Selfish vs. Sensitive
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Selfish vs. Sensitive
| Sun, 01-04-2009 - 12:29am |
Hello everyone!
I am just looking for some advice/insight on my relationship of over a year.
I love my boyfriend very much and we will be living together soon. The issue is that he is pretty selfish and I am really sensitive. Not very compatible haha.
We love eachother, he just doesn't show it like I want him to, he is brutally honest, and does whatever he wants/doesnt seem to be thinking about me much.
But then again i am the type of person who takes things personally and is very sensitive to things he says.
The question is: How do we live in harmony?
What do we both need to change? and how can I not be so sensitive?
Thank you! I think these message boards are great!

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Welcome to the board ivygirl84,
Have you read the book The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz?
Ivygirl, I know you use a joking tone when you say that you're not compatible, but in all honesty, I think you're speaking the truth.
A good match happens because both people naturally work well together. It's not about having to change ourselves to make it work.
Do you realise that you wouldn't *have to* be less sensitive if you had a partner who was better suited to you?
I don't think you can live in harmony. Those are huge personality differences you won't be able to change easily, and neither of you really should have to change. Going into a living together situation with someone you KNOW is incompatible is lighting the fuse on the bomb. You can develop a thicker skin but it won't change who your boyfriend is, nor will it make him into a considerate person who cares for your feelings.
Rethink the relationship, at least before you move in together.
>>The reason the things he says hurts...is because he doesnt care about you and that is what you feel in his words. <<
I don't necessarily agree that he is hurtful because he doesn't care about the OP. I mean, you may be right....but it may also be simply a personality clash with neither of them doing anything wrong. We all have differing degrees of sensitivity and it's about finding someone who matches the communication style we like.
I'm chronically blunt with what I say. We're talking permanent foot in mouth. But I DO care about those around me. I'd very much like to be different and constantly work at it, but there are too many times when I forget and be my normal self. Putting me with a sensitive person would be a disaster in the making!
It's far wiser to match a blunt person with someone who likes to be told stuff straight up.... and a sensititive person with someone who's naturally diplomatic.
Wow... reading the responses made me cry. I'm in the exact situation. Things have gotten a bit better with us, but tonight I'm left crying again. What's worked for me is sitting down with him and telling him what you need. If you need a date night once a week where you alternate planning, tell him. If you need him to say I love you more, then tell him.
I wish there was a way to change the guy... but we're so different from them. You both have different needs. I really hope it works out for you. And if you find out how, I'd love to find out how you did it.
Thanks everyone....I really wasn't expecting all of that though.
Is this not typical guy behavior?
Maybe I was just making excuses for his hogging the remote/having me make and bring him food, etc. His defense is he never does the same for me cuz I never ask him to and he's right. But shouldn't he still do nice things/ compliment me occasionally?
I know guys aren't infamous for being romantic or anything and that its unfair of me to ask him to change.
He gets mad when I call him selfish, and people are always telling me to be more assertive/work on my self confidence.
What can I do??
Is this his problem or mine?
Edited 1/19/2009 10:47 pm ET by ivygirl84
>>He gets mad when I call him selfish, and people are always telling me to be more assertive/work on my self confidence.<<
Your friends are right. Calling him selfish will only serve to get him mad and make him defensive. It's an aggressive fighting tactic. However, if you learn assertive strategies, you'll get your point across in a more pleasant manner. Therefore he's more likely to listen to you.
There's an inherent dishonesty in agreeing to do something for someone and then resenting them for it.
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