Disagreement on child-rearing..
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| Sat, 11-29-2008 - 11:56pm |
Hello. Honestly I'm quite a bit frazzled right now, as well as quite a bit frustrated. My partner and I, together for almost three years now, just had a rather heavy argument over our ideals of child-rearing. Having brought our relationship to a much deeper state over the past few months, we have just completed a move to a larger place and when looking around at the home's layout, the topic of children came up. Lo and behold, it seems we have two very different ideals, specifically about whether our future children will share bedrooms or not. I personally want my children to each have their own room. Their own space, retreat, a place to go for themselves when they just need to get away. I see it as a positive thing. It allows for a child's personality to develop, teaches responsibility in taking care of one's personal space, allows for privacy, etc. All that being said, of course if two of my small children wanted to be together in the same room, I would not say no (age and sex appropriate of course). However I believe that it is better to give the child their own space, rather than automatically force them to be with others. I grew up as an only child, and I recall the time when talk arose of a potential sibling for me. I was mortified. I was content and happy by myself, and I know had my parents had a second child and put them in the same room as me, I would have gone crazy. I am just a very private person by nature and tend to not do well when confined in a space in that kind of manner. Didn't even really like sleepovers as a kid. When I'm tired, sad, sick, or just in need of some time and space alone, I want to be ALONE. If I want to cry, think, stretch, dance, or have to burp, fart, sneeze, run to the bathroom, whatever, I don't want to be embarrassed knowing someone is laying in the next bed and can hear or see. And as a child, I was always expected to conform to my parents' beliefs that doing all those things in front of others was just being "normal". Still, as I am, it horrified me, and so I would opt to just keep quiet rather than embarrass myself, and more often than not I would end up making myself sick because there was no place to go to get away, and I would choose to suffer in silence. Too afraid to speak up about what I was feeling, because then I was looked at strange. I just cannot imagine putting my child through the same. And I feel that if I submit to the belief that our children should share a room, I fear for that quiet, timid child who like me, will opt to suffer rather than speak up for fear of being ridiculed because it appears mommy and daddy feel a certain way.
My partner on the other hand grew up sharing a room and believes it to be better for children, stating that it will allow them to create a stronger bond for when we are no longer around anymore. It was also thrown at me in our argument that most children are not like I was and in fact want to have siblings and share a room. As I said, I am not against it if they want to be together in the early years. But I do not believe it should be automatically forced upon them. They don't need to share a room to bond with each other. They can develop bonds just fine with each other during the days and all other times, but when it comes to bedrooms, sleeping and privacy, I feel they should have their own space.
It was also said that having their own room teaches selfishness, as when a child gets too independent and has their own space, they become territorial and eventually do not want anybody to enter into it. My view however is that child becoming fussy about not wanting someone to come in their room is much easier to handle and correct than children potentially exploring and engaging in other inappropriate actions. This stands out in my mind the most, as I spent many years watching the way my young cousins were raised. The whole family was about "love and bonding", this and that, and always had the same arguments as my partner does now. All three children (2 boys, 1 girl) shared a room. This led to many inappropriate things, especially between the youngest boy and girl, and no amount of teaching or correction seemed to make it stop. Of course, it all starts with teaching the difference between right and wrong, but in sharing a room, that just seems to be like pouring gasoline across a dried out grassland in the heat of summer and commanding it not to catch on fire. I point blank, do not want to even enable such a possibility, however remote.
So for lack of having anyone else to run this past, I'm asking everyone here for help. Am I being as cold and loveless as my partner says? It has come to the point where it was said that there will be no children at all, should I have and keep my opinion. I do not want that, however I don't feel I should lay down my beliefs either. I know it is said to choose your battles in a relationship, and if it were any other matter, I would probably back down, or at least seek more of a compromise. However I just do not feel the opposing opinion to be right. I want my children in their own rooms, for my reasons, as I simply feel it is what would be in their best interest. But I am disagreed with, every step of the way, and I truly don't know what to do. I don't want our relationship to suffer because of this, or worse, come to an end. It seems like such a petty argument, and yet I feel it is over such an important issue.
Thank you for reading. I apologize for the length. And I look forward to the responses.
Edited 11/29/2008 11:57 pm ET by casualobserver

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Sharing rooms is something usually done out of necessity rather than deliberately. But you know, children (especially small ones) are not adults and they don't feel the same way you do about privacy. If you had two little boys, do you think they'd be so upset at the idea of farting in one another's presence? I had two brothers who shared a room for a few years and I can guarantee you that neither of them were scarred for life due to lack of privacy.
Whether or not kids share a room doesn't have to be a deal breaker. It does not have to be a big deal at all. You should both lighten up on this, there is no reason kids should live together and no reason that they should not. If you have enough rooms then give them separate rooms, compromise and send them to sleepaway camp - or they'll eventually go to college and learn how to live with other people.
All families have different dynamics and they don't exist that way solely based on whether or not kids share a room. You need to accept that his opinion makes just as much sense as yours does.
If I were you I would sit down and speak to your partner about some real child-rearing issues like how many children you want, daycare, schooling, religion and discipline. See if you are on the same page and decide if the two of you are a good match with regards to raising kids.
Does your partner want a smaller house because of finances??
There are a whole LOT of variables and unknowns in this.
Casualobserver, I think BOTH of you are over the top on this matter.
I've shared with my sister and we've had our own rooms at different stages. Neither of which did me or my sister any damage.
Now that I'm a mother, I know many children...some who share rooms and some who don't. And no matter what the sleeping arrangements, none of them are scarred for life. The majority of kids are generally quite resilient. Provided that they get enough love from mum and dad, they can cope with anything.
The only time I feel it's important to have kids in separate room is if one of the kids frequently wakes crying and disturbs the sleep of the other.
I concur with the poster who said that the two of you need to sit down and discuss your other thoughts on child rearing. If you find that you disagree this strongly on other issues - then both of you need to either seriously chill or never have kids.
Welcome to the board casualobserver,
I agree that sharing a room or not is NOT a child-rearing issues.
I most definitely agree with the others, that the issue of personal rooms is not a child-rearing subject.
Thank you all for the input.
First off, let me say that we do agree on all the other issues: # of children, schooling, religion, etc. We have had a few discussions over discipline styles, which is another area we differ in, (I'm more for clear rules and a firm hand if necessary, vs. the "all-love", never-strike-a-child-no-matter-what-they-do approach) however it never amounted to a full blown argument as the room-sharing did.
Yes, my partner does in fact want a smaller house, though not due to finances. Rather because "it is healthier for the children than a large house." Another area of disagreement in our lives because I want to provide that finer lifestyle for our family, it has always been a goal and dream, and yet my partner automatically associates that with spoiled, unruly children. I cannot say I disagree, as that is more often than not the case, however that is precisely why I have the views and beliefs I do in terms of discipline. But now I'm getting off on a tangent.
It is unfortunate but the more I even talk, the more I feel I'm starting to see that we aren't a good match in terms of children, and probably in terms of some other areas as well. It is sad, because the love is so strong. It just would seem that its environment to grow, now and in the future, is highly unfavorable.
All I can think is, "Now what?"
'the more I feel I'm starting to see that we aren't a good match in terms of children, and probably in terms of some other areas as well. ....All I can think is, "Now what?"
What are your options?
Well, as of tonight, I brought up the discussion in hopes of talking things out and reaching a compromise, but in the end all I was left with was, "I don't care anymore, I don't want any kids with you!", a few more choice words, and then finally, "I don't even want to be with you!" So in essence it looks like the decision might already be made for me. I just feel it is a shame because despite our differences, the relationship is an amazing one, though I know it probably doesn't sound as such based on my posts. :S
My partner's argument consisted of beliefs that a large house with children having their own rooms means that everyone will grow separately and become estranged from the family unit. I tried to explain that I simply want each child to have their own bit of privacy at bedtime, or for a time that they just need to seek some secluded quiet. I am not looking to lock everyone away from each other. I also explained that if there were two children who in fact wanted to stay together, of course I am not going to say no. Parenting is parenting, and children can each have their own space and still be raised with morals and manners. Family time is family time, and for most of the day they will either be with us or each other, playing, studying, sharing meals, etc. Essentially, a big house is no different than a small house when the whole family is in one room sharing an activity. There are just more rooms to be together in. But when it comes to bedrooms, I think it will teach them to respect each others spaces and the personal spaces of others, as well as how to share and allow others into it as well.
I just don't get why or how own rooms translates to antisocial, separate children. Sure, if they all get stuffed into rooms and left to themselves, I can easily see problems brewing. But let's not forget about the core of parenting. Teaching rules and morals and what is acceptable, respect, and right vs. wrong. I'm not looking to use a bedroom as a stand-in for being a parent, not at all. I want to be involved, of course. I'm just so lost on the connection being drawn by my partner that somehow it would be bad for them each to have their own haven.
>>I'm just so lost on the connection being drawn by my partner that somehow it would be bad for them each to have their own haven.<<
Just as he's lost on the connection being drawn by you that somehow it would be bad for them to share a room.
Each of you is as stubborn as the other.
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