I am devistated...please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
I am devistated...please help
5
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 12:00pm

I think i just destroyed the best thing that every happened to me and I don't know how to make it right... Thank you for your help...

Last night I did the most stupid thing I could do, I picked a fight with the love of my life because my life is in such turmoil right now and I thought if I spoke my mind, I would feel better, but I feel worse...Here's the story...

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and we never fight. We have little disagreements, but they always end in laughter and a kiss. I have been so stressed out with every aspect of my life. I am getting laid off of work in January and I have been doing everything I can to be a good worker and make this transition smooth (our office has merged with a huge company and they are closing our office in January when everything is transfered to Illinois). I have a horrible boss that makes me feel like I am stupid and I have reached my limit at work with everything. I have been very ill over the past week with a horrible flu and I have the opposite schedule of my boyfriend (I work 8-5 he works 2-11). When I get sick or if I am having a hard time, I like someone to take care of me or be there, especially him. He has had school from 7-1 and works 2-11 and then goes home for homework and gets about 3 hours of sleep a night. I guess I have been throwing a temper tantrum in my head all week and I started to wonder if I can do this with our schedules. I miss him so much. I just want to be around him. Just knowing he is close, I feel better, but I have had to be very understanding with his schedule being like this until he is done with school. The ironic thing is he was done yesterday for 5 months...

He called me with a happy voice and wanted to celebrate his finishing school and wanted to go out with me. I was a brat and said no and he kept asking me what was wrong and finally I said I just want some time and attention. He said he would be at my house ASAP. He walked in and I just spilled it, pretty much had diharrea of the mouth and let everything I have been thinking and contemplating out. I said I don't know if I can deal with his schedule, and I have no idea what he wants, and he is just so distant. He sat there and couldn't say anything because he wasn't expecting this and had been awake for 20 hours. It started to get heated and I became a drama queen looking for some reassurance or something to make me feel better. He said he is sick of trying to prove himself to me and that I am smothering. WTF? I never call him during the day, I talk to him every night around 11 for about 10 minutes, and I let him ask me if he wants to do something because I know his schedule is grueling and I don't want to add to his stress. I kept getting more and more emotional and he said that because he is a chef he is going to have to travel for 6 months to a year and he doesn't think I will be able to handle that. He said if it is a long time, a year or more, he would ask me to go with him because he wants to share his life with me. He doesn't think he can give me what I need based on what I was saying. Nothing was solved and he said he had to leave because he couldn't even say sentences or think clearly because he was so exhausted and he asked to see me tomorrow.

I feel like I have ruined everything because of my selfishness. Because I wanted attention, threw a fit like a 4 year old and I don't know if this is solvable. He didn't know either. I don't know what to do to make this better and to show him how I really feel and that I don't want to lose him.

This was a huge wake up call and didn't sleep at all last night because I finally realized, schedule or not, he is it for me. It has worked up until last week and I was fine with everything and supporting him in his school, job, daughter, and family. How do I make this right? I don't want to lose him, he is my rock, the voice in my head telling me to do better and go for it. He is my partner and now I violated his trust and blamed him for my insecurities. Please help me on what to do. I am devastated.

Sorry for the length, but I don't know where else to turn.

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 2:23pm

Welcome to the board saracu2005,


Have you apologized to him, say in writing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 2:48pm


I apologized last night towards the end of the conversation when I calmed down a little bit and realized what I had done, but when the situation is that new, I don't think it mattered. He asked to see me tonight, so I plan to apologize in person this evening. I just feel so stupid. I ruined his day of being done with school because I was selfish and was fishing for him to say something nice to make me feel better, when I have to make myself feel better. No one else can do that. I just don't know how to feel better. My emotions got the best of me and all the work I was putting in for myself with my own issues seems to have disappeared and I am back to square one. I want to prove to him that I am here for him, and us and this is the most important thing to me. I just don't know how to do that without overdoing it. Thank you so much for your reply.

S xoxo

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Fri, 11-21-2008 - 8:16pm

I would address his issues - like an adult in a honest conversation and tell him that you not only wish to make up for the fight but you want to make the relationship as good as it can be by addressing his needs and concerns.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sat, 11-22-2008 - 5:41pm

Welcome to the board Sara,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Mon, 11-24-2008 - 10:58am

Thanks for your replay sugarbaby.... I really appreciate it.

Yes, I would be willing to move with him if he asked me. I made the decision a long time ago that he is "it" for me. Everything he does he pushes me to do better and to accomplish the things I want. We are both very introverted and enjoy time by ourselves. I am an only child and so I really value my alone time. I did feel guilty with what I did. I got out of a emotional abusive relationship before I got with my current boyfriend, and I guess the way I deal with confrontation is completely different of what it used to be. My ex broke me down to nothing and I am still working at getting it all back, but I have change completely with relationships now because of that relationship. He said I was smothering him at that moment and it was everyone in this life expecting something from him when he had nothing to give. He said he had 15 minutes everyday after school, work, and everything else and that is when he called me to see how my day was. I was being selfish and wanted attention, but I have a very unrealistic view on how much attention I should receive because i am the only girl and the only child in my family and all I got was attention, but that is not how the real world works. I still have to be independent, and go after what I want in my life. I want to start my life with him and support him along the way as he supports me as well. I am very emotional and sometimes it just spills over and then this happens. Thank so much again for your reply.

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"