A life or my husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
A life or my husband?
5
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 1:18pm

I am at a loss for what to do.


I have been married to my highschool boyfriend for almost 10 years. We have been together for almost 12. We have 3 kids. 10,8,&5.
I don't think our marriage has ever been really "great" but it never made me think of life outside my husband.


When we had our first, I stayed at home, with our second, I stayed at home. I did go back to work part time for a short period, but once pregnant with our 3rd, I was sick and could not work.


During all this child raising, I did not have many friends. For the most part, I had only one friend, and there was a few years when we weren't talking. I did rely on my husband for everything. He told me more than once he didn't like going out with me because I am no fun. Or that I embarrass him.


Over the last couple of years, I have gotten out more, started playing in a sand vb league...and made some new..GREAT..friends. He does not like any of these friends. The team is coed, and he doesn't think I should be interacting with males. I have not been with any of these guys on a one on one basis...its always hanging out in group settings. He knows this, he also knows these people as they went to his highschool.


I lie to him all the time, because he makes telling him the truth impossible. Then there are times when he got so mad that he actually came at me to choke me.


He is a great guy to all his friends and family. Although with me and the kids he is distant and unavailable.


All he wants is sex. He spouts off left and right demanding to be respected.


He says that in the beginning of our relationship(at 17) he allowed me to walk all over him...I don't totally agree, I am just a strong minded person...but now he says he is trying to fix that. He also told me he has been trying to turn me into something he doesn't think I can be.


I love him so much and want to be happy. I just don't know if I can give up having a life to be his lil wifey.


One of the guys in my group of friends is so nice..and now I think I am mistaking a man being nice to me for something more. I think about this guy all the time. The few times I have let my mind wander...I don't get too far without then picking this guy apart...holding the pieces up in comparison to my husband. I don't think I really want to be with someone else...but maybe its because I don't know anything but my husband.


I am at a horrible place in my life and I have idea what can happen to save me.


We have done counseling, but my husband will not waiver on his views at all!


Please help. I am sorry I have rambled.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 2:05pm

Reading your post I was hoping you would make the right decision for your children because nothing is more important in your life than your children BUT then you mentioned that he came at you to choke you and all bets were off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 4:45pm

I should re-phrase....that he did come at me to choke me...not actually choking me..


Either way, not long after I posted we have come to terms with seperation.


Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 7:29pm
You might search the Web for "signs that your mate will become violent" or something like that, as jealousy of the mate's other friends is high on the list. You do not need to get involved with another man to leave one who is not kind and loving. And keep in mind that children never benefit from living with a mom and dad who are unhappy and unloving. Trust your feelings. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 8:20pm

'Then there are times when he got so mad that he actually came at me to choke me'


You don't need to say anymore. You ahve a responsibility to raise your children in a safe, healthy way. Leave. Bring your kids to live with some other family or friends for a while until you get your feet on the ground.


How can you continue to keep them in the house?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 2:30pm

Welcome to the board olfunkydress,


Now that you have agreed on a separation, I hope life gets easier for you.