Marriage Breakup
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Marriage Breakup
| Thu, 12-18-2008 - 8:04am |
I've been married for over 3 years now. My wife's 30 and I'm 33 years old. I really love my wife. But I haven't been totally honest with her. I've never cheated on her. I would never sleep with others. But I've been talking with other women on various topics. Sometimes the conversations involved intimacy. Last night, my wife and I had a depressing conversation. She told me that she had found out everything about my conversations with other women. My intention was never to hurt her or cheat on her. I basically never understood why I talked with them. Naturally, the conversations hurt her. Now, I'm so depressed. She wants to leave me. I don't ever want her to leave me. She told me that it was it. She said, "We don't love each other. If you truly loved me then you wouldn't talk to other women. You're looking for something else. You don't respect me. And I don't believe in you. I completely lost my trust in you." Later, I told her that I'd do everything to stop hurting her. I told her that she is free to go (God knows I don't want her to) but I asked her to give me just one last chance. I promised I'd never talk with other women or get involved in something that would affect my marriage. I already closed every single social network account including facebook, MSN etc. Please tell me what I could do to gain her confidence and trust in me. I'm so lost without her.

razorlines, your wife is right with her assessment of why you're talking with these other women. Knowing what she does, if she REALLY wants to leave you then she will and that's her choice. You may not have physically cheated on her but you definitely are not forsaking all others for her and I understand that her heart is probably broken.
You've done all that you can, you've cut contact with them (and I hope you've showed her), and that's the extent of what you can DO. Now you have to wait, and proceed with kindness. Ask her if she will go to marriage counseling with you. Continue showing her that you're willing to do what it takes to win her trust back, but understand that it is something that will take some time during which you need to demonstrate trustworthiness and love. I do not believe this marriage is lost yet. Good luck.
Talking intimately with other women is emotional cheating and she has every right to want to leave you. That being said, I must also say a lot of women never forget being forsaken by the one they love and although they may one day say they forgive you, they will never truly be over this hurt. If she were to stay with you, you must know it won't go back to the way it was for a long time. She will always have that little voice in the back of her mind wondering what you're doing when she leaves the house and you're alone.
This reminds me of an episode of Dr. Phil where he straight up told a husband that now that he and his wife were moving on from cheating (this was actual physical and emotional and involved the internet) he would have to allow his wife to a) check his emails, b) check his phone call list/texts, c) check the phone bill, etc. A therapist was there and even verified this was the only way they would ever get back to normal. It may seem like your privacy will completely end but - it's the only way to get her back! Tell her she can install a keylogger which allows her to see every single thing you do on the internet. I think this could really help her see that you're serious and you're willing to give up your privacy to prove to her you want to change and move forward with her.
Secondly, going to a marriage counselor is a great idea. Being married is like having a live-in best friend who you can talk to about any and everything: hopes, dreams, desires, likes, dislikes, goals, etc. Even little things like a funny thing that happened at work. These are so important to have in a relationship/marriage that sometimes people feel their significant other doesn't care so they find someone new who they can open up to. You shouldn't have to do that. Maybe there was a feeling of disinterest on her part that made you seek out women who showed interest in your thoughts?
Good luck.
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Did you actually talk about the dynamics of sex on a personal level with these women as a vicarious means of turning you on?
Tell your wife that you will go for therapy and counseling so you can understand what it was that drove you to this and be sure it won't happen again. Tell her you both can also go for marriage counseling to help her work through her feelings and learn how to re-establish trust again. Tell her also that forgiveness is a big part of any relationship, and that you never actually met or slept with these women.
If she cannot forgive you and does not want to work it out, that is then "her problem"....it's unfortunate, but in the long run, no relationship can survive without a good dose of kindness, understanding and forgiveness. This would most likely have happened sooner or later then.
Best wishes,
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