worried and in pain
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| Mon, 12-22-2008 - 11:24am |
i am new here, i joined this site without really realizing how it is meant for women. however i decided i may as well take a shot at seeking help here since i am here now anyway and it's the internet. i also feel that getting mostly female responses could be good because i have already talked to my friends (all guys) about what has been going on and they have not really been able to help past trying to distract me.
so here is my situation at the moment
i have been dating my partner for just about 1 year and 1/2. we have a history of a very unique and emotionally stimulating relationship, its mostly been great, we do fight here and there, we have had significant rough patches but regardless of that i feel we have some really good chemistry, i believe in this relationship.
recently we have a had a particularly rough patch and it has lasted about 2 months where the bad has been outweighing the good. our relationship to me seems to be going back and forth from moments of feeling that we are stronger than ever to moments of wretched strife and pain (mostly on my side). i feel like some of our unresolved problems are starting to catch up to us. she began to start acting weird around the beginning of november, she admitted to thinking about not wanting to be with me - she gave me lots of hints suggesting that she desired freedom from any relationship, desire to be single. i tried to talk to her about it but she has not been communicating, one of our underlying problems is that it is really hard to get her to communicate. she has always been very private about her emotions in general, not just with me. for a while in november she would constantly break plans with me, arrive late to see me and leave early, or just not show up at all. this kind of behavior was really hurting me but whenever i tried to talk about it she would get angry and shy off as she usually does when she feels threatened. on the regular occasion i had somewhat gotten used to that kind of response but not when i was in great pain and really felt i needed to talk to her. after a while of that she requested a break from the relationship, admitting to feel that she is not holding her weight in the relationship and that she has not been honest with me about her attraction to other men. this information was devastating for me for obvious reasons, but it adresses another one of our underlying problems, i am a very jealous person.
i did not agree about the break because i thought it would pull us further apart, i decided to let it happen anyway. she called it off in less than a week, which made me feel all right but for that week and the previous weeks i had been in terrible agony, i felt very unloved and uncared for, i felt i had lost my trust in her and that i had lost her as my love. when she came back we had some very fantastic days together where i was able to talk and we were able to have some real fun together and enjoy each other like we usually would. it was very refreshing for me. but since then, including late november our relationship has been very up and down. we'll have absolutely terrific days where everything goes well, but we will have absolutely terrible days, often a result of her breaking plans still or getting very angry and stubborn when i go to her for help.
i think i have a grasp on what she might be going through, it seems to me that she wants to be with me but also be able to be free to do what she wants without thinking it will hurt me or our relationship. she may be rediscovering parts of herself and it is scaring her be so close to someone without knowing how she feels.
some good news is that recently we have become much closer, opening up and sharing deep connections. i feel that she may now have made a decision that she really does want to be in this relationship and that she really loves me. we have had mostly extremely good days together, some tough talks maybe, but very productive and very enjoyable times. we talk about loving each other so much and wanting to be together forever, discussing possibilities for plans for our future together. we have not had a bad day for about a week and i am really starting to hope that this is a turning over of a new leaf for us. however i am still in a lot of pain, the level of pain i have been experiencing has diminished but i still feel very hurt by how she has been treating me and i am still finding it difficult to trust her again. i feel she may change her mind at any moment.
i'd just like some opinions, is it ok for things like this to happen in relationships for such a long period? should i not be as concerned as i am? should i still trust her? what is the best way to deal with this? can our relationship become stronger again?
i'm sorry for the length, i just am very concerned and i thought it would be best to put in as much detail as possible. i'd appreciate any opinions at all.

Hi P
When I was reading your post, I almost thought (in a panic) that it was my other half writing it!
Like your g/f, I too have periods of deep doubt, resentfulness, guilt uncertainty, depression even.
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Welcome to the board p.james,
Guys are welcomed