I don't see the "problem"...
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I don't see the "problem"...
| Wed, 12-24-2008 - 11:22pm |
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now, and I am insanely happy with him. I don't think I've ever been this deep in love before. However, we aren't very physical at all, which I will admit has it's down sides, but I honestly don't have too big of a problem with it. I'm edgy about being physical with

Hi ask_thespian. Merry Christmas! It's all finished here, and I'm chilling out after a day of gifts and food.
I think you need to explain to your flatmate that while you appreciate her concern, you would prefer she keep her opinions to herself. And once you've said that, you need to make sure you don't discuss the physical aspect of your relationship with her. You see, by discussing the subject with your flatmate, you're inviting her comments.
As far as your relationship with your boyfriend goes, if you were both 100% happy then there's no problem. However, you aren't content. You talk about it being 'frustrating', it 'stinks' and having 'it's down sides'. In short, you aren't getting your needs met.
I'm wondering if you're missing affection as well as sex. Do you get the kisses and hugs you need? Does he hold your hand and rub your back? Does he spoon into you when laying with you? Does he snuggle into you on the sofa when watching TV?
Longer term, I'd be concerned that perhaps he has a low sex drive. Or that he doesn't feel 'chemistry' with you. Ie; you're more of a sister to him than a lover.
Sorry to jump on the same bandwagon as your flatmate. While I'm not making a big issue out of it, I would caution you to be careful about agreeing to anything long term (such as marriage) before you get this sorted out.
physical connection is just as important in a relationship as emotional connection. the only problem it seems that you have is what the above poster said, you are not having your needs met. it seems like you are happy in your relationship though without sex right now. but you say you are happy and if he is happy as well then i don't think you have much to worry about. i've been with someone for about 2 1/2 years and we were not physical until late into the first year, plus or minus a few very romantic occasions. we did the same as you and concentrated on an emotional connection for the first while, i find that when i think back about it that it was a really good decision not to jump into a very physical relationship right away.
if you have discussed things of a physical nature with your partner and you are both being honest about what you want then i don't see the problem either. if you'd really like to be more physical very soon then just let him know that and if he still wants to wait then wait. or don't wait. decide what is more important to you - immediate physical activity or your partners need to get more comfortable. you should discuss with him why he wants to wait and why you do not if you have not done that already. if you feel that he will never want to be physical then you do have a problem and you have to let him know that a physical connection is important to you.
as for your room mate i would just stop talking to her about your relationship. if it is bothering you, you should just not let it happen. things like this are no ones business except yours and your partners unless you let someone else in in the first place. tell her what you don't like and she probably won't do it anymore. i do not think you are doing anything wrong.
Its admirable that your young boyfriend is not influenced by others to jump into pre-marital sex. Not only is there nothing wrong with it, it shows his high degree of respect for you, commitment, and his values.
Your roommate is extremely immature, and rude. Don't let anyone push you into thinking you're supposed to be having sex because they are doing so.
You are young and unmarried, and if your screen name is reflective, in school...so being smart about exposing yourself to those complications is a good thing.
My first husband wasn't very interested in being physical, and it's one of the reasons our marriage ended. Some men simply aren't interested in sex, or at least aren't interested in anything with a partner. Given my past experience, a situation like you have would make me quite nervous.
A year is a pretty long time to still not be ready if he's really that deeply in love with you. I hope you don't mean that he's non-physical in the sense of no physical affection being shown at all. Just be aware that at some point you may have to decide if you're ok with a relationship that doesn't involve sex. If you're a little frustrated now, imagine how you might feel a few years from now if things don't change much. How you'll know is to watch how he reacts if you ever do have sex. If he's still not interested very often, then it's likely you're dealing with someone with an extremely low libido.
It's your own decision to make if you like things the way they are. You should simply tell your roommate that you don't want to discuss it and then stop talking about it. If she brings up the topic and you continue to discuss it, that encourages her. It takes two people to have a conversation.
Don't talk to your roommate about your relationship. It's not her business, it's your relationship and not hers, and everyone is different. If she brings it up, just say that you don't want to talk about it.
Different couples have different needs and feelings vis a vis sex. It's not usual not to have sex, but it's not necessarily abnormal either. It can take time to grow into feeling like you both want this. You mentioned that you had a bad experience with sex previously, so this kind of relationship now probably makes you feel safe. It's fine for now. Build the emotional connection, enjoy the friendship and kindness you share. It's also a good idea for you to see a counselor to work out whatever feelings you have that are troubling from your past experience. Otherwise, they get acted out in the present situation. Work on this, get free of your edginess and fear...and, you will see in time how things progress. Ultimately, he may or may not be the one for you. He may or may not want to be physical, but this is not something that you can be sure of right now. Right now enjoy the closeness and comfort, work through your own issues separately and time will tell what's right to do. You'll know for yourself. You don't need anyone else to tell you.
Best wishes,
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