The ex factor

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2008
The ex factor
4
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 10:33am

Am I supposed to be cool with my boyfriends ex? If he were to tell me he was best friends with an ex girlfriend, am I supposed to be totally OK with that and not feel any twinge of anxiety? I'm sure the mature route is to say yes. But I can't help but think that if one of my boyfriends ex's were still a part of his life, that I might have a problem with that.

This issue arose when my boyfriend decided he'd be spending Christmas with my family. I am very close with my ex boyfriend from high school. We dated for 2 years. But that was almost 10 years ago. Now we have a strictly plutonic relationship and I don't ever look at him and think of him as an ex. He's a friend. Period. But I know that that may be a little unconventional and I can understand why that might make my current boyfriend uncomfortable. So I talked to my boyfriend about it to see where he stands on the subject and he was surprisingly cool with it. He said he in no way would feel uncomfortable with me being friends with my ex from high school and he wouldn't be uncomfortable if we all hung out. I was pleasantly surprised. But I couldn't help but think that if the rolls were reversed and I was in his position, I don't think I'd be as cool with the ex factor. And that bothers me.

So my question comes from wondering if its normal to be uncomfortable if your significant other is close with an ex or if we're always supposed to be cool with it and not have any issues with the ex? As long as they really are truly just friends, is the mature route to be OK with that? I'm glad my boyfriend is OK with me being friends with my ex and I know it sounds like a double standard if I were to say I'd feel uncomfortable if he were that close with one of his ex's... but I'm afraid I wouldn't handle it as well as he is. Does that make him a better person than me? And should I prepare myself to be cool with any of his ex's that might pop up in the future since he seems to be so cool with mine? Bottom line, are we obligated to allow our significant others to maintain friendships with their ex's? Or is it normal to feel uncomfortable in that situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: ribbit1982
Wed, 12-10-2008 - 12:21pm

Hi ribbit1982,


I think it depends on how the relationship is presented and what behaviors you notice. For example, my ex was friends with a previous relationship involving sex (I make this point for a reason).

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2007
In reply to: ribbit1982
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 4:07pm

Sounds like he might be a better person than you.

I doubt he's 100% OK with the situation but he's being a grown-up. He's willing to wait to judge until he's got more information. You, on the other hand, are judging imaginary situations with imaginary ex's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: ribbit1982
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 11:10pm

Feelings aren't necessarily good or bad; they just ARE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
In reply to: ribbit1982
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 10:02am

Well, it probably means he is more emotionally secure/mature than you. You can't hold people to a higher standard than you hold yourself, if you think being friends with an ex is bothersome, then why LOGICALLY should he get a different standard than you do?

ribbit you can feel whatever you want because your feelings belong to you and you don't have to justify or explain them to anyone else. But when your feelings are affecting the way you act and perceive reality, then you need to take a closer look at why you feel the way you do and whether or not it makes sense in the real world. For example, look at why you feel threatened by someone who is possibly in the exact same role to him as your ex is to you.

"Bottom line, are we obligated to allow our significant others to maintain friendships with their ex's?"
You have no ability to force or allow him to do anything, he's an individual who makes his own rules for his own life. What you get to decide is whether or not his life, including his friends and family, fit into YOUR life. The minute you start creating rules for the person you love, you put a death sentence on your relationship. If you honestly don't think he's trustworthy enough to have an appropriate friendship with his ex, then you shouldn't think he's trustworthy enough to be a person who shares emotional and physical intimacy with you.

PS: it's "platonic" not "plutonic" as it has nothing to do with Pluto lol that is cute :)