never told me about his kids until now

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
never told me about his kids until now
15
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 3:32am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 7:15am

Well, after only ten months together mostly long distance and just learning that he has children, I'd definitely say that engagement needs to be pushed off the table for a whiiiiile! This changes things a lot.

Maybe he didn't want to tell you about his kids until things got serious. This doesn't excuse him for not being upfront about it but he did tell you himself rather than hiding it forever. Some people have different ideas of when information needs to come clean I suppose.

If you think you can move past this, and you're willing to eventually accept three children into your life, then no you wouldn't be stupid for staying.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 10:15am

I see no reason why this should be a deal breaker. Yes, of course, it would have been much better if he told you sooner, but he couldn't, he was afraid of losing you. You mean a lot to him and he didn't want to risk it. Take a look at the rest of the relationship. If all is good, if you love him so much and feel he is so right for you, why would you allow one mistake, made out of fear, to break you up? If you are not concerned about the fact that he's supporting them, then I really see no reason why this should come in the way.


Give up your anger and replace it with compassion and understanding. He didn't cheat on you - he didn't overtly lie, he just couldn't tell you about this important part of his life. Of course it's shocking, but he didn't do it to hurt you, but to keep you close to him.


Go forward and be happy,


Best,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 1:22pm
In some aspects its hard to get to know a person fully in a long distant relationship. Considore that maybe he was afraid of you leaving him or not seeing him as "the same man" once he told you that he had children with his ex girlfriend. Its no excuse for him lieing about it but I know that when my boyfriend found out he might have a child he thought that I might look at our relationship/him in a different way or that I may leav him. In other aspects this could also mean that he's secretive or that he may keep things from you in the future. Its up to you how you want to keep your relationship going with this man and you should deffinently not make any marriage plans with him until you get to know the real him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 3:12pm

Wow, that would be a clear dealbreaker for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 3:33pm

Welcome to the board krbrn52,


What reason did he give for not telling you sooner?





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 5:31pm

Personally, I would end the relationship because it was all built on half-truths, at best. Being a father to three children is (should be!) a huge part of his identity, and that he hid it from you for so long means he wasn't really sharing his world/reality with you and intentionally misled you.

Does he have custody of the kids? How often does he see them? Is he paying child support? How old are they?

If he isn't taking care of his kids, both financially and emotionally, then he wouldn't be a person I could respect. (Not that I would respect him anyway for hiding this from me.) Even if I could get over the lie, I personally would not want to marry someone with children because I don't have any yet and am looking for someone in similar circumstances.

At the very least I would not plan on getting engaged to him for a couple of years. You need to give some serious thought as to whether (1) you could trust him again and (2) you are ready to be a step-mom for life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 6:30pm
Withholding info like that for 10 months is something real big, IMO.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 11-20-2008 - 9:20pm
This would be a deal breaker for me. To me this would say that he is ashamed of his kids. He led you along under false pretenses. This is too big to keep secret and would make me wonder what else he could be hiding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2008
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 1:36am

hi dr shoshanna


thank you. it was nice for someone to not attack me and make me look like and idiot. when i read your response it was

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 1:54am

Dr. Shoshana apparently finds no issue with lying

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