mistake with the love of my life
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| Wed, 12-24-2008 - 1:09am |
I need advice please. When I was 19 (21 now) I didn't know what I wanted. I'd never cheated on anyone and considered myself a good person. I was in an on again/off again relationship with a loser (let's call him "Loser") when I met my current boyfriend ("Boyfriend). I'd been broken up with Loser for 8 months and never planned to speak with him again. When Boyfriend asked me out (his 5th or 6th attempt), I said 'sure' not expecting much. He was a really cool guy but I still wasn't completely ready to get too deep in a relationship.
I hung out with a friend, and Loser happened to be there. Over a couple weeks we hung out a few times, hoping the just friends thing would work. Each time he was more and more flirtatious and suggestive. I tried not to think much of it, but after awhile some old feelings resurfaced. I'd cut off contact with Boyfriend- I hadn't talked to him for about a week and a half, and he stopped calling. I was so confused about how I felt. One night Loser came over. We had a few beers and things got out of control. I went 'all the way'. The next day I visited Boyfriend to 'officially' break up, and by then he had decided he wanted to break up also. And that he had a date with his ex-girlfriend already lined up. We were broken up for a couple weeks, and in that time we both dated our ex'es. He says he didn't have sex with her during that time.
It didn't take long for us to realize we wanted to be back with each other, and were actually in love. We had a long discussion which included the following question- "Did you and him have sex?" I was so afraid of losing him I lied and said no. So not only did I lie about it, but technically we were still dating. Although in my mind, at the time, I did that figuring we weren't together anymore since we hadn't talked for so long.
This is a stupid question, but did I cheat? This was 3 months into mine & Boyfriend's relationship and in my head I was single(not that it makes my actions good). We have now been together 2 1/2 years and we are very happy and in love. I think that he may pop the question soon and I feel I would need to let him know. I know I sound terrible, but besides that 1 stupid mistake, we have been great to each other. I always said I'd never get married, but it turned out this guy feels like the love of my life. I don't want to lose him. Any advice?? What should I do? As you can tell I've been torn about this for quite awhile. Thanks for your time!!

Dear Justagirl70.
Think about how you would feel if Boyfriend did that to you. Boyfriend actually did sleep with his ex while telling you that he didn't. Will you call it a cheating? You probably will, right?
I don't think your lie will last. Lies come out in an incredibly unexpected way that we have no idea how did it happen. Lies are meant to come out sooner or later. Even if your b/f didn't find out, YOU have to suffer hiding it, and making sure that he won't find out. Would you want to live your rest of life spending all the time hiding something desperately? I mean what if you get marry, and found yourself being worry everyday whether he will find it out or not. Then, if you tell him the truth, I highly doubt that he will trust you fully again. (I mean you would be the same too)
I understand that you hate losing him. We all do have a problem letting someone go who spent so much good time with, and we always will do. My advice is, think about how you have been doing in past years about your lie, and if you feel like you can't hold the lie for rest of your life, then take time but move on at some point. Then once you do move on, never turn around, and never make the same mistake. I don't think cutting off someone while you are having a strong attachment will work, because it only does opposite effect. But honestly, the more you spend time with him, the more it gets painful to hold your lie in yourself.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the best.
Edited 12/24/2008 2:26 am ET by yokotakano
I think you need to forgive yourself for a mistake and move on. Unlike the last poster I do not believe it's likely you will go through every day of your life worrying about this. People sometimes do stupid things in the very early stages of a relationship, you and your current boyfriend hadn't established a solid, loving relationship at that point and you still had some things to figure out. If you can't tell I've been through this exact same thing.
Let yourself off the hook. You don't need to keep punishing yourself... That was a long time ago for you.
Hi Justagirl70 --
I think you should let it go and definitely not mention it to your boyfriend. Mentioning something now would probably cause him to feel distrustful and raise other unnecessary questions. It happened, and it's done. You two were in your "separation" stage. Stop holding it over your head and beating yourself up over it.
Who knows how far he went with the other girl when you guys weren't together? He may also be sparing your feelings. So don't sweat it anymore. Just let it go. You two are in love now and have a future to look forward to -- not a past, right?
Good luck!
Sadeii
Welcome to the board justagirl70,
Can you keep it to yourself? Is there a chance it could be found out and he would hear it from someone else?
You might find this interesting reading:
Tell me to get over it, please! - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=31795.1
Thanks again!