numb..found fiance on ALT.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
numb..found fiance on ALT.com
37
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 8:46pm
I really need opinions from the expert and men. My fiance and I have dated 3 years and they have been great except for a few glitches I will mention. 9 months into our relationship I found out he had a secret Myspace with past girlfriends and I was unhappy about this. He only deleted it after I asked him if it would be alright if I had a MS full of men I had slept with. It's so juvenile..he's 40. anyway, I thought all that was in the distant past. 6 months ago we became engaged. In the last 3 months I've noted suspicious behavior again...minimizing pages when I come up, and deleting the browser history....but he always tells me he's hurt that I don't completely trust him, so I ignored it. Anyway, just before Christmas I guess he got distracted and on the browser history was a login to his profile on ALT.com. I can't believe it. He has always told me he's so not into that kind of stuff when I quiz him. Even when I just talk a bit racy to him, he says "since when did this conversation turn into porn?" We sometimes watch movies to spice things up so I am definitely not a prude. He admits he was a playboy before he met me, and when ever I ask him if he ever has a hard time with monogomy, he adamantly denies such. I can't believe what he said on the site...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Sat, 12-27-2008 - 10:09pm
I would be concerned if I were you.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 11:49am

If you want a man who is willing to be fully monogamous, this is not the right guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 12:15pm

He doesn't sound mature enough to be ready for marriage. Think about that.


He needs this weird escape for some reason. Why is that?


And why would you want a man you can't trust? You don't trust him or you wouldn't go into his history.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 9:13pm

Unfortunately, this guy wants you to think he is who he thinks you want him to be. He's not being true to you by not being honest about what he likes, who he is, what he does. He's likely attracted to your position and your money, and will do what it takes to have it...and get his wild fantasies on the side. He isn't being loyal to you. Whether he is or has acted out physically, he's spending time trolling for other women. Hiding his phone, deleting history on phones or computers, and minimizing screens are all signs he is up to something you wouldn't appreciate. He's manipulating you by trying to make your concerns seem like they offend him that you don't trust him.

Those with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Don't let this man continue to disrespect and use you. Don't lose your heart and your hard earned money to this immature man who cannot be faithful in his heart or mind. You are too bright to be played for a fool...and there are so many men who would love a chance to treat you the way you deserve. Finding the right guy is SO worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 12-29-2008 - 1:41am

Welcome to the board rj0622,


Sorry you are going through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-29-2008 - 2:23am
Maybe your plea should be for some male advice. Nothing against the opinions of the women that replied. But it sounds like you love this guy and you should probably ask for advice from a level headed guy on this site or from someone that KNOWS HIM. Men know men. One thing I don't agree with and from experience causes alot of problems is the snooping that you are doing. If you dont approach the situation upfront you will not get to the bottom of it. And remember, arguments in a relationships are inevitable so just say how you feel do not wait and see.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 1:02am
Thank you all for your thoughtful answers. I'm going to ponder this long and hard. I would like to hear from some men about whether men just do this sometimes and it doesn't mean a lot. I actually talked to his sister about this over Xmas and I felt she had some interesting thoughts. She said inside every man is a little boy who needs reassurances of things and sometimes when they've been out of circulation they want to see if they still have it. She said, "hm, I didn't think HE'd need to get such strokes though. She caught her husband cheating when she had her computer fixed and found a bunch of emails, which incriminated other male friends too. She dumped him, and she said something interesting " I dumped him and now I have been alone for 8 years without any major relationships. All men have their demons. At least you know your demon. I did too. I wish I had called him on it and tried to work it out because now the boys rarely see their father, and overall he is a good man." Just about all her friends and mine run into trouble with their men and the internet, whether it web sites or porn. One ouf our friends locks his door, and Angela knows what he's doing there in the next room. Many fights, threw him out, took him back and he is a good guy, just with a bit of a problem. Part of me feels like throwing him on the street, but the other feels like maybe I need to take a more mature Cosmopolitan approach, "Oh, boys and the things they do! Laugh it off and tell him, saw your profile, if you really like such stuff let me know. I'll gladly spank you HARD at this point...I don't know....ideas??
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 1:13am

You did get a response from at least one man (sdlostandfound).


And honestly I'd rather be alone than with someone I can't trust.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 7:42am

I also don't buy the ego excuse (hello, women have egos too!), but I think it's interesting that he's on ALT.com rather than a regular dating site. Has he ever expressed an interest in BDSM to you? Is it something you'd be willing to look into?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 8:32am

Getting married to someone who is doing something behind your back that breaks your heart

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