Old BF Illuminates Marriage Problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2008
Old BF Illuminates Marriage Problems
4
Sun, 12-28-2008 - 4:06pm

Even though I know what the advice will be, I still want to post and maybe get this out of my system. I have been married to my 2nd husband for almost 3 years. He is a very nice man, kind, patient and understanding. He has two boys from two previous relationships (14 and 8) that live with us part time. Their mothers are both close by, and are not very nice people. Last year, the 14 y.o. came to live with us during the week and his mom's on the weekends, and it has been outrageously stressful. His mom is immature and selfish, and he has put a huge strain on our family. He lies, breaks rules, is a bully and seems to have very little conscience. The youngest is fearful, timid and attention seeking and both can be very draining, especially together. If you haven't guessed, I have no children of my own.

About 6 months before our wedding, my husband and I were in a minor car accident. I was ok after about 8 months, but 3 1/2 years later, he is still recuperating. He herniated 4 discs in his back, and is still in pain. He is on a host of medications, and is exhausted all the time. We cannot sit to watch a movie together, he falls asleep. When he comes home from work, if he doesn't fall asleep before dinner, he's pretty much a zombie. He has no enery for me or his kids, he is overwhelmed with stress and work and family, and he is the most defeated person I've ever met.

He also does not take very good care of himself. He's stopped exercising, gained weight, doesn't eat well, and doesn't sleep well. Yes, he's on antidepressants. So am I. There will be days where he doesn't brush his teeth, doesn't take pride in his appearance or in himself period. Yes, I've told him this bothers me. I've told him he's not attractive to me this way, and I've told him he needs to take better care of himself so he will be here for his family. Nothing has gotten through. He's even started smoking again, although he tries to hide it from me and thinks I don't know.

We haven't had sex in over two years. My choice. I don't want to have sex with an overweight, sleepy, defeated, unmasculine zombie, and therefore any attempt at sex is painful because I'm so not aroused. I've even told him I don't want to kiss him because he doesn't take care of his teeth.

To complicate matters, I've reconnected online with an old boyfriend, who lives in another state. We dated almost 20 years ago, and I was his first love. We have exchanged emails over the years, just to say hello. He has been married for over 12 years with two little girls. With this last reconnection, he told me his wife passed away from cancer last year. We have always joked that our timing has been off, we tried to get back together 15 years ago, I was in a failing relationship, and if he had asked me to leave the man I was dating, I would have. He didn't, I married someone else, then divorced and by then he was married and now I'm on my 2nd marriage.

He lives in an area close to several of my best friends, whom I try to visit at least once a year. Since our latest reconnection, I have an overwhelming desire to see him. Our biggest obstacle was that he was very emotionally guarded, he wouldn't let anyone close and he says that over the years he's learned to let his guard down.

I have a training in another state next month and the two of us talked about him coming to see me. It turns out he can't go and I'm surprised at how devastated I am about it. It wasn't even about sex, I just wanted to see him and talk to him, maybe share an embrace. I know he still has feelings for me, he told me I was his first love and he will always love me no matter what. He too was a good, kind person. We were just young and didn't know what we were doing.

My current husband and I have no time or money to get counseling to work on our marriage. All of our time and money is spent on trying to help his oldest son, with his counseling, or trying to find options to keep him from being a delinquent. Finances are also a stress in this house, something I worry about much more than he does. I still care about my husband, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore. I'm not attracted to him the way he is, I miss the person he was before the accident. I wish the oldest son would go back to living with his mom, but if he does, we cannot afford to pay her the child support, and even worse, he will have no chance of becoming a decent human being. Moving back to his mom's will mean we've lost him for good. Sounds dramatic I know, but it's true.

Since my old boyfriend told me he won't be able to make it to see me next month, I've really fallen into a funk. I know I'm probably looking at that through rose colored glasses, but it just puts my current situation in to clearer focus, and I don't like what I see. I don't know how to fix it, I can't seem to motivate my husband to make an effort at saving this. I don't think he even knows how bad it's becoming. He is so overwhelmed with his sons, his job, the economy and just keeping day to day life going (so am I) that I don't think he could deal with it if he wanted to. Just too much energy he doesn't have.

I've even gone so far as to try to find options to travel to the other state for business to be able to go by myself to meet my old boyfriend. Maybe I should meet him to get this rosy notion out of my head that he's so wonderful and I can see him as a real person and get over this. I just don't know anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 12-29-2008 - 1:56am

Welcome to the board italiancatgirl,


For most people, reconnecting with your

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 12-29-2008 - 3:01am
It seems that this is not entirely an "old" boyfriend as much as he is a "current" boyfriend. Please think about what a mess you are getting into. Deal with one thing at a time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2008
Mon, 12-29-2008 - 6:26pm

Hi,

It seems like enough things are awry in your relationship with your husband that you might consider a separation. Only you can decide whether you want to stay or find out what it is like on your own.

Your old BF is a convenient "upper" in a world where you have lost hope; perhaps a relationship with him would work, but I'm not sure you really have enough information to make a decision about that.

Wishing you peace,

momadc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 12:52am

Thank you for your reply. Your advice was much more realistic than "get all the way in or get all the way out" or calling a few email exchanges a "current" boyfriend. Yes, I do believe the old boyfriend was an "upper" to my sagging self esteem. Who knows if it would work with him or not. Am I willing to risk what I have to find out? No, not really, but on the other hand, things can't continue the way they are. It's just too upsetting. I think I got caught up in the excitement of it, and I tend to take things a little too literally. I think the old boyfriend got a case of the guilts and only wanted it to remain fantasy. I was disappointed because I misread the signals and was embarrassed by my actions. The old boyfriend is also a good man and trying to be a good friend. We are both widows, so we share the pain of that, and he is a caring person who realizes I may just need someone to talk to.

While a full separation isn't really an option, I am exploring options to go on vacation by myself, or try to spend some time away from this chaos to re-evaluate my situation. What really hurts is that although I know my husband loves me, he so far has not made the effort to make himself more attractive, kick the meds he takes, or find the strength to do the hard work that his sons desperately needs. The sad thing is that he feels he IS trying, and gets even more defeated if you bring it to his attention that it's not working.

I find myself sequestering in the bedroom or other areas when the kids come home, I just do not want to deal with the stress and arguments that inevitably happen. My vote is to move the older boy back to his moms and prevent him from coming back here, but it's not my call, and my husband isn't ready to give up. I understand he's in a tough spot, but I feel so very unimportant at his lack of effort or even acknowledgment that our relationship is declining fast.

Again, thank you for your honest words. I appreciate your opinion and hope to hear more!