IS it only me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
IS it only me?
8
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 5:59pm

Hi,


First time poster on this board. I am getting to a point in my relationship where I can see me disengaging and I want to save this before it gets worse and ends.


My husband and I just celebrated (I use that term loosely) our 3rd anniversary. We have 4 children. 2 together and I have


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2008
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 7:17pm

It is not only you.....


I had this exact same problem when I was with my ex. I believe a ton of men have this problem. They want the woman to do everything and we do for a while without complaining but then we realize we are doing everything and by that time we are pissed off. I realized he was just another person to take care of so, I had to let him go. Your situation is different because you have a few sweet babies to think of, I have one baby of my own. I think this is a common problem but one to which I have no solution. I hope for his sake he will see that it took two to make a baby and now it takes two to raise one. I just hope you don't decide to walk before he sees it. Maybe you should have him read this message board. Best Wishes....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 12-17-2008 - 8:56pm

Welcome to the board mommyto2_99,


When you need or want something done in the moment, do you ask every time? Or do you just expect him to know what needs to be done and do it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 4:29am

You need to understand what ADHD is in order to help him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2008
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 5:47am
Many time we are told relationships and marriages are 50/50. But that isn't the case at all. Sometimes they are 90/10 some days they are 30/70. When you took your vows you said for better or for worse. Unless you threw in there "for better or for worse as long as you help with laundry, kids, bills, cleaning, cooking, etc." Men can't read our minds any more than we can read theirs. Alot of times we just expect them to know what we want or need. And then we figure if we tell them once we will get it. But that isn't how it works. When you are feeling overwhelmed, just go up to him and calmly and sweetly say "honey, i could really use your help doing ___________. Having dealt with ADHD in both kids and adults, when you yourself are feeling overwhelmed you need to be very specific about what you need help with. Don't just expect him to know what exactly you want when you say "I need help taking care of the kids". Don't get confrontational or defensive when you are talking to him. Make and take the time to fully learn about your husband's ADHD. Not just about ADHD in general but about your husband's ADHD and what he goes through on a daily basis. IMO Patience and understanding are the key here. Hope this helped a little.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
Thu, 12-18-2008 - 12:00pm

Thanks GUYS! All of you had wonderful suggestions.


I am very clear about what I need in the moment and ahead of time. I always ask things like: "honey do you think you could handle the baby while I vaccuum?" Or " babe, I need the toilets cleaned and it doesn't seem like I am going to have time to get to it, can you do that real quick for me?" I always get a yes. I always get the, I am working on getting to that. But it never actually gets done. He will also get


 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2005
Fri, 12-19-2008 - 5:01pm

<

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 4:17pm

Your number one issue is to get him to realize how serious this situation is, that it is not fair and that by placing so much extra, unequal burden on you, he is seriously endangering the relationship. Tell him that you want to see a marriage counselor together and that it is extremely important for him to go. All of his good wishes are not creating any difference in his behavior and you need some professional help to work this out. ADHD or not, he can do certain tasks. This is not an excuse. He goes to work and does what is required of him. He cannot come home and be a child, playing games, turning you into the mother of all.


If he absolutely refuses to go to counseling with you, find someone and go yourself to get help with this difficult situation.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Sat, 12-20-2008 - 5:27pm
I don't know... I hope the others' suggestions help, I'm sure they will. I have lived with two men before; one could never be arsed to help with anything. But the man I've been with now for four years, living together with for one and a half, will literally take dishes out of my hands and start doing them himself. I think it's just the man, how he grew up and whether he has a nurturing personality. I think his ADHD has a lot to do with it, I grew up with a brother who had ADHD and any time my mother asked him to do something, it went in one ear and out the other. I think he felt badly but he NEVER remembered to do it. Maybe if you used humor you'd get a better and more memorable response. :)