met up with ex boyfriend now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2007
met up with ex boyfriend now what?
4
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 7:13am
So my ex boyfriend of two years broke up over the phone with me when he was overseas working.This was a year ago and since then we haven't spoken until my Birthday 4 months ago when he said he was thinking about me and wanted to see me. I delayed for 4 months because I was scared until he told me he had a gift for me and so I jumped at the chance to see him because I thought he might want me back. We had dinner and things were light and everything and then the night came to a close and he kidded around about going dancing to which I kind of brushed off because I was trying to be cool about it (PS he got me a bracelet from Spain nothing too fancy) . When I got home he wrote me an e-mail saying it felt good to have me in his life again and such. I wrote him an e-mail telling him that he should not feel guilty about the break-up because long distance was killing the both of us and we had to let each other go(because at dinner he kept on saying after what I did to you thanks for seeing me) . At the end of the night he gave me a bag of my stuff that he found at his place and that was the end of it. He since hasn't contacted me or anything and it's been 2 days since he wrote that email saying it was nice having me in his life. we texted a little because I told him about a dream I had where he was a vampire. It was light and a little flirty. My question is if he wanted to get back together with me he would have asked to see me again wouldn't he? Do I have any chance of getting this man back? I can say that he is the love of my life. I figure that I should try to get myself back into shape and then in 3 weeks when I'm feeling better about myself ask him to hang out and then see if we can get that loving feeling back....but the other part of me wants to ask him straight out do you still love me (but how can he since he just saw me once?) What should I do? I am so confused! Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 10:28am

Welcome to the board girlinlove1972,


I would think if he wanted to get back together with you that he would keep the contact up. However, you said it had only been 2 days since the email that isn't that long. I wouldn't get my hopes up if I were you. Just wait to see if he contacts you in any way. If he hasn't in a week, than contact him with something light that way you will know that you tried and you won't have any regrets about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 4:04pm
Girlinlove, he gave you your stuff back. It doesn't get any more final than that.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 6:38pm

Be careful with this situation. Some men just like the power of knowing that they can see the woman they broke up with again, and have her around should they want to. You don't really know what he has in mind or where he's at, because he didn't say. He could also just be enjoying some teasing. I wouldn't write, text or contact him at all now. Let him contact you if he wants you. Don't seem too eager to jump back in. Less eager is much better. Stay light here. You may not hear from him again, or he may just want to be friends. Don't build fantasies and definitely do not ask him if he wants to get the love back...Beyond all this, stop and ask yourself, do you really want him? Is it the thrill of capturing him again? How well do you know him? Is he someone who can give you what it is you truly want and need in a relationship? If he wants you, believe me, you'll know it. He'll come a calling and chasing. If he isn't or doesn't, then it could be just a game he's playing, covering his bases. Go on with your life as though this never happened...keep dating, get in shape for yourself, and move forward in your life. If he wants you now, he'll have to find you, chase you and earn you. Don't be easy to get.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 7:56pm

I had an ex-boyfriend do that to me once. I was sure he must want to get back together but to make a long story short, I think he just felt guilty for hurting me and wanted to make his own conscience feel better. He just wanted to be friends (so he wouldn't have to feel guilty anymore). I really thought he must want me back because he kept saying how good it was to have me back in his life. He even suggested taking long walks like we used to on a regular basis.

The thing is, he was very inconsistent. He said nice things but then I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. I finally realized all he wanted was a friendship when I found out he had a new girlfriend (who he later married). He was already dating her when he first contacted me. I think he just couldn't bear to think of himself as someone who broke someone's heart and was trying to "fix it" so he could respect himself again. It wasn't about me at all.

I know this is not what you want to hear and, of course, since I don't know your ex, I could be wrong but I just don't want you to get your hopes up for nothing. My ex set me back on months of recovery with what he did and I wish I had known what was really going on at the time. Don't waste another minute wondering what is going on. Assume it is nothing and continue your recovery. Date, go out, have fun. If he does want you back, he will tell you. You won't have to guess. Guys are programmed for the chase. If he wants you, he will chase you. If he is not chasing, he is not interested in you in that way anymore. He gave your stuff back, you need to assume that's the end of it.
Oh, and if he wants to be friends you can't do that now. If you're hoping he wants you back, you cannot be his friend. Maybe someday but not until you DON'T want him anymore. Don't waste your time (or self-respect) telling him that, either. Just act cool and avoid him if necessary until it doesn't hurt anymore.

P.S. Years later I met someone else and married him. He is wonderful and clearly the man for me. I now thank God every day that the ex didn't want me back. If that is the case for you, there is a wonderful man out there somewhere who is hoping you get over your ex quickly so your heart is available when you two finally meet. Have faith - good things are waiting for you, I'm sure of it!