the ex...how much is too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
the ex...how much is too much?
8
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 4:18pm


Hello Everyone,

I have a LDR with a man who is in his final stages of separation so
they can file for divorce in April.
He is great and we are as close as possible considering 3000 miles that
separate us.
Here's my problem...he is still very good friends with the ex and they talk almost
daily. I just got off the phone from him and he mentioned that on his way to
Home Depot he called her to see if she needed anything. She needs curtain rods
and he's going to pick them up and then help her install them.
Now I know for a fact there is nothing sexual (the reason for the split) but where
does one draw the line to being friends with the ex. I try and be as open and
understanding (for the most part I am) but every so often when he mentions her
in some manner it just makes me uncomfortable.
So please I would love to hear some input on how much "ex" is too much?
How much understanding is one suppose to have?
Thanks so much,
FM08

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 4:29pm

Welcome to the board foundme08,


Do they have kids together?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 5:40pm

First of all thanks for the quick response....it's just been eating at me. :)

In all fairness he is always very open with me whenever he sees her,
not so much talking but I do know they talk often if not every day.
No children involved, they were married about 15 years of which there was
a huge sexual disconnect but he tried his best. Throughout it all they still
have much in common as friends and now that they are no longer living together
and planning on divorcing, they both say they is no "dark cloud" hanging over them
and they are able to enjoy their friendship even more now. They have a lot in common,
have the same sense of humor and are intellectually on the same wave length. He says
he loves her and always will but the sexual disconnect was very bad and he wasn't
willing to continue with a marriage like that. But he has often said, in a very serious tone...that he was committed 100% to her and the marriage and though it ended... what he has with her will always be (friendship).
The thing is I get a lot of the friendship thing...to a point that is. I don't think
he feels any bit of guilt or responsible for her...she is fine he always says. And I
tend to believe him...he is a very honest and forthright person. No game playing at all.
The funny thing is his ex once said to him "Good luck finding someone who puts up with
your R with your ex." And he was like if they can't deal with it then it won't happen.
I felt...sure I can handle a friendship between the two. But now I find myself thinking
"What the heck, they talk so much ...like best friends...it really bothers me"
I have come forward and talked to him and he is patient and understanding....but it
doesn't nor will it change the relationship they have. He doesn't want me to feel bad
but what can he do. He's not doing anything really wrong. He has mentioned how sharp
she is and her outlook on life is interesting and he has always been drawn to that high-
level of intellect. Maybe I'm just feeling "can I compete?"
Of course if I lived in the same town it might be different....but she would still
probably talk to him every day.
Again, how much understanding is the current g/f suppose to have in regards to the ex
spouse/g/f?
One extra note....I am D and talk to my kids' dad ALL the time and see him constantly
and feel nothing weird about it. But it's for the kids and I doubt we would be friends
and chat otherwise.
Thanks for listening.
Fm08

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 6:00pm

::they talk so much ...like best friends...it really bothers me"


I can understand that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 6:10pm
At the present time I am here in California...my daughter is in her
senior year of high school...so no immediate plans involving moving to his
hometown in Maryland. It's possible but not imminent.
I know he has said he has decided to accept this and is trying to deal with it
the best he can without making me feel bad for my choices.
He would like me to visit more often, as I would too, but it's hard with a job
to consider.
I trust that he is honest with me and we are both trying to make the best of a
rather difficult situation.
Like I said it's just sometimes when he mentions her and when it usually involves
picking something up at Home Depot for her (he specially called her today to see if she needed anything ugh!) or going by and feeding the cat (she comes
and feeds his cat too when he is out of town)that I can't help but think a little
too close for comfort.
I guess I needed to vent though I'm still curious if anyone else has had/or is having
a similar situation and what they think.
Thanks so much for your input Carrie.
FM 08

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 9:31pm

Not yet filed for divorce = still married.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 1:03pm

In many cases ex's remain friends. This is especially good if there are children involved. The friendship can vary from just good feelings for one another to actually spending significant time together. Each individual has to decide how much of this they can tolerate in their relationship with this kind of divorced person. For some, there's no problem. For others, every contact their partner has with an ex is too much.


The most important point is that if you feel truly secure and loved in the relationship, you will not feel threatened if your partner still maintains a relationship that is friendly with the ex. If you do not feel you have enough love from your partner, or that he/she is split, between you and the ex, that is something else.


It sounds to me as though your partner is kind and considerate and he is treating his ex in that way. These are good qualities for a man to have in a relationship. It's up to you to decide what kind of boundaries work for you.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 3:06pm

Dr Shoshanna,

Thank you for your advice and I take it greatly to heart.
He is a very considerate and kind man and I know it is from
this that he reaches out and continues to have a friendly R
with his ex.

<<>>

This is it in a nut shell and I do feel very secure and loved and I think what
I happen to experience is a moment of insecurity b/c of our distance. I talked
this out with him last night and again he is understanding and helped thru this
insecure moment, as he has always tried I might add.

It felt good though, to vent and to receive feedback from this board and I wholeheartedly
thank all those you responded.

This is the most honest, open and loving relationship I have ever had and I want
to give it my best.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 3:16pm

Starbuck70,

No I am definitely NOT having an affair. He has been separated from his wife for almost
a year and the reason they have not filed is because of his states laws regarding
divorce: they must be separated and living apart for a years time. Their R was rocky
at best and they have been contemplating the divorce for a long time. We are taking
our R slowly too.

I grant you the 3000 miles distance doesn't help OUR R, but I know him very well
and we talk about out situation constantly.

I'm leaving Wednesday morning to go visit him and attend his work's Christmas party
and I'm sure we'll use this time together to really talk about us as well.

Thanks for your concern though...I can see how our R might sound iffy at best to
others reading my post. With the exception of me "freaking" a little about his
friendship with his soon-to0br ex wife, this is the healthiest (as far as honesty
and openness and maturity) that I have ever had. And I do think about what is best for
me but it's always good to have a reality check from others.

Thanks. :)