To complain or not to complain?
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| Thu, 12-18-2008 - 3:47pm |
Hello,
To give some context, I met a wonderful guy about 6 months ago. We hit it off quickly and it was pretty intense. After 2 months and a half, he felt distant for a few days, I asked what was going on and became needy. When he saw he couldn't reassure me, he left me but then asked for some time to think things through. After 2 weeks he asked if he could come back. This break was really hard on me and I had a lot of things to clarify with him the first weeks.
I'm starting to feel more secure again and the communication is getting better but sometimes I feel it's not enough and I'm wondering how to react to this. He does a lot of things for me, he is very attentive but he's not so great with words and seems to get distracted or not being able to make me feel secure (I don't know who's at fault here...)
I've been in therapy for some time because I've been through a pattern of failed relationships. My therapist mentionned to me that I probably had abandonment issues stemming from my dad being sick and emotionnaly absent when I was a child. I do feel that sometimes I fear for no good reasons and I am able to put my fears in perspective. (i.e. my bf was taking dance classes at the beginning of the relationship and even if I don't like to think about him dancing with other girls, I never voiced it and I knew it was just my fear speaking, I wouldn't want him to stop taking dance classes as I enjoy dancing as well!)
My problem is that sometimes it seems very hard for me to see what is wrong for him to do (or not) and what is right. I want to have consideration for him and him to have consideration for me but I am afraid I'm asking for too much or the wrong things.
When he left, he wrote me a long email and in that email, he spoke of his previous relationship. He had never mentioned it when we got acquainted and I was always wondering if he was hiding something from me since I would disclose information about myself and he didn't. It was a difficult relationship and I felt a lot of empathy for him when I learned about it. When he came back in the relationship, at some point I had to make sure that I was not a rebound or second option and he told me that he didn't doubt the relationship anymore after taking time to think things through. I felt a lot better after this, we had an amazing 5 weeks, lots of time together, etc.
Last week, I woke up at his place and he had added his ex as a friend on facebook a few minutes before. I was very mad that he had not mentionned it to me. He told me not to worry, that I had my place with him and that he had no intention of contacting her. I was ok with that for most of the day but when I got home, my thoughts started racing (this happens to me a lot and it usually escalates quickly into anxiety). I started wondering why he would add her if he didn't feel like contacting her. I thought really hard and wondered if he had said that since he saw I was mad. I wrote him an email saying that I trusted him but I worried about her intentions and that if he wanted to contact her that I was ok with that but just to not leave me in the dark. I didn't feel like running into an email of hers or something like this. He was annoyed that he had to tell me (again) that he wasn't planning on contacting her. This is where things went bad. He seemed to think that I was being way too insecure and him dismissing my feeling just made me feel like he didn't care and drove me even crazier and wondering about the relationship's potential. The day after was really rough too but we ended up spending some good times again and things seem to be ok now. My therapist seemed to say that I was too demanding for asking to be told before he added her as a friend. Some friends seemed to understand. I'm not sure what to think anymore?
Yesterday before I left his place, I asked him if he wanted to come over to sleep later and he said he was thinking about working that night but that we could talk about it later. I was disappointed because we had talked this week that his schedule was going to be more flexible and we could take time to cook stuff for xmas or go gift shopping and we didn't do any of this. I was also a bit annoyed because this meant I had to bring a lot of stuff back with me and I was going to have to carry that stuff all day while out. I tried not to show my disappointment and to just take it that maybe he would change his mind since he didn't seem totally sure but then again I felt like he wasn't going to follow-through (don't know if I'm projecting abandonment there...). Also, we see each other pretty often and I knew we probably wouldn't be able to see each other for the next 3 days if we didn't take the opportunity that night. I went out for the day and when I got back, I went on MSN for a bit. He didn't mention anything about coming over or not, ever. I didn't want to ask because I didn't want him to feel harassed, I felt fragile and I didn't want to start a fight (maybe this is where I went wrong and that it was my problem to ask what he had decided?). I know I can feel it really deep if I feel he doesn't want to see me and I'm trying to be cautious that this doesn't become too heavy on him. I did feel disrespected that we mentionned maybe seeing each other and that he didn't follow through at all. I felt like my life is not important enough that I can be told ahead of time so I can plan something else for myself.
I feel like he needs his freedom a lot and that he doesn't understand why he would need to answer to me for certain things. He's not used to talk about problems and having an emotional girlfriend. Is this something guys can get used to? I don't feel like we fight a lot at all or that I am super clingy. He's had one girlfriend before for a very long time and he told me she couldn't talk about problems and was worse than he was. I'm guessing that was comfortable for him.
I'm wondering what are your takes on this, am I expecting too much?
Does he just need to be aware and deal a little more with my expectations, is it some kind of middle ground we need to find?
I'm really at a loss, I want to be a good girlfriend and I don't want to ruin my relationship but I also want to be respected. I'm ready to be flamed if I must but please be constructive, I need to shed some light on all this and I don't know where to start...
Thanks,
Em

I'm not going to "flame" you.
"
Hi em450,
Here's your post from Sept - commitment phobia
Hopefully over time you will able to reassure yourself and come to terms with how you translate his actions and behaviors into things that aren't necessarily true.