How do you stop obsessing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
How do you stop obsessing?
8
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 3:44am
Married 38 years, DH had EA 13 years ago, swore it'd never happen again, but last year I discovered totally by accident he was pursuing another woman, anyhow.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 11:01am

I am not sure what to say - if I was married to someone who has had EAs I would think that there was something missing in the marriage for him to do that. And then I'd probably want to find out what is missing for him to seek that attention elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 11:35am

Welcome to the board myradorn,


Have the two of you considered counseling?


These other iVillage boards might give you additional insight:


Cyber-Cheating & Emotional Affairs


Life After Betrayal


Reading material to consider:


His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman



I too would wonder what was missing in the relationship that made him seek attention outside of the relationship.





iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 12:00pm

I agree with counseling to help you find ways of coming together rather than keeping one another at arm's length

I have to say though, I think you're smart to keep tabs on him still :( I hate saying it but after him doing this TWICE I'd be doing the same thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 3:28pm
I've learned from other boards I use and from books and Dr. Phil himself him cheating wasn't ABOUT me or our marriage, it's strictly about something inside of him that's missing.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 3:30pm
Thanks, I'm already sure this is just about him, not us or me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 3:33pm
Yep, I have told him to not even THINK of changing e-mail passwords and he knows if there is ever even a HINT of another woman again, I won't even bother to work things out.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 4:54pm
Perhaps then it's a good idea to keep checking until your mind is satisfied that he's not going to do it again. Your brain has LEARNED what it's like to be betrayed and you don't want to be fooled again. It would be a good idea to come up with some tangible ideas for what HE can do to help you feel better and more trusting, and what you would like to be able to feel in order to let this go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Tue, 12-30-2008 - 6:33pm
Just an opinion, but I have seen people marry for the wrong reasons in life and, invariably, they cheat because they shouldnt have gotten married to begin with.