when to let go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2009
when to let go?
4
Sun, 01-04-2009 - 10:47pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We both came out of marriage/long relationships. We were both hurt and lost a lot. I have has more time to heal than he has, it's been about a year for him. We met, fell in love quickly and spent lots of time together. Suddenly we started fighting more, he is needing "his space" and I don't feel like a priority. When I tell him we can take a break he says it's not what he wants but yet more and more it seems he pulls away and then comes back. My head tells me to let go but my heart isn't ready. Advice/help?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 1:35pm

Welcome to the board chihuahuamommy,


While you don't have to have a break, you can act like you are on one, meaning let him do all the calling and contacting.


Reading material to consider:


Are You the One for Me? by Barbara DeAngelis
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw.


Make sure you life is full and rewarding with or without him.





iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:23pm

Okay...has he told you how he wants to resolve this? Does he prefer to let it stay in this type of neither-here-nor-there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:26pm

You're right, I think this is related to the fact that he hasn't really had enough time to recover from his previous relationship. He's like a child who just touched a hot stove. I agree that it's best to give him his space and let him come to you, but I don't blame you for getting fed up. Eventually this behavior needs to end. Incidentally a best friend of mine is going through something similar with a guy whose parents had/have a really terrifying marriage, he keeps asking for space and pulling away, then coming back and acting as though things are fine. She's not limiting at all, in fact I think anyone else wouldn't have tolerated it this long (two and a half years). So guys really can go on a long time doing this. He needs to figure himself out and sort out his own life before he can even think about pursuing a future with you. I think men like this really need therapy, their fear is debilitating and they don't often get over it on their own. Something really needs to happen before they are ready to offer themselves wholly to someone else. My friend's boyfriend is a really great guy but I can't imagine their relationship will ever progress.

You should let him know that you feel this is unfair to you, that you are not limiting his life at all and he shouldn't be treating your relationship like a prison he occasionally needs to escape from. It's his choice, he's the one stifling himself.

Your heart will be ready when you're done giving him slack and you feel you've tried as hard as you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 3:24pm