I've made a mess of marriage!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
I've made a mess of marriage!!
7
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 3:06am

Hi. I really need to bounce things off of someone else! :( I (thankfully) have a counselling appointment set up this week. But meanwhile, I am such a mess. I've been on several boards, reading and trying to determine which avenue to address.......bottom line this is the one I chose. I welcome any constructive feedback! :)


I will start by saying, I had been seeing a counsellor (working on self esteem and family issues). But do to lack of childcare, I couldn't keep regular appointments. So it was hit and miss. I gained ground, but it was only a beginning.


With that said, I am well aware of my issues of self esteem. I try to just move forward and be compassionate with myself. But it's a struggle.......


My DH spends alot of time out of town (he owns a big truck). For 10 years I have dealt with this time apart to the best of my ability. We have 3 children (6, 4, and 3 respectively). It's challenging, for sure. Last summer he was gone the entire month of June. That's way toooooo long.


I'm trying to give a 'little' history into our relationship, but not succeeding. I realize to address the whole picture, I will have to be patient in counselling. But right now, I have 4 days till I see a proffessional. lol All joking aside, I'm hurting and running on fear.


Over the last few months, do to my insecurities I have started accusing him of having interests

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 2:22pm

First of all - if the two of you do not have an established protocol on how to address grievances..then that is the first thing that the two of you need to do. Together, you sit down and develop a plan of how either party brings a grievance to the table. The system has to benefit both of you and your styles of communication. It has to be a way of communicating where no one gets belittled and problems are resolved in the best win-win manner as possible. The reason I bring this up is because you feel out of control with how you are handling expressing yourself.


Secondly - your husband is not to use any terms of endearments for a coworker. That could easily be misread by the woman as interest by your husband and could lead to an emotional affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 7:01pm

Thanks for the input and suggestions. I'm not rightly sure how I would establish bringing grievances to the table. I did try recently to ask him if we could try just listening. I get to talk for 20 minutes and then it's your turn. The rules are: You can't interrupt, and when it's your turn you cannot judge me too harshly.


I lasted 14 minutes, trying to describe how ALL this has effected me. I included our move 2 years ago, and the separation from all my friends. While I'm here raising kids, he still has his network of friends. He didn't lose anything by our move, but I lost everything I grew up with. And it makes me angry that he dictates when I can and cannot go to visit (a 2 hour drive). Then add the personal touches he puts on his 'female friend' and buddies, I feel distant from him.


As far as the rest, I'm tired of analyzing it. So I'm just trying to reduce stress over the next few weeks while I kick the nicotine!! LOL I messaged everyone on my cell phone and told them due to my stress level, day 4 of not smoking, I'm turning it off for 2 weeks. The house phone works if I aint busy!! :)


Thanks for your reply! :) Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 01-05-2009 - 10:36pm

Welcome to the board vanessa_mom_2_7,


Here's some reading material to consider:


The Last Word on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense – Susan Elgin


Relationship Rescue, Phil McGraw


Ten Rules for Fighting Fair - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=28141.1


Improve a Relationship without Talking - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=31564.1


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 1:59am

Thank you! I'm still counting the hours until my appointment Thursday at 10 :) LOL On a brighter note, I do know he loves me alot! If I can keep the negative emotion out of our conversation for just long enough, he brings us around. :) I'm working toward acceptance.


I will check out the sources you listed. Thank you for taking the time to reply. :) Vanessa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 9:22am

But some people use 'terms of endearment' as an everyday part of their speech. My SO calls nearly every woman he speaks to: 'Hon', including his colleagues, my mother, my sisters, etc.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 1:40pm
If you can accept that your H calls all women he knows Hon that's up to you. But I would have to tell my H that he needs to cool it with that. Unless it's a female relative I don't think it's appropriate, and I agree with the OP that said some women may take him calling them by a term of endearment one too many times as him being interested in them. My H made this mistake a long time ago with a women at work, and after a while this women (who it turns out was single, lonely and shy about dating) was taking my H giving her a innocent compliment once or twice, as his being interested in her and she then developed a crush on him. I think you should at least make him aware of the fact that his calling women Hon could be misinterpreted as an interest in them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 6:17am

Of course I'm fine with it, it doesn't mean anything. By the same token, he calls all men 'mate'. It's just a friendly turn of phrase. If a woman develops a crush on him, that's her problem.


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