Long Distance, Complicated Mess! (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Long Distance, Complicated Mess! (long)
2
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 7:36pm

This mess has been a long time coming but here is the quick outline:

My maybe-not-so-DH and I have been married almost 8 years. We are both in the entertainment industry--he is on tour, I am regional. Being apart is nothing new and is not usually a problem (well, except that he cheats if he thinks he can...but that's another problem). Last year I moved from Michigan to Florida to care for my aging parents and for a contract at a regional theatre. My husband went on a national tour which is not expected to close for a few years. Fine so far.

My theatre contract dried up due to budget cuts, but I still have parents to care for. Now I'm down here with a mortgage, aging parents, no regular job and limited prospects for another good theatre job in the near future. My husband has helped with the mortgage a little for the past three months, but says he won't do it anymore since he no longer has any intention of ever living in Florida. (We have a house in Michigan, which is solely in his name.) With my now very limited income, I am living very close to the edge of needing assistance. Meantime, he is enjoying a rather extravagant salary, generous per diem, and is buying lots of toys for himself. So far, he's has a new Goldwing, a Smartcar on order, a Rolex watch, an ultra expensive digital camera, lots of toys and fancy meals out every day. He also has health insurance for himself, but not me.

Now, I've never expected anyone to take care of me, but it's hard not to be a little resentful of the situation. When I asked him for help, he very grudgingly gives me just enough to get by. Maybe he is trying to force me to take a job outside of my industry. He has done that before. He may also be trying to force me to move back to Michigan and ignore my responsibilities to my parents--also a past tactic.

When the tables have been reversed (I have a good contract and he's sitting at home working limited local on-call lists), I have sent him 75% of my paychecks. I did not resent doing it. I took out enough for living expenses, and shared the rest with him. I never suggested that he get a job doing anything but what he loves doing. I've covered him with insurance if I have it, even when the premium for him was twice what it was for me. Thankfully, there are no children involved.

After a couple of days of cooling off, I think we have some progress, at least in my attitude. I have to stay in Florida. My parents will not move to Michigan, even if DH would allow them to move in with me (which he won't), and they are not ready for any facilities, nor would I put them in one (except maybe an Eden Alternative, but only as a very last resort). Two more regular gigs have come through, so there's a little more income. Just a little more and I won't need DH's help, even if he were inclined to give it.

He is touring with a company of 20-30 year olds. He's almost 48. However, he reflects whomever he is around, so he is behaving like a wild 25 year old. When he is around stable, older role models, he is helpful and somewhat thoughtful. It's all in the company and his lack of a strong moral compass. I have never asked for his help before, and he has never helped anyone, so I shouldn't be surprised by his behavior.

He is jealous of my Florida house. It is going to be nice, with a lot of character when I'm done with it. His house is not good and beyond what I can repair. I went three years with no hot water and a leaky roof because he wouldn't get anything fixed. I think he was testing my ability to adapt and accept the situation. DH doesn't want me to have anything too nice, and calls me "spoiled" if I want a good environment. I am most certainly not spoiled and "nice" means carefully considered style, with good quality. It does not mean the most expensive and usually not new. I love finding old pieces to restore or remake. He wants a say in how I finish my house down here--in exactly the opposite of my concept for the space. Maybe withholding financial assistance is his way of forcing me to take his suggestions.

He says he loves me and needs me, etc, etc, etc... And I believe he does, but lacks the maturity to live up to any promises or vows. If I don't expect the behavior of a middle-aged man, I won't be too disappointed when I get an immature party boy. If I expect immaturity, I'll be pleasantly surprised if I get something better.

Any insights here? Kick Peter Pan to the curb? Model good behavior and hope he gets it? I knew what I was in for, so deal with it? Quit being so independent? Entertainment marriages are pretty strange, so I don't expect many to understand that they can work, but they can with communication, thoughtfulness and extremely good cell phone plans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 7:41pm

If I were you,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 11-27-2008 - 11:09pm

Welcome to the board onmycue,


He's a little self-focused, huh?