bf being distant...any tips?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
bf being distant...any tips?
5
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 11:27am

Hey everyone....I just needed a little help because I feel like I am about to lose my mind...


I have been with my bf for a year and a half and over the past few weeks, he has become kinda distant. I don't know if you guys saw my post about my unecessary outburst about three weeks ago, but it all seemed to change after that happened. I was really frustrated with things because I hadn't seen my bf in a while because he had school from 7am-1 and work 2-11pm then went home for homework for a few hours and got about 3 hours a sleep everynight. I lost it and he thought I was breaking up with him, which wasn't the case at all, I was just frustrated and wanted some attention. The week of Thanksgiving was great, we got to spend a lot of time together because i didn't have to work, he came and met most of my family (I don't see my mom's side very often) and it was genuinely a good day and I felt so in heaven because we were happy and he made every effort to see my family and I his. Then, it just seemed he got distant. He is quiet and not as affectionate. Now he is not in school, so we have gotten to see each other a little more, but usually by the time he gets off work, I am usually in bed because I work from 8-4:30pm. So, we only really see each other on his days off during the week, about 2-3 days and then the weekends. I can just feel the desperation boiling inside me because he is getting distant. I am 26 and he is 27. For instance, I didn't have to work yesterday because some construction workers cut the power line to our office and we had no power, so we couldn't do any work at all. My bf had the day off and we slept in. We got up and it just seemed like he didn't want me there. He said he had to clean his house and do some Xmas shopping and go to his parents house for dinner. Usually he tells me I don't have to go and does his thing, but he acted like he didn't want me there. I always go with him to his parents house for dinner with him, but I wasn't invited. He went to his parents house for about an hour last night and I was just so upset. He did come over after he was done and hung out with me for a few hours, but then he went home because him and his roomate has two dogs and he has to let them out and be there for him. I am starting to think that is an excuse so he doesnt' have to stay at my house. I am starting to sabotage everything that has been good in my head and I am starting to freak out.


I am afraid to bring this up because last time I did (my outburst), it didn't go well and he thought I was breaking up with him and he really thought he couldn't give me what I needed and he was so worried. I don't want to fight again and make him think I am complaining. I was acting like a 5 year old in my outburst and I really don't want to do that again. I take full responsibility for that and I really want to fix things. I am on a emotional roller coster, because I am going through treatment for severe endometriosis at 26, so they have shocked my body into menopause for 6 months to supress my overies (I got three different doctor's opinions on this and they said for someone my age, this could increase my chances to have a baby). I feel like I am losing control and how do I make this better??


It might not be me at all. I am going on a cruise for Christmas and I invited him to go, but he said no because he wanted to be with his daughter for Christmas, and I completely understand and he is such a good dad because of that. Well, come to find out, he may not get her for Christmas at all and he is really upset because he gave up this trip for his little girl and the mom is being really difficult and not wanting him to have her. It could be so many things, but I always think it is me. Can anyone slap some sense into me?? Sorry for the length, but you guys always help me out a lot. I just feel like I am

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 12:03pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 12:12pm
It sounds like you are under a lot of stress with your health issues and that it is really taking its toll on your. I do think that talking to your bf about what is bothering you though is a good thing. You just need to do it before you get to the point that you did last night and it all comes out in one big outburts. That will only make things worse. If you are really worried about talking to him, than try to write everything out in a letter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 12:14pm

This is not working. You can not have a healthy relationship without communication and right now you are boiling inside instead of talking to your boyfriend about what is going on. You two can not go on and be afraid to talk about your feelings.


Let him know that you want to have a talk about all of this stress and how it is affecting you.


I think you are afraid to bring things up because you think he may leave. You have to figure things out now.


'We got up and it just seemed like he didn't want me there. '


Maybe that is because he already had plans and when you didn't go to work it through him off. Maybe he went Xmas shopping for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 12:23pm

Thanks for the reply Gina, and you are right...


I am afraid to bring things up because he will leave. It' s been a year and a half and I am still afraid of that. He broke up with me 5 years ago for something completely different that we have fixed and I am still scared. I did ask him if anything was wrong because he was being a little distant and he said nothing was wrong, just a little burnt out. I keep thinking it is me. Do you think our relationship can be saved?? xoxo

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 12-12-2008 - 3:45pm