Insight PLEASE

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Insight PLEASE
15
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 3:42pm

I am in the process of getting a divorce and I am really confused.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 4:29pm

Inturmoil, no, I don't see him as controlling. But I see you giving mixed signals which could lead to his confusion. You're talking about breaking up with him because it's not right for you at present....yet you still seem to want him on the back burner for later. This isn't fair to him. It's not surprising he's confused and trying to woo you back when you break up.

The guy obviously wants to be with you and it's quite reasonable for him to a) not want to be put on the back burner and b) not have a half-assed relationship. If you can't be with him now, then let him go permanently and block his calls. But if you see a future with him, then stay together.

As far as his behaviour while in the relationship goes (wanting to talk to you when it's not convenient etc)...I think it's more about being clingy and insecure rather than controlling. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me....but nope, it's not control.

Besides all that, a person can only control you if you let them. If he's controlling you, then you share half the blame.

As far as paying for you goes....do you ever pay for his meals? Perhaps if you said "I'll get this one and you pay next time", he'd get the message. If you pay for him sometimes, then it's perfectly reasonable for him to pay other times. However, if you NEVER pay for the both of you, then it's fair of him to ask you to go dutch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 4:35pm

Yes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 5:02pm

If you pay for him all the time, next time he asks to split the bill, tell him it's his shout. And throw in a joke about him being tight. (hoping this translates to US english) Or next time you *could* pay, tell him that you're not paying because he never returns the favour. Time for a little tough love.

He's asking you to fly in and visit him? I bet he's not paying for those flights LOL. Anyway, just say "no" to his insistance. If he sulks, ignore him.

Why he's like this is really not the issue. The issue is about whether or not you want to put up with it. The more you tell me about his clinging behaviour...not to mention that he doesn't ever return a shout... the less attractive he's sounding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 7:14pm
It sounds like he cant give you what you need - whether it be space or lifestyle or control issues - change your phone numbers.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 7:33pm

I just worry I am making a mistake -- we definitely have a connection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 7:59pm

I dont know how you can focus on a relationship with him if you still have ties to another man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 8:35pm

>>Considering what I wrote about his behavior, does it sound like he's worth trying to say "hey, give me 6 months maybe we'll see how it goes?" <<

It doesn't matter how whacko or normal the other person is, one can't expect a partner to wait on the back burner for 6 months. What you are wanting to ask him would be pretty much unacceptable in any relationship.

Stay with him or leave him for good. But don't put him in limbo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 9:19pm

I hear you....but the last time I ended it he said the worst part of what I did,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 11:33pm

Welcome to the board inturmoil2008,


You aren't going to get space until you take it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2008
Fri, 11-28-2008 - 12:29am

1st)

Pages