PARTNER WILL NOT WORK
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PARTNER WILL NOT WORK
| Mon, 12-29-2008 - 1:56pm |
I'm not sure if anybody could help me on this one. I have been with my partner for 15 years - although we still don't live together. I have two children that he gets on with very well and he's been a big part of their lives (they're both grown-up now). My youngest recently left home and I was hoping that we could now start living together. However, my partner does not have a job and lives on benefits. I work and pay all the bills for my place. He sleeps at my house but goes back to his own flat every day to eat and to have a bath. He usually turns up at my place sometime after 9 in the evening. While we've been together, I've never known him keep a job for more than 3 months and at the moment, he hasn't worked for about 8 years and has not been looking for work either. He manages to get by on benefits and his Mum pays the bills for his car. He does loads of jobs around the house for me which I would find hard to afford otherwise as I am on a really low income. I know from being on my own for many years before meeting him, that my life would be a lot harder without his help. My income is so low, that I do labouring jobs on my days off work, meaning that I work 6 or 7 days most weeks. This is having a negative effect on the relationship as we spend very little time together as I seem to have so little time to myself. On a Sunday, when I'm not working, the day is spent trying to catch up with cleaning the house and getting some shopping in. We never go anywhere together anymore and have no plans for the future as he doesn't like to make plans and would rather be spontaneous. We don't go on holiday either as I can't afford to pay for both of us to go (I can't really afford for myself to go as I am helping my youngest who is at University), and he takes free holidays by going camping in a field without any facilities. I would not find that particularly enjoyable as I like to have a wash every day and would need at least a sink to wash in due to the fact that I wear contacts and need clean hands to put them in and take them out. I'd also rather not have to wee behind a bush when I'm meant to be on holiday and relaxing! I'm at my wits' end as I turned 50 last year and cannot bear the thought of carrying on in this way indefinitely, but am reluctant to end something that I've ploughed 15 years of my life into.

Are you ready to waste 15 more with a deatbeat?
I would have dumped him a long time ago. After this long he's not going to change.
Poppy, are you in the UK? Sounds like it from your post :o)
Your man isn't going to change, especially because there's no reason or incentive for him to do so. You have to decide whether you can live with the situation as is, or you have to ditch him.
Best of luck whatever you choose :o)
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Lianne, proud mummy to baby Joshua, born 24/11/08
Welcome to the board poppy2008,
If he hasn't worked in 8 years, I don't see that changing anytime soon. Especially since he can get by on the benefits he is getting and that his mother is paying for his car (which is enabling him to not work). Anyways, I could never stay with someone who wouldn't work. Be there and done that, but I was young at the time and still in college then.
I would just sit down and take a look at the way the relationship is ask yourself if you are happy and if you can remain happy if things stay just the way the are because that is what I see happening.
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'but am reluctant to end something that I've ploughed 15 years of my life into.'
I never understand this reasoning. Does this really sound like a logical rational reason for staying with someone that you do not like being with????
Just because you've put 15 years of your life into a relationship doesn't mean that it suits you now. Time passes, people grow (or do not grow), things change. You have a right to make choices that are healthy and correct for you now. It sounds as though he just is able to function as he does. Clearly, he has given to you as best he could in certain ways. I think it's a mistake to want more from him. Either you have to accept him as he is and accept the relationship as it is, or decide you want more and let this go, so you can go out and try to meet other guys who could provide more for you. This is a choice you have every right to make. It sounds as though this is so limiting and dissatisfying that you really deserve a chance to at the very least, make an effort to see if more is possible in your life.
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