Can this be fixed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2008
Can this be fixed?
5
Wed, 12-03-2008 - 3:14pm
Hi Ladies,
I'm new here. I'm very concerned about my husband and marriage. I take blame for a lot of fighting because I get very angry and intense, but he tends to start a lot of issues too. I can't exactly let things roll off my back and he can't accept that he should nor hurt my feelings whenever he chooses.
My husband has always been very close to his family. He lived at home until he was in his late 20's. He always hung out with their friends, barely his own, they would cook for him, clean for him, provide good ol' unconditional love, they never said a negative if he showed up two hours late, didn't help, etc. Anyway, I always criticized that lifestyle. I thought it was abnormal. I couldn't imagine choosing to hang with my parents over my good friends (all the time). I basically would force him to tear away from them. He was always very loving to me (although selfish because his needs came first), so this whole situation was confusing towards me. Anyway, I encouraged him to move out, so his dad told him that in order to move out he should live with me and he shouldn't live with someone unless engaged, so we got engaged. I basically felt this was very wrong and fought with him about whether he wanted to marry me or if it was his dad's coercion. No matter how much we argued he never said outright that he didn't want to be with me.
Anyway, we moved to one apartment in a suburban area and told me he was miserable and needed to be in the city, so two and half years later, we moved to city. I'm happy either way, but he mistreated me a lot, saying he hated his life. Well, we are in the city. He sees his parents now at a normal rate of once or twice per month. Then, yesterday we got into a huge fight and he told me he got married too young and feels that he is missing out on time with his parents. Yes, I know this sounds NUTS. I honestly think he is just never happy. He feels that he should be rich right now and instead makes a middle class salary. He is angry because my salary is lower than it should be too. He really scared me so much because beyond all this garbage, we have a nice life together. He's been to two therapists, who apparently didn't help much. I've talked to his parents about their controlling nature and they seemed to back off somewhat.
Sorry, this is alot. I just need real advice. I do not want a divorce. I love my husband very much. He just seems to always have a reason to be miserable.
Kerri*
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 12:38pm

Welcome to the board kerrianne2008,


Did your husband mention wanting to get divorced?


From the way you mentioned things you said that his parents were controlling, but really it sounds like you are the one that is controlling him. (sorry this is just my opinion). I say this because you said that you told him he needs to spend less time with his parents and that you also talked to his parents about seeing him less. It almost seems like you are threatened by them or something. My DH can sometimes see his parents fairly often, but it doesn't bother me at all. I think it is good to have a good relationship with your parents. I certainly hope that when my daugther grows up that she wants to see me more than once or twice a month.


You mentioned that your husband has been to counseling, but have you been to marriage counseling together? If not, maybe that should be your next step.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 4:37pm

Welcome to the board kerrianne2008,


Is marriage counseling an option?


What are you doing to work on your anger?


::Anyway, I encouraged him to move out, so his dad told him that in order to move out he should live with me and he shouldn't live with someone unless engaged, so we got engaged. I basically felt this was very wrong and fought with him about whether he wanted to marry me or if it was his dad's coercion.


You didn't have to agree to the engagement.


Nothing he does makes you happy, why are you with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2008
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 9:15am

Sounds like you are wanting to change (fix) him.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 9:42am

When an individual is miserable, there's nothing at all anyone else can do to make them happy. They have inner, personal issues that they have to face and work out. There are many therapists, and jut because two were right for him doesn't mean he should stop looking. It sometimes takes time to find the right therapist, (like the right husband), but once you do, things can fall into place.


As for you, there is no reason to be mistreated because someone else is unhappy. You have to decide what your life is about, what matters to you and what your boundaries are. Don't let him put his upset onto you, or blame you for it. It's easy to blame all kinds of external conditions for what is going on inside. Fill your life with good friends, activities you enjoy and work on staying positive and constructive. If he is too depressing and diffciult, then perhaps you too would benefit from finding a good therapist and working on how to handle the situation in a most healthy way.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2008
Fri, 12-05-2008 - 1:06pm

Hi Shoshanna,
Thank you for the advice.

To all the other girls- I know it sounds like I am controlling him, but I never wanted him to stop seeing his parents. I want them to have a close relationship, which they do. I just got sick of them pushing their needs onto him.

Also, another problem: I will always say "why don't you see your parents without me" and he says I have to come. Apparently the only reason why he would always push me to go with him is because his dad said he does not want to see him unless I'm there. I find that extremely unfair to me and him. It causes a greater rift because then if I don't go he can't see his parents and once again I am the enemy.