I feel like the only responsible one...
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| Fri, 01-02-2009 - 11:29am |
I'm really worried about my marriage. I feel like I am the only one that truly cares about getting anything done around the house or cares about anything that requires responsibility and planning. We have a 7 month old baby so he also requires a lot of work. Don't get me wrong...my husband does help with the baby because he loves him to death. He doesn't have a problem changing his diapers or feeding him. When it comes to everything else though, I just feel like the only one that thinks about things.
I find myself having to repeatedly remind or ask him to do things around the house or follow up on things he has promised to do. He rarely takes out the trash without being reminded. He says he'll get my car fixed, but only after I have to remind him or ask him 5 times. He doesn't take the initiative on doing things around the house unless I hound him about it for a month. Then when I finally do get him to do something I feel like I've been a nag and that I'm forcing him to do the task. He will huff and puff and get in a bad mood because he has to do something.
I am really getting stressed out and find myself unable to sleep at night with the lists of things in my head that I feel need to be done. Meanwhile, he's sleeping in until 9:30-10am, since he doesn't go to work until 12, and doesn't have a care in the world. He says I just worry too much and that all I want him to do is stay home and clean all the time. It's not true - I just want someone else to occasionally mention that the dog needs a bath or haircut, that the leaves have to be raked, that the trash that blew into the yard needs to be picked up or that the grill needs to be covered before the rain. But I'm the one taking care of the dog. I'm the one vacuuming, dusting and cleaning bathrooms. I'm the one grocery shopping, handling the mail, buying necessities for the house, washing the baby's laundry, changing the sheets, and making sure things are fixed around the house. Might I mention that BOTH of us work full-time. I'm truly fearful my marriage is in jeopardy because of the weight I have on my shoulders.
And yes - I have discussed this with him, I've tried to come up with ideas, I expressed how deeply saddened and stressed this makes me. It doesn't seem to make a difference. He doesn't see it as I do and thinks that he does a lot. The only thing I can truly think of that he does without me asking is occasional dishes and working on finishing the basement - but he enjoys the basement. He just makes me feel bad by calling himself the a**hole husband who can't do anything right.
I'm rambling on, but I need help!!

Sounds to me as though he is acting like a child and wanting you to be mom, to take responsibility for keeping things going. Some men do regress in this way when married. Of course his behavior is unacceptable for the long run. It sounds as though it would be very helpful for the two of you to get to a good marriage counselor who can help you set boundaries, create rules, standards and also consequences if they are not followed. Your husband has to realize that there are and will be consequenes to his not taking on a fair role in the relationship. Nobody can go on feeling over worked and unfairly burdened forever.
Get yourself some good professional help,
Best wishes,
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Welcome to the board,
It hate to say it and I don't know if it will make you feel any better or not, but there are many women that post on here with your same problem. I don't think anyone has really found the answer yet. You could try get a housekeeper to help out some once or twice a month maybe.
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Sounds like you need to have an agreement between the two of you and...maybe in a ceremonial way...actually draw up an agreement, including penalties for violating the agreement. A counselor could help with communication too.
A new baby is very stressful on a family. I dont have kids but I have seen how the balance gets upset when one party gets stuck with the burdens.
Magic dust seemed fitting here. :) I'm certainly no genius at marriage (here for my own reasons lol), but I've heard of a few good things about your dillemma!
The first one is: sit down and make a list of what you do on a daily basis, and have him do the same. Once both lists are completed, compare them and see how you may both be able to help each other! Seeing it on paper helps you to see the full picture. Then if your workload is too heavy, hopefully he will offer to take certain tasks, or vise versa.
The second thing I've heard (and tried recently) is a