Is it me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2008
Is it me?
6
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 1:18pm

I'd really like some outside advice on this. This is my first "real" relationship so I just need some "benchmarks" on how

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: gorzie17
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 3:43pm

>>I know, I know... ditch the loser....<<

Gorzie, the guy isn't a 'loser' as you suggest. It's just that the two of you have different expectations of a relationship. You want the relationship to progress and he wants something very casual. The most important thing in a relationship is having similar goals and ideals...but the two of you don't have this.

>It's normal for a guy who "says" he's in love with you to rather spend the night with you than alone<

Yes and no. It's normal to want to be with a parter and it's normal to need some time out. However, how much of each varies person to person. Again, it's about finding a partner who's needs are compatible with yours.

>>To call you on Valentine's Day even though you said it's not a big deal?<<

This one is expecting too much of him. If you've said it's not a big deal, he'll believe you. Valentines doesn't mean anything to men. If you want a phone call or Valenties recognition, don't tell a guy that the day isn't a big deal.

>>But is that worth someone who never brought you flowers, says you are pretty<<

Not all girls need this to feel valued and loved. I don't get flowers or compliments from my husband, but his actions and words tell me that he adores me.

>>never tries to kiss you<<

The lack of sex IS a problem and red flag. I'm thinking that he's not terribly attracted to you anymore.

>>and doesn't want to discuss the future <<

This depends on a guy's age. (you haven't said how old he is) One would expect a 30yo to discuss the future, but not a 20yo.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2008
In reply to: gorzie17
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 4:19pm

I've been analyzing this till the cows come home. I feel like he just has no passion for me or for life whatsoever. He is 32 years old and I am 28. I don't expect "i love you's" all the time, especially if he showed me he cared in other ways. Which he doesn't at all. I'm not high maintainence or clingy. I go out with my friends all the time and he sometimes does or he stays home alone. That's also totally fine. I think the combination of everything just makes me super frustrated and say things like he's a loser. Because I don't think that, but it's like he feels nothing for me and I'm not sure why he wanted to get back together again in the first place. When we have sex it is really good, and it used to be all the time up untill a few months ago.


When I say things like "babe, just tell me what's wrong and I'll help us work it out." Or "It makes me feel really hurt that you won't sleep here." He says I'm ridiculous and it usually blows up into this huge argument.


If he made an effort to make me feel loved, or have sex, or other things I could get over that he didn't say I love you, or spend the night, or etc. But when it seems like he won't do anything for me unless it is good for him, it's easy to get upset over everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
In reply to: gorzie17
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 4:50pm

You are making a few mistakes here;


1) Trying to find out how 'most guys' are. How about looking at THIS guy and how he affects you. He wants to date you when he wants to date you. He wants to sleep with you when he wants and he wants you more when you don't want him. He isn't consciously playing games but you have to be the one to SEE him how he is; a guy who wants to date with no commitment.


2)Analyzing him until the cows come home. Stop it. You know how he is and what he wants. If you don't then read your own post.


3)Hoping he will change He won't for now. It isn't bad it isn't good. It just is.


4) Taking him back and assuming you will have a real relationship. You can't change him. If you want a boyfriend then find someone else. People can not get back together and make it work unless there has been some real proactive change and both members of the couple want the same things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: gorzie17
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 4:58pm

Welcome to the board gorzie17,


This says it all: (he said he doesn't know when he'll be ready to settle down.).


How long are you willing to wait? How long are you going to be upset that the two of you aren't on the same page, that you can't make him want the same things you want?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
In reply to: gorzie17
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 9:20pm
Gorzie, there's nothing to analyse. He is who he is..... and no amount of communication is going to change him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2008
In reply to: gorzie17
Thu, 12-11-2008 - 10:59pm

"He's showing you and telling you who he is and you aren't hearing him or believing him.."


You are totally right, and I guess I never looked at it directly like that. Or I guess I have known and I didn't believe him because I didn't WANT to believe him. And I should have ended it as soon as I realized neither of us was going to change.


I'm a pretty confident person with myself, so I guess I thought "why wouldn't he love me?" But it's not about that.


Thanks to everyone for your comments. I've got a warm cat and a new gym membership to keep me going :)


Happy Holidays!