just VENTING, but opinions welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2008
just VENTING, but opinions welcome!
2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 12:22am

SORRY its so LOOONG of a post but bear with me to give you the details..

i dated my high school sweetheart for eight years and broke it off because i wasnt ready for marraige. i started a new career in and six months in i met a new guy that makes me laugh and shows me a better outlook on life. things moved far quicker than i would have imagined but everything seemed so grand at the time.. new environment, new people, new independence, new outlook.. something i was lacking in my life for over three years with the previous relationship. my new guy was far different from anyone else in my past and it was pure fun! four months into the relationship i moved in with him & his parents. we didnt have much in common but we each compromised and learned to deal with most issues. two years go by and i didnt see the relationship as being that serious as i felt i still had a lot of growing up to do and there was so much more i wanted to experience on my own. He proposed and i was excited at the moment so i said yes, but i wasnt sure of the idea, after all, this was the whole reason why i left my previous relationship. i figured i could retract the YES a few months after the excitement wore off.

WRONG!! i make a stupid mistake & come to find im pregnant. Most would be extatic but as the pregnancy progressed i find alot of differences between us and just didnt think it was the right choice to marry, but i say nothing. As we plan for a special dinner with both families to reveal the sex of the baby, we find its TWO GIRLS & ONE BOY! TRIPLETS??!!!! OMG! how am i to deal with triplets on my own, i think? I go into denial and b/f goes into shock and doesnt speak to me for 2 mos!! scared and ashamed, i make the decision to stay in the relationship for the kids because that was what i was taught - you get pregnant, you get married, love will come & you live happily ever after (talk about being in a princess world!). ultimately we end up having twin girls three months early. at six months we move into our own place and deal the best we can as new parents on our own. over the next three years, i raise the girls sans-father but with help from both sets of grandparents (how lucky i am & so grateful they were there!!) as his career took presidence in his life instead of us. i also take on the cooking, cleaning, laundry, yardwork, trash, light house repair (he's tool-stupid! - never thought id find one of those guys) while also working a 50 hour work week just to stay on top of the bills. (and ya'll thought i was a stay at home mom right?) i begged and pleaded for him to help and switch his shift and he did nothing of the sort until we lost our house and moved into an apartment.

finally, he gets a shift change three months into our apartment lease and i find myself at my wits end, and tell him i need his help with the kids, the chores, and i want an occational night out. the only thing is, i dont have my own friends. One particular friday night, I end up hanging out with his bff's (he's known C for 10yrs & D for 15yrs) just to socialize and get out. i figure this is the best place for me to hang (D's house) versus some ratty bar with a bunch of people i dont know and have to try and impress someone just to have a civil conversation. when i come home, i appologize to DH because i feel i shouldnt have taken his friends away for my benefit, that i should try and find my own friends, and he says its fine-no worries. i have a particularly bad following week and ASK if i can hang with his friends again (DH has to work so i would be home alone, and i would rather go socialize than veg in front of the tv) and he states again,no worries. he comes the next day and accuses me of sleeping around with C! sureley this knocked me for a loop, as well as the best friend he accused. They rarely speak now... and i feel so bad because ultimately i cost my DH his best friend because i wanted a night away from the everyday stresses.

I give him the common curtisy of asking to go spend time with our mutual friends, which also happens to be his bff's and i get this reaction after he gives me the go-ahead? When he comes home, he smokes a few to relax from his 7.5 hour shift and plays his video games until its his bedtime and i've never complained because im out bustin my butt at work! I dont get any help from him unless i leave a damn detailed note to empty the dishwasher or take out the trash - and that's if he remembers. since this accusation, there is much silence between us and when we do talk, its to fight about the situation and his lack of trust in me (which he still denys), over finances, his lack of desire to do anything, or my lack of "desire" in the bedroom -which i've never really had in the first place. Im tired of having to explain there's no infidelity on my part and im tired of the lack of support he gives other than the occational lunch packing or "i should do laundry itch". we have been no more than roommates and cordial at best, the past two months. Am i being selfish to say i want out because the speck of love/desire i once had is no longer there? He irritates me and makes me feel guilty nonstop and he has the audacity to yell at me when im a bit too busy to thank him for a chore i didnt ask him to do! HA! i fear leaving this "family" will hurt our daughters more than they have already experienced in our last two months or petty arguing and i want to be done with this situation and separate but i dont even know where to begin. How do others cope with separation when there's children involved and how does it affect the child if the parents stay in the bad situation? am i being silly and this is just a normal situation that comes with married life?

I will be 30 in two months, DH will be 29 in three months and weve been married for 4yrs, together 6yrs and have 4 year old twins.

thanks for stickin with me.... remember its just a rant but if your willing to comment, please do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 3:05pm

Welcomr to the board,


It sound to be like you should leave the marriage. It not at least try marriage counseling. But it doesn't seem like you have any desire to stay in the marriage and make it work. Kids would come from a broken home than be in one. If you stay you will be showing them that it is okay to stay in a loveless marriage full of problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 10:13pm

Welcome to the board cnhmomma,


You are in a really tough situation.