hasn't forgotten it and that's why I'm so scared. I don't know how to talk to him about this without pushing him away. I don't know how he would receive it and I don't want him to think I'm criticizing him, blaming him or holding anything over his head.
I need some advice. How do I let down my walls, let go of my fears, and find a way to communicate with my boyfriend in a way that it will bring us closer together instead of pushing us apart??

ribbit1982, he can't fully love you if he can't fully know you.
Hi there,
I don't want to say that you haven't forgiven him but true forgiveness means that you have dropped the walls and are vulnerable to being hurt again or in other words, opened your heart again to him.
DJbootcamp
Has he expressed why he holds back or what his fears are?
Did he decide to reconcile with the ex due to you expressing little annoyances? Is that why you are fearful of doing so now?
I think that you are correct in realizing that not every little thing needs to be hammered away at. Some little things just have to be gotten used to. For instance, one exhusband of mine needed to constantly vent about traffic - he would work himself up over small delays or if he missed an exit or a turn and I thought it was ridiculous to do that to himself. But, he needed to do that and I just let him do it. He really didnt care if he upset anyone else in the car...this was just who he was.