Can't get past his former relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Can't get past his former relationship
5
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 5:23pm

Hello, I-Villagers:

I'd really appreciate your feedback about my current situation. After being single for a *long* time, about 3 months ago I started seeing a guy who is as close to a soul mate as I've ever experienced. I won't list all the things that are great about him and our connection. After only a few weeks he more or less moved into my house, which has, truthfully, been largely wonderful--easy, natural, fun, comforting, affectionate...

The problem? His past. In his twenties, he married his pregnant girlfriend and stayed with her for about 20 years, a marriage he describes as mostly miserable. Shortly after they separated, he promptly got involved with a separated woman 14 years his junior and lived with her for like 3 years (I just found out about the cohabitation part although he claims he'd told me), a relationship he also has nothing nice to say about. Both women, according to his family, his friends, and himself, were nasty and ungrateful and took advantage of both his kindness and his earnings. He now has money problems, largely due to how he indulged these women.

I just can't relate. I've never been married. When I've been involved in a relationship that wasn't working, I'd end it. And I have very strong feelings against married people hooking up, "separated" or not and equally strong feelings about the necessity of taking time between long-term relationships.

He's told me up, down, and sideways that he's learned and changed a lot in the year and a half since the last woman moved out (during which, yes, he dated a few others), and that he's never felt about his ex-wife, girlfriend, or anyone else the way he feels about me. His family and friends have told me he's never been so happy.

But I can't get past his past. I know that rather than judge his decisions I need to focus on how his past affects me, but I just can't put it into words except "ick." I recently asked him to leave my house until I had a better sense of what was bothering me. He's hurt that I'm "holding his past mistakes" against him.

I'm stuck. I know his past relationships shouldn't be a reason to reject him, but I seem to have enormous emotions about them and, as someone else posted on this board recently, I can't seem to let it go. I'd truly appreciate anyone's feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 5:30pm

How in the world can his past affect you when he didn't know you at all nor were you involved at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 8:30pm
I don't think this is so much about his past as about the fact that you moved in with him without knowing enough about him. This is just one thing you are learning. What else is to come? I think you are also afraid that there will be a money issue between you two.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Tue, 12-16-2008 - 9:42pm
Great points. Actually, he recently rented his condo to help his financial situation and moved in with his mother (yeah, I know that sounds weird). Anyway, backing up and going back to "dating" for a while is probably a good idea. Thanks much.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 11:54am

If you have problems about his past relationships, they're your problems, not his, and it's up to you to work them out. Everyone makes mistakes and goes through difficult times. If you can't be understanding and forgiving of that, how can you ever be in a relationship with anyone? Basically, by judging him so much and not allowing the past to be in the past, you are making sure that you will still remain alone. Perhaps you are the one who is afraid of intimacy and of having happiness and love? Unless there is something that is going on now, in your relationship with him that is painful and difficult, there is no reason at all to reject him and blame him for the lessons he had to learn. If I were you, I'd see a therapist to understand why I couldn't allow myself to have the happiness I've always wanted.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 2:45pm

Welcome to the board esss,


I don't think you never having been married has anything to do with why you don't get it.