Libido mistake
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| Thu, 12-25-2008 - 1:20pm |
I've just started posting questions on several of the boards here. My 8 year marriage (great guy, two wonderful kids) is about to end because for the last 4 years, our sex life has been nearly non-existent. My husband and I have different libido levels and I have to take the responsibility for not encouraging sex. Unfortunately, it looks like most readers at iVillage agree that he's right to want to end the relationship based on a lack of sex. I have naively thought that he would love me, no matter what, and find myself depressed, panicked, shocked and at a loss of what to do. He hasn't made any decisions, but he is certainly wondering if we should stay together if we're not both happy.
I wouldn't say we are happy, but we are comfortable and I expected to live out my life with him. Now, at 48 years old, with two kids, I'm terrified of starting over and, since I still love him, don't want to start over.
We have tried counseling in the past year and he says he doesn't want to do it again. What should I do now?

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Welcome to the board americanswiss,
When is the last time you had a physical?
If your libido has taken a dive over the last
Americanswiss, I found a post of yours on another board. I'm providing a link because I believe it will provide valuable information for posters here. http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlhtmarpub&msg=699.1&ctx=0
If I were you, I'd be talking massive lifestyle changes if you want to save the marriage. A husband who spends all those nights away..plus young children to care for on your own? Can you say "goodbye libido"! Despite having a very healthy sex drive with my husband, I'm 100% sure my sex drive would go kaput if I were living your life.
Consider moving to where he works. Or have him find a job closer to home. Even if you have to take a pay cut/cut back on living expenses, it's got to be worth it to save your marriage.
Edited 12/25/2008 5:14 pm ET by true.blue.strine
It's a false assumption to think that a marriage can go on forever without sex. This is certainly not considering your husband's normal needs. He can love you very much, but not want to live his life without sex. This is understandable and even healthy. So, it seems as if you are the one who doesn't want sex. What you call a "libido" problem is more than that. There have to be psychological issues going on with you to block your natural desire for sex. If you really want to hold onto the marriage, you should find yourself an excellent therapist (and also perhaps a sex therapist, both)...and tell your husband you realize this is your problem and you're determined to work on it. He'll realize that you're serious about it if you tell him you're going to therapy. This way, you're not putting the blame for the situation on both of you as a couple - but taking responsibility for what you call your lack of libido. If you want to be in a healthy, happy, on-going relationship with a man, you have to work this out one way or another. All men will want a good sexual realtionship in order for the relationship to thrive and last. And believe it or not, this will be very good, healthy and fulfilling for you as well.
Best wishes,
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Thank you for your professional opinion. It looks like my husband is not willing to give me any more time, or believing that things will change even with more counseling. We will see each other tomorrow for the first time in 10 days and I expect this will come to some conclusion. I suppose counseling for me is inevitable. I am so very sad right now.
Hi AS
I'm sorry this is happening.
Speaking as the partner of a low libido man, I can sympathize with your H.
To have the one you love reject you constantly is humiliating, degrading, pounds your self esteem and after enough time, starts to eat away at the love you once felt.
My partner does not initiate sex enough - often, not at all.
Thanks to all of you for your advice and comments. I have suggested moving to the city where he works (we all need that), I have already seen a sex therapist and a family therapist (we saw that person together last year), I have had everything checked out medically by my doctor. Unfortunately, my husband says that any love he felt when we married is gone and he wants a divorce. He doesn't believe that we can ever get it back.
I am heartbroken. Our children are already feeling fragile because they have a very close relationship with their father and can't understand why he isn't home more. I can't imagine being with anyone else in the future. Am I having self-esteem problems right now? You bet!
Thanks all.
I haven't read any other posts by you or others but my wife and I have the same issues.
Thanks for your opposite point-of-view. It's helpful and amazingly synchronized with other men who have been in similar situations.
Yes, my husband is feeling unloved, unwanted and rejected and he says he's felt this way for a long time. It's not like we don't have any sex, but probably only once a month and it is always challenging. I was naive to think that this would sort itself out when the children were a little older and less dependent (read: interruptive). Now, I'm just frustrated by the situation I find myself in. I waited until I was 40 to get married, gave up a big career to have children right away and am now 48, unprepared for the hook life has thrown in my direction. I just wanted him to love me forever and ever. I hope he finds the sex bunny he's looking for. I don't believe it's out there, if he finds another woman with small children and daily challenges of raising them while he works and travels all the time.
>>I hope he finds the sex bunny he's looking for. I don't believe it's out there, if he finds another woman with small children and daily challenges of raising them while he works and travels all the time.<<
I agree with you. Having a husband who's never around wouldn't do much for arousing the desires of many women. I, for one, do not believe that absense makes the heart grow fonder.
Is a lifestyle change an option? Or does he choose his travelling lifestyle over you and the kids.....
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