Trying To Leave; Not Working

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2008
Trying To Leave; Not Working
7
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 11:50am

I've been in my relationship for 8 1/2 months now. It Has Been on and off this whole entire time but it just keeps getting worse and worse and this isn't the first time i have tried to end it. We will be together and everything is fine and then all of a sudden he will be with some random girl and have her answer the phone and tell her how much he hates me and after 3 weeks he is threw with her. We used to live together and we are always together (well kind of) these days i will stay at his house and we will spend time together and then he will run out and go sleep with some girl come back and cook dinner and we'll watch a movie or whatever and he will just deny the whole thing about being with other girls and tell me he isn't going to argue with me today. Then he'll run off again and do who knows what with this girl that he has been with for a few months who thinks they are going to get married and have a baby. But When he runs around with these other girls he will have NOTHING to do with me and will yell at me if i try to talk to them to tell them that he is using them and he will have his friends call me to tell me that we arent together and he has never wanted to be with me and he just hates me so much and always will. Then when he is done running around with this girl he will call and if i try to end it he just hangs up on me or tells me im lying and i know im just lying to him and myself. the last time we done this it was a week before christmas and he called and called and called and told me that he had got drunk and shot himself in the arm or something and nobody cares. i told him that his girlfriend should have cared since i dont mean anything to him anyways and he told me that everyone he knows knew about it but me and no one cares. Everytime i tell him that there is no reason for us to continue our relationship because we dont even get along all he has to say is we get along ALL THE TIME. and we are so happy and whatever and i know i should leave and just forget about it but i love him and everytime i get the balls to do it he either cuts his wrists or does something dumb and calls and calls and calls telling me no one cares about him blah blah

what do i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2008
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 12:02pm
i cant see the replies?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 12:28pm

Please, stop a minute and see what you are saying. You are describing a horribly abusive, crazy relationship. Why in the world are you still there? That is the question. There are always good or sweet times in these kinds of relationships, and that is why they hurt so much, we wait around hoping for the good times to come back and block out or deny the terribly stuff that goes on inbetween. His behavior is toxic, very disturbed and not something you can keep putting up with without it having serious consequenes on you - beyond the time lost in hanging around waiting for someone who will never be able to give you what you truly need and want.


Get a good therapist. You need help in seeing what's really happening and just walking away.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2008
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 1:00pm

I will be honest he isn't the only one in the relationship that is being "abusive" i have punched and slapped him a FEW times because he makes me sooo angry and there are times where i just beg him to argue with me so i can get my frustration out. I'm the only one that tries to argue and fight and he tries to get away from it and tells me he can't deal with me and will leave me at his house but I wouldn't be so "crazy" if he would just act right and be a decent boyfriend without going out and around every girl he sees.

( He has a baby by another girl who he done this way for 4 years until she left him for someone else. He would leave her stranded at his house ALL the time while he went out and did whatever he wanted. and he had a major breakdown when she left him; he was rushed to the hospital because of it and now he dosent get to see his baby)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 2:13pm
You are clearly in a lot of pain in this relationship and the fact that you weren't perfect doesn't change the fact that this is not a relationship that can work. The problems that you mention don't forgive his behavior. You need to get yourself out of this relationship as fast as you can. Lean on your girlfriends or family for support. Keep yourself busy even if it is with nothing more than joining a book discussion at your free library or wandering through a museum. Don't obsess over this man and don't return his phone calls should he try to call you. Don't worry about him - he will move on. If you have some of his stuff, give it to a friend for him to come and collect it from. You need to realize that this relationship is going to end....it's just a matter of how much pain you are willing to endure before it ends completely. The longer you drag this out, the harder it will be to pick up all the pieces of your broken heart and learn to trust again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2008
Fri, 12-26-2008 - 2:34pm

That's just it i did have MANY things of his and for the longest time he said thats where all the problems were in our relationship because i wouldn't give his things back. But i kept them that time because it just hurt so bad but i finally gave in and told him a couple months ago that he could come and get his things and then he wouldn't have to talk to me anymore because i knew thats what he was doing and he would always hang up on me and stall out on coming by to his things.

Well, Finally he made it a point to get his things and we were being friendly with each other but i still didn't feel like i wanted to try to work anything out anymore. so he went off with this random girl who i didn't have any idea about because i didn't keep any contact with him for a week. but out of the blue she starts harrassing me online & telling me that he hates me always has and always will and the only reason we got back together when he got his stuff was so i would give him his things. and as she was harrassing me online he was calling me and telling me to quit trying to start problems and running my mouth.

Then he left her that week sometime got back with his "other" girlfriend. the one he goes to when i don't want anything to do with him. i told her that i didn't care anymore and she could have him to herself and that i wanted all my stuff back from him and she could tell him. well she had said ahe told him and was happy that i didn't want to work mine and his relationship out anymore.

Well that whole next week he called me but i refused to answer and one night when i was sleeping i accidentally answered and thats when he tol dme he just got out of the hospital because he shot himself and no one cares about him. & i told him that his girlfriend should and he told me he didn't have one. and i hung up on him. then the next day he called 900 times so we talked and i fell for it again and while i was staying at his house he left me there to go see his "other" girlfriend or so im assuming. & when he gets with random girls he always has them harrass me but that "other" girlfriend of his he don't want them to have anything to do with her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 11:32am

Cut him out of your life completely. The guy is a user and sounds like he's verging on psychotic.

Respect yourself enough to never see or speak to him again.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 12-29-2008 - 1:36am

Welcome to the board a_day_to_be_alone,


Here's some reading material to consider:


Are You the One for Me? Barbara DeAngelis


Do Not Talk To, Touch, Marry, or Otherwise Fiddle with Frogs, by Nailah Shami


Recognizing & Dealing with Domestic Abuse


Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse


How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon


The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz